Midnight Thoughts from the Center of it All

I actually wrote most of this post in Iowa. Now that I am home I have edited it some, but I feel it is important to share my heart and my struggles while walking thru this.

Everyone has struggles. Everyone knows what it is like to feel fear. In the midst of last week, I faced some very real fear. Here is what happened and what I was thinking at that time……and writing blog posts is my therapy…..

A day or so into the hospital stay…..he tried hard to muster a smile for me…

Written from Iowa City….
These last six months have been “something else” (for lack of a better description)….yesterday I thought, “this cannot be happening, it must be a nightmare and then I’m going to wake up”……….it has been surreal and I’m sure being 1200 miles from home has only made it that much harder to comprehend.
Before I start though I want to thank each and everyone of you who have fasted, prayed, woke up in the night and prayed or even just spoke a tiny prayer for my sweet hubby – truly – thank you so much for every utterance on his behalf. He has sure needed it! He is desperately sick.
There is much that is churning around in my head about all of this: God’s miracles along the way; God’s provision along the way; and God’s hand in it all……but I will save that for another post.
This is all about what happened on Tuesday:
Dw had been admitted to a regular room after spending the morning in the ER and so after Isaiah was discharged Liberty, Isaiah and I went to see him. Pushing Isaiah in his wheelchair Liberty and I manuevered around the hospital to Dw’s room. Only just before we got to his room I got a text from Dw saying that they had taken him for a sonogram. That’s weird!??! I didn’t even know he was having one??! Being perfectly honest somehow knowing he was having a sonogram just left me feeling kind of sick. I mean, gracious, they had just barely admitted him….such a rush!!
So the kids and I sat in his room and waited. Then I got another text: “the girl can’t find my gallbladder because my liver is so swollen.” Okay, I readily admit I have no medical background….so on that note….that didn’t make me feel so good either.
Then another text: “the girl is switching cameras, she is looking hard for something, she thinks she sees something, she told me not to worry though” That left me feeling even more sick. When someone tells you “not to worry” my interpretation is: “This will scare the hooey out of you, so I am going to tell you not to worry.”
Then another text: “She’s found something and is asking a doctor to come in and look now too…she told me not to worry again.” Oh my gracious – “not to worry!” Right??!
Okay guys, listen. I am not usually too much of a panic, but let me tell you, the liver? Yeah we totally need one of those. And I started to worry and become filled with fear.

I called Joanne and since the kids were with me, I fought tears and talked in code…..I told her how Dw had already been losing weight, how sick he had been feeling, how unable to eat for awhile….how they said his liver was very sick…..and now they seemed to have found something that needed a better machine and a doctor’s trained eye immediately. Jo and I talked for a few minutes and then she prayed with me….and I hung up.
But those thoughts kept coming……and at that point I started to become very overcome with fear. I would love to tell you that I didn’t. But no, I did. The kind of fear that takes your breath away. I wanted to run. I was so fearful of what they had found or were going to find. I prayed. Desperately. Silently I said to the Lord, “What is going on?”
And in His still small voice I heard: “What about your Memorial Box Linn? What is in it? Remember what I have done for you.”
And when He said that I began to recall, almost in a fast-forward motion little items that were in our Memorial Box – symbols of His hand in our lives. Instantly I began to feel peace returning – ever so slowly.

Friends – you MUST have a Memorial Box or Memorial Book or Memorial Journal or something that you are writing down all the things that God has done for you – the ways He has shown up big time and the times He has shown up in little ways….

That way when difficult times come you can remember that our Miracle-working, Mountain-moving, Awe-inspiring, Gasp-giving God will never leave you, nor will He ever forsake you. He is completely faithful. He never slumbers. He never goes on vacation. He never tires of hearing your concerns….He is working the night shift on your behalf.

If you have not read about a Memorial Box, do so here. If you have not entered the drawing, leave a comment saying you want to be included. If you are weak in your heart and wonder what this whole Memorial Box thing and God’s faithfulness is about….I invite you to hop over to the “Labels” section and click on Memorial Box and read about so many ways God has shown up for our family. It will encourage your heart!!

And on that note, let me just tell you that God confirmed that He was working for Dw the very next day after reminding me of my Memorial Box. He did it hugely. He did it with a phone call. And tomorrow I will tell you about that phone call….that I received at the Ronald McDonald House on Hawkins Avenue in Iowa City, Iowa….It was so stinkin’ cool and you will love it too – I just know it… xo PS…And no it was not the call from EHM…that call came as we were driving home…

38 thoughts on “Midnight Thoughts from the Center of it All

  1. Linny
    I have been lurking on your blog for a few weeks now and thought it was time to say hello! I am so appreciative of you and your precious family. Thank you for your vulnerability. I am so glad you are human…and still go to the throne room and trust in the Lord almighty! Thank you for encouraging me. We have had our little ch*na dolly home for a year now and I am brand new to this homeschooling thing, educating a 6th grader, 3rd grader and 2nd grader. Lately I feel I have moved away from listening to the Lord. I have forgotten the still small voice in my hectic life of children. You have encouraged me to listen again! Also, I have been trying to get informed on fasting…how do you do that as a mom of little ones cooking all day. You have helped me figure that out too (After 2 years of asking members of our church about this discipline)! I have been fasting for DW. I am looking forward to the post telling us that he is well, FULLY RECOVERED! In the meantime, I am anxiously reading, looking forward to the day that we can sit down for a cup of tea and get to know each other better…probably on the other side of heaven. Hang in there! Know that you are making a difference for a family you don't even know out here in CA!

    Loads of Love to you sister!
    Tricia Otto

  2. Linn,
    You havent mentioned how DW is now! Is he still with fever, how has he been since going to the ER once home, has he had labs drawn since being home, are they better?

    How is Isaiah, is his pain better??? The nurse in me is wanting/needing an update Please!

    Still praying in Ohio
    Lisa

  3. Thanks for sharing with such transparency. Your testimony continues to inspire and bless me.

    Still praying for all of you….

    Love you guys!

  4. Linny,
    thank you for sharing your joys and fears and How God can move moutains! My Hubby at 29 (3 Years Go) had open heart surgery. Two weeks before the surgery I would just lay on my hubby chest crying and begging God to let him be ok-every single night. One day I woke up and felt like I need to pray and I prayed to God saying thank you for the wonderful years with my husband and thank you for my three wonderful children and if it was my hubbys time to go and be with the Lord I understood. I prayed this three times. My hubby and I sat down and went over all the important things you need to before a big surgery. As you can tell my husband made it out of surgery and we did just fine but I know God gave me a peace within me that it was going to be ok, what ever the outcome. That is hard to say and hard to write without crying. After this surgery we begain looking into adoption. and I am not sure if you know the last two years of my life but I have been in the valley and in the mountains but God has always been with me and with my family, I will praise God in the storm and small rain fall and a wonderful sunshine. I really thank you for sharing God's Love with your blogging friends and My prayers are with you and your family! I hope we will hear some good news soon!
    Carrie

  5. I love the honesty of your tender heart. And there is no doubt that God is weaving together something wonderful in all this. You will no doubt have much to add to your Memorial Box when this season is over.

    I don't remember if I added my name to the giveaway or not! But I would love to be included. I totally believe you are right in keeping record of all God's faithfulness in order to look back and see how He has ALWAYS been there in good times…and in the painful turbulent times.

  6. please enter me too 🙂 if i should win, my first thing to go in will be a small piece of driftwood. xoxoxoxo, jan (JTM phoebe)

  7. What an incredible post, you refresh my faith with every visit. I love the idea of a memorial box, I think I will start praying to God to find me one at a rock bottom price.
    I went back to the Ezra post, I can't believe it. I mean I do believe you, I just… well to use your words, that's a real Yipee Jesus Moment.
    I will continue to pray for DW, if God took such good care of Ezra, certainly He will give you another reason to add to your memorial box.

  8. Linny,

    With each mention of your Memorial Box I feel more and more certain that God wants us each to keep something of this sort. How many miracles has He worked in my own life that I've forgotten? It's so easy to say, "Thank you!", feel the relief, and move on. But God wants me to remember, and He wants me to share these experiences with my kids…over and over. Please sign us up for the Memorial Box drawing.

    You're a great encouragement to me, Linny. It's so wonderful to "watch" you and Dwight live out your life of faith and watch the faith of your children blossom as well. Know that I'm praying for you all.

    In Him,
    Bekah in Iowa

  9. Friend: In praying for you, I have had such peace that DW would be OK – all you would home and fine. This week has been very trying on the personal front on my level (coffee sometime). When I saw you today, I was so excited! I've missed you. When I saw Dwight, I was very taken aback. As most people will be. After praying, I got into my car and tears poured all the way into town. It was seeing dear friends hurting again, it was seeing my pastor so frail.

    I am amazed that we can celebrate items ( yeah! ) in one breath, and grieve so heavily in the next.

    This will be another mountain you have climbed OVER. The lessons you are learning are multiplied over by friends and family who pray, struggle, pray some more and wait.

    Love you Sis. Here for you. Always

  10. YOU ARE LEAVING US HANGING AGAIN??! OH MY WORD!! 😛

    And I knew God would speak to you and give you peace. I just knew it. 🙂

  11. Linny, what has always touched my heart so much about you and your blog is the fact you are so real. You don't honey coat anything. You share from your heart. You aren't afraid to say you have struggles. You aren't afraid to say you have fear at times. Thanks for being YOU, for being so honest. Continued prayers for DW.

  12. Oh, Sweet, Faithful Linny. I needed this post.

    With only 10 days at home until we leave for South Africa, just home now 2 days since taking our son to meet his bio father, I am emotionally and spiritually drained.

    I have felt today that I needed to start writing our thank-you letter to all of those who have contributed to our mission, to all of those who joined us in anticipating the inconceivable, who have walked those Ephesians 3:20 moments with us. I know that writing the letter will remind me of the call to South Africa, the call to work with orphans, and God's miraculous provisions.

    I am going to get a Memorial Box. I read your post about the Memorial Box, and God sent another affirmation. (On our 2500 mile road trip to meet Brandon's bio dad, I did NOT spend as much time feeding on God's word as I should have.) But, today, as I was seeking guidance, wondering where I could get the food God would have me feast on before our trip, I thought of Joshua. And, then, clicking over to your past post, there is a message from Joshua.

    God is good!! I thank Him for allowing me to know you, if only through the blog world, but one day face to face in eternity, forever praising the One who is the giver of all good gifts.

    Thank you for your obedience, my sister,

    Robbie

  13. I love how God continues to encourage you with reminders of His faithfulness and provision. It's encouraging to all of us as you share what He has done. Hugs to you and Dw and I pray that he is getting better (hint,hint…update on Dw, please! 🙂

  14. I am praying for your family. I love reading your blog so much. I grew up in a Christian home and have always considered myself a Christian. But in the last two years I can say that I am learning the difference between calling myself a Christian and truely walking with the Lord. I have been talking to my husband (of 11 years, 2 as a Christian and follower of Christ) about your memory box. I would love to start our own and would be honored if you entered my in your drawing.

  15. Oh Linny,

    In the midst of your storm you encourage me. You remind me to remember God's faithfulness. Thank You. It my current storm I will remember GOD IS FAITHFUL!

    You all will be in my prayers,
    In Jesus,
    Lori R.

    PS I would love to be included in the drawing for the memorial box

  16. LOL…I think you enjoy this too much! I suppose if I had all sorts of cool stories I would enjoy keeping people hanging too 🙂

    When I was little my family had a "blessing book." Every Sunday morning at breakfast we all sat around the table and talked about God's blessings from that week and my dad would write them down in a journal. Every now and then we would go back and reread the things God had done. I think the Memorial Box idea is very cool too!

    ~Amy

  17. Sweet Linny,

    I have been praying for your sweet family since the morning of the fire. I have cried with you, laughed with you, and rejoiced with you.

    Since the post of DW being so sick, I have been on my knees several imes a day and will continue to do so until we hear that he is fully recovered.

    Please keep us posted as to how he is doing.

    P.S….I don't know if I entered my name for the Memorial Box, but would love to be entered.

    Terry

  18. Linny,
    You continue to remind me that though we forget and may get fearful and doubt that we only need to look back to be reminded what our Lord has already done for us. Just like you there are so many reminders of what the Lord has brought us through and blessed us with. I would like to be included in your drawing for the memorial box and will continue to add to the box all the little reminders of God's faithfulness. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
    Jackie
    another mom to many and most recently mom to our newest-our Gideon.

  19. Hi Linny, While in church tonight these words, "Whose report will you believe?" kept going through my spirit.
    Encouraging song time 🙂

    Whose report will you believe?
    We shall believe the report of the Lord.
    His report says I am healed,
    His report says I am filled,
    His report says I am free,
    His report says VICTORY!!!!!

    Also, please enter me in your memorial box giveaway. Thank you. I like to journal in a composition notebook.

  20. Dear Linny,
    I continue to pray for you and your family. I would like to be included in the Memorial Box drawing. I look forward to starting this! Thank you so much for your posts. They have encouraged me!

  21. I love how clearly you were able to hear HIS voice in your time of need. It really is a magnificent thing.

    (I also would love to be entered in the Memorial Box giveaway..and even if I don't win I definitely need to start paying closer attention to all the good, positive and amazing things. Thank you for the much needed reminder.)

  22. I am so glad you had your Memorial Box memories to comfort you so you could stay strong, especially in front of the kiddos! Glad you are finally home! Still praying in KY!

    And, of course, I want to be entered to win a Memorial Box of my very own! 🙂

  23. Oh, Linny, what a blessing memories are.

    In March of 1991 my dh and I adopted twins, a boy and a girl, from Venezuela. They were already 9 (almost 10) years old and bonding was difficult especially with the girl. So much of her personality and many of her memories were tied to a drug dealing prostitute abusive mother whom she seemingly adored. Nearing Mother's Day of '91, she would barely look me in the eye and the word mom, mother, or mama were only in her vocabulary as it related to her birth mother. When we were in Venezuela, a missionary couple who had helped us to orchestrate their adoption had given our daughter a beautiful tiny tiny little tea set. This seemingly was M's greatest and fondest possession. Mother's Day morning, I was still in bed and I could hear the patter of feet in the room above ours. M came bounding down the stairs, jumped up in bed with me and handed me a little brown paper bag, stapled closed. She looked at me and in her best broken English, said, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy." With tears in my eyes, I gave her a big hug and began to open the little bag. Inside was the precious little tea set that meant so much to her. She'd finally come to accept me as her mom by giving me her most prized possession. I know what the first item in the Memorial Box will be when I win it from you. Please, please, please, pick me and if you don't, I definitely will go out and get my own. What a blessing this idea is and what a blessing our memories are. Praying for you and DW as you walk another valley road creating beautiful memory box memories along the way. Martha

  24. I have been lurking on your blog for a while and just want to say thank you so much for sharing so much about your family. It has been truly inspiring and has even inspired me to become closer to God again. I definitely need to start one of those Memorial Boxes!

  25. Gosh Linny- one person should not have to go through what you have gone through but I guess God is refining Silver becasue you guys keep getting put in the fire. and I love seeing your strength, your honesty, the truth, your heart and How God shows up and works. It's amazing to watch, see, hear, read about- you truly are a daughter of the King of Kings. How Blessed we are to have you all here with us on Earth and can't imagine what life was like before your blog and before you challeneged us to think and be thankful and yes for the memorial box.
    please enter me in the drawing.
    but also dear friend- rest and may God blanket you with grace and mercy today. May DW have full healing and restoration.

    Praying for you and the family

  26. We are still praying for all of you – especially for Dw and Isaiah's healing! My heart aches for the trials you have been through, but I can't help to think of the testimony you continue to tell through your faithfulness.

    Sometime, I hope you are in Kearney for fun and I wouldn't hesitate to 'stalk' you even more and drive the 3 hrs to meet you in person! Until then, thank you for your heartfelt updates, inspiring me to keep on trusting despite the circumstances.

  27. I can't remember if I asked to be entered or not, but I so love the idea of the Memorial Box. I was thinking this morning about what I would put in such a box.

    I hope DW is on the mend, and I so look forward to dropping into IRiver next time I'm in Durango.

  28. We are continuing to lift you all up!

    I'd love to be entered into the drawing for the Memorial Box! What a wonderful idea to be reminded of all the blessings and miracles that our Lord gives to us–all of them big and small.

    Hugs to you and your sweet family,
    Jenn

  29. Please enter me in the Memorial Box drawing. There have been so many times, countless in fact that I have seen God's handy work in our lives. You put it so perfectly- thank you for reminding me that Our Lord is ALWAYS there and working around the clock for us!
    This is an incredibly good post!!
    Blessings from MN,
    Jean

  30. Linny,
    We have been praying for your family. So much has happened, and it would scare anybody. Thank you for sharing all you share. It reminds us of how awesome God is and how perfectly he works.

    I want to be included in the drawing for the Memorial Box. I have also realized that we need some concrete reminders of what God has done!

  31. Your "Memorial Box" sounds a bit like my "Blessing Box". They pretty much work the same way.

    You and your family have been through a lot. Are you familiar with a Canadian christian singer named: Deborah Klassen? If not, I think you would like her. This post of yours reminds me of her.

    Her website is: http://www.deborahklassen.com

    God Bless!
    Ck

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