She adores Baba. She does not like Dw and I both gone, so if we both go, she goes too. We are tickled about that and love showing her off to anyone we meet – whether we know them or not!!
But then there was that man…..downtown….and what he said….. something that happened in the first hour or so that we were out on the first day we went. Really, it almost happened immediately.
We were ordering a ticket at the train station to go on the Polar Express (we were given a bunch, but needed one more) and there was just one other couple in the station. Jubilee ran over to them (about 10 feet from me) and waved “hi”. The man said one of the most mean things I could ever imagine.
I thought, “there is no way – – – he did not just say that.” Dw was a few feet from both of us and thought, “he did not just say that”. When we walked outside Dw said to me, “Did you hear what he said?” Yes, we had both heard the same thing. It was about her physical appearance. Dw and I were both dumbfounded. How could anyone be so heartless? How could anyone be that mean? Downright cruel!!! I am angered just thinking about it now. He was a grown adult, probably close to 60 years old. And I am sooooo relieved that she doesn’t understand English.
I have always leaned toward grace, but somehow think that some cases may call for a tad of sweet reality!! =)
What do you guys think??
What do I think……..I think that person does not deserve even one more second of your precious time wasted on trying to understand the nonsense he was coming out with! You just cant make sense out of nonsense. I think I waould have had to line up behind Emma if I was there to bop him on the nose! As you know Jubilee is beyond beautiful. To be adapting to such a huge change in her life, (especially with the tough beginning she has had)with such grace, takes an inner beauty ALL of us can learn from. Your family radiates such a beautiful light that we all enjoy basking in. Thats why we are here! Love to you all. XX
Sandie – Australia
Awful, horrible man! The first week we were home with Isaiah, we were pulling him around our neighborhood in his little wagon. A neighbor came right out to us to see him and once she looked at his face (cleft lip and palate repaired in china) she said right in front of him. "You are going to have more surgeries on his face aren't you?" and in a horrible tone. I really wanted to lash out at her about her son's attitude problem and that the apple obviously does not rot far from the tree! 🙂 I was reminded that she must be really miserable because she did not know Jesus. I was shocked, hurt, angry. I also reminded her that just because he wasn't speaking much, that he COULD understand her. I have had a few other encounters from complete strangers. One of which I asked the person why they felt they could ask such personal questions given the fact they do not know us? Shut them right up. I agree we have to show grace, but do think it is more that okay to defend our children and not accept bad behavior from grown adults. SHAME ON HIM! I think Jubilee looks like an angel….it warms my heart to see her smiling so big and looking so happy!
Blessings to you!
PS Boxing gloves for Emmy's next birthday perhaps? 🙂
Linny,
So sorry beautiful little Jubliee had such a mean, nasty comment so soon after getting home.
We have had lots of comments about how interesting it is that we "got a boy" from China since they only thought they "gave away" their girls. Those comments are hurtful for sure, but the one that really got to me was this past summer on the 4th of July.
We were at a community picnic when the older women sitting across from us at the table began the same conversation about how interesting it was we got a boy. Then she took it one step further, and she began to comment on how Philip's lip and nose must have been the reason he was "given away" to begin with. With that, I didn't even say anything but quickly stopped eating, picked up Philip, and took him out of the tent.
Honestly, I do try to be patient with people and give sweet, calm explanations when they ask appropriate questions, but this lady's comments were so over the top. I didn't even say good-bye or anything. I was shaking by the time I got to the car. Wow! How could someone be so rude and cruel! Thanks be to God that Philip did not know English as well as he does now. But in the future, he will still have to face those types of statements unfortunately.
Praying for all you and all of us who face this often to be able to answer in the light of God's answers.
Hugs to you all from our family,
Janet, Kevin, Ted, Philip, and waiting for our Eli
Wow. I can't even believe that either. CRAZY!! That guy seriously needs prayer!
We are so happy for you guys more and more!! Love the pictures, love the stories, love Jubilee!!!
I can't believe some people. I would've punched him, too!
I was wondering, what kinds of special needs does Jubilee have? I ask this solely out of curiosity. She is a beautiful little girl and I am just wondering what they are because I remember you writing somewhere (I think when you announced her on Isaiah's journey page) that she may never live on her own. If you don't feel like announcing it to the world, you can email me at worldtraveler1125@yahoo.com, or if you don't want to answer at all, I understand. May God bless you and your family for the work you are doing to save the orphan.
Now when are you bringing the next beautiful one home? 🙂
Mama Bear Attack! Actually, I don't think people like that are worth your breath.
First of all she looks soooo cute!
About the comment well, I have been working on figuring that out myself. I have not had any problems with children only adults which is soooooo sad. I sure hope you get some good answers because I will be back to check.
We deal with this everyday and I'm waiting for some great insight on this topic. After our son got asked EVERYDAY at school why his sister only had one ear, he started telling people, "That's just the way God made her." It seemed to work for kids.
I would think adults would be more compassionate and loving toward all kids.
Jubilee is beautiful and we're so happy she is home. Waiting for Great Insight.
Oh that just stinks! I think she's adorable!! I was recently on an architectural tour and there was an older couple there too. The man had clearly gone down hill and would just say whatever he was thinking, no matter how inappropriate or if others were speaking. The wife struggled to hush him and apologize for him. He was just so RUDE! I suspect that he was always on the rude end of things in life but now he was just twice as bad. It was hard to ignore him when he didn't insult me as deeply as you were. But I just kept telling myself that it was a sad result of old age for him. I felt so bad for his wife who must be exhausted from caring for someone who was flat out unkind and mean all the time.
Where's that guy, let me get my hands on him!!! Having said that, here is what we've had to do over the years.
Linny, I had to learn to leave it in the Master's hands. It was SO difficult at first. I would think, good gravy we are in the 21st century and still people would stare and laugh. Even this Christmas week we were at Wendy's and we had people looking at M as if he was from outer space. We just go about our business now and let it go. Many will say we've come a long way in society in regards to those with disabilities and yes we have. however, we still have miles and miles to go.
I'm with Emma though, at first I wanted to punch everyone' lights out when they were cruel to the boys. I totally can understand where she is coming from. However I think we are to show grace. It's probably going to be needed often. Just know that there are those that love your precious Jubilee and we haven't even met her. And I personally think she is one cute little button. Hugs and love
My oldest heard this comment at a staff party, while waiting for her little sister to come home from China, from an idiot-husband of a co-worker: Well why don't you pick up a whole handful of 'em while yer there (china), they're givin' 'em out for free.
I was gobsmacked. Speechless. I'm rarely either. 🙂
But, idiot-husband says stupid things ALL the time. All.The.Time. I'm just thankful that they don't let him out very much heh heh heh.
For some people, all you can do is shake your head and walk away. If your daughter could have understood, there might have been a different response from you. Practice one NOW. 🙂 "Our daughter is perfect JUST the way she is and we love her VERY much" or something positive like that.
Best,
Snick 🙂
Our daughter Abby has a physical disability since she had brain surgery at 3. We have had to teach her from the very beginning how to handle questions from people. I didn't realize how much we had prepared her until about a year after her surgery and we were on her make a wish trip to Disney. We were actually visiting Universal that day, and it was VERY hot, and being with a make a wish kid we got to skip the line and go to straight to the front of a ride. The people had obviously been waiting a long time, and the man who was first in line was none to pleased. You can't see her disability unless she is walking, etc. and she was 4 and in a stroller. He started cursing loudly and talking about how unfair it was that we got to cut because their was nothing wrong with anybody in our group. My tiny little 4 yo stood up, put her good hand on her hip and said (with speech difficulty – couldn't say r), "I am on my make a wish twip. I had bwain surgery and work real hard for my body to work. My bwain is bwoken, but yours is just mean and wude – and you shouldn't say those words." The rest of the line clapped, but that man turned bright red, and had to walk away. We saw him in the park later and he apologized. I don't know what possesses people to actually say what horrible thing they are thinking, I just know that I pray really hard for the patience and grace to handle things. Abby on the other hand, handles things just perfectly.
Teach Jubilee that others don't have the kindness shown to them that you expect of her, and help her come up with an age appropriate, matter of fact explanation. Most kids shrug off Abby's leg brace once she says she was sick and her mom had to choose between heaven for her, or a sleepy arm and leg. Jubilee is definitely in the right family to give her the support and guidance she deserves. I continue to pray for an easy transition for your family.
Linny,
First of all, call me whatever, but I don't see any special needs… I see Jubilee… a hysterically happy, giggling little girl. Her smile should melt even the grumpiest of all "nasties".
I have several thoughts on come 'reality' come-backs, but my mouth usually gets itself in wayyyyy too much trouble.
Hugs for EVERY ONE!!!
Barbara Lyman 🙂
Marysville, WA
ps Hi Tyler & Sarah 🙂
oh sweet Linny, so sorry that happened! I have had horrible things said about my children and their behavior or looks or Moriah's obvious different race. Yes I have exreme kindness and grace usually, but, like Emma, mess with my babies and watch out! I think honesty, firmness and sheltering the child in the circumstance. Make sure if they hear it, that you correct that adult in front of them with firm, authority. And tell the child they are WRONG and what GOD says that counters that. If the child did not hear it, go to that person quietly and firmly say, HEY that was rude and wrong. You need to be more kind to ALL of God's children! Also, even in our rage, that sad soul needs our compassion. They are so ugly and disfigured on the inside they cannot see the beauty right in front of them. And they must not know God. at. all.
I love you.(((hugs)))
I would have punched him too! When we went camping this summer I had my first taste of ignorance with Emilia. We were standing in line at a Mc Donalds and in front of us was a woman with probably her adult son. She turned around and saw me standing behind her holding Em. Silly me I was waiting for her to start making a fuss over her, but instead she kind of nudged her son and he turned to look at Em. Then they whispered some words to each other, took another look at Em (with disapproving looks on there prune faces). I stood not one foot from them watching in complete amazement at their outright disapproval of my daughter, they made it very obvious they didn't think she was cute.I had a whole plan set in my head, after we ordered I was going to sit next to them and spill a soda or something. I was going to ask this lady to hold Em so I could pick up the spill. I'd fix her! Well the good Lord must have been listening because i think they took their food to go, I searched everywhere for them. Probably was a good thing. You should never deal with ignorance and hatred while you're stinkin' mad!
Just as Em didn't have a clue as to what was going on, I'm glad Jubilee doesn't have that memory as one of her first in her new home.So sorry you and DW had to be hurt like that.Hopefully his wife dealt with him later.
BTW, how was the Polar Express? Did Jubilee love it?
Grace is for the nice, sweet innocent children who may mention something….Reality is for the older, wiser people who should know better. Give it to them Linny!
I am so excited you are all together and those big smiles are all over all of your faces.
God Bless
something similar happened to us in a Chinese restaurant at lunch time. Sarah bumped into a man sitting at a table and he said swore at her- using 3-4 completely inappropriate words. Her brothers heard it and they where upset- we all compared what we thought he said. I let it go for two reasons-
1. she didn't understand english AND HAD NO CLUE OF THE WORDS HE USED. (oops caps lock 😉
2. I was upset and would have handled it badly. I mean- I was feeling like Emma and ready to punch him. The scene I was about to make would have effected sarah worse than the words she didn't understand.
I think you will get some more of this because people can just be plain stupid and unkind. I would be prepared to say something that stop their behavior and protects Jubilee. I am looking forward to what others say. I am guessing this group will have some good ideas!
What a creep he was!
I think Jubilee is very pretty and with your love and tender care she will grow even more beautiful.
I think I would also want to punch. Perhaps I would have said that the ONE who made her thinks she's just right, his masterpiece.
I'm very sorry that this man could not see Jubilee's beauty. It makes me very happy to know, though, that she is surrounded by people who do.
God bless you.
Oh Linny!! I can't even imagine how someone could say mean things about a child like that… very sad. Our son has ectodermal dysplasia- very dry skin, little to no hair and only two teeth that are pointed. So far, no one has said anything mean in front of us. We've had some questions, but they were always done very nicely. We did get several stares while in China, but we would just smile sweetly and give him an extra hug. Our boy is FULL of personality and has won over anyone who may have even THOUGHT about making a comment about his appearance, LOL!! I'm sure Miss Jubilee will do the same:) I'll be interested to see what others have to say about mean comments.
In Him,
Karen
Mama to 7 blessings
Oh, Linny, I always feel so unprepared for moments like those. While Ellie's situation is different, we get comments that I think would make her uncomfortable if she were old enough to understand them. Will she always ahve to use those crutches? Will she ever be able to walk?
Advice I've read helps me remember that we must respond in a way would make our child more comfortable, not more uncomfortable.
I've actually talked with Josie-Tatum and asked her what she wants me to say when people ask, "Are they really sisters?" Some people persist even when my answer is a simple yes.
So, we have to ask ourselves what is most important at the time, the education of the ignorant or the comfort of our child. It's a difficult balance, and a hard fallen world in which we live.
I don't have any answers, but I will be anxious to hear what others have to say. My heart wants to shout, "We believe she was fearfully and wonderfully made by a Heavenly Father whose love knows now end."
Love and more prayers!
Robbie
i had a sister who had cerebral palsy & brain damage. she was in a wheelchair or always carried. i can remember ever since i was in grade school i was the "defender" of her and any other special needs kids. whether comments were made by other kids or by grown-ups, my mom was a little more on the forgiving side, but i was outspoken. there are times (just like what you encountered today) where people need to be made aware that what they are saying is hurtful and completely inexcusable.
i will pray that you are given wisdom with how to deal with those sort of people b/c although your precious child doesn't understand the words yet… she'll learn to understand the tone in which they are said. that guy is really glad i wasn't there either. i'm with Emmy on this one…. yucko.
So sad! While I too tend to give most the benefit of the doubt and offer grace, when it comes to my children and something that hurtful…I turn into mama bear! I think I would have punched him too 🙂 Just kidding, but I would have most definately said something back….what is wrong with people! While waiting to bring Eli home I was looking at youtube videos of people with down syndrome and was in tears reading the horrible comments that were below the videos! We know the creator formed them perfectly and miss Jubilee is certainly beautiful!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I would like to assume that man had a previous head injury that created brain damage that led to uncontrollable comments. Otherwise, he might have been mentally ill or an alcoholic. If he was none of those then lets assume he is mentally ill because he most certainly is not mentally healthy!Pray for him with all your might that he might think and speak differently!
I'm with Emma … punch him. (just kidding … I would never DO that, but I would sure WANT to.)
My real response … pray. Pray for wisdom, ahead of time, so that you will know when to keep quiet, and when to speak out (respectfully, of course).
With a dozen kids (some of them being African), I am used to stares and comments. Sometimes I keep quiet … other times I respond. Once, the comments were from a store employee, and I filed a report with the manager and NEVER returned to that store.
Pray boldly and speak boldly. God will give you the wisdom that you need.
mama of many
I think we're always called upon to side with grace – people can be nasty – and frankly, that just stinks.
The pastor of my mom's church preached a series on Matthew 5 and I was fortunate enough to be able to hear 3 of those sermons. It really struck me because I know I'm guilty of not always loving my enemy.
My husband and I have never adopted but have lost five children through heart-breaking miscarriages. The comments and trite sayings we heard were often so uncaring and thoughtless. Even people who "meant well" said cold and horrible things. Our suggestion to you is to think of and pray over some one-liner responses for several categories (her looks, her behavior, her heritage, etc.) to already have in your head. They will come out when needed.
First, make sure they are said graciously, even if they are blunt or jolting. Second, make sure they don't disgrace the Name of Jesus. He will give you some ideas. We just found it really helpful to already have thought through some possible situations so we were no longer taken off gaurd. When we were taken off guard, sometimes we had to go back and ask forgivness for our thoughtless or rude responses.
We love seeing God bless you with Julbilee – what a sweet blessing from above! May He grant you much wisdom and strength.
It is not easy to gracefully manage the rude comments and inevitable uncomfortable stares. No doubt, Jubilee knows what he said without understanding the words because the C**nese are very vocal about their dislike of facial differences. My Sera was very used to extremely critical remarks there and does much better here with the decreased frequency of them. Kids will generally be the cruelest, and those comments hurt her the most. I know you will find a way to gracefully deflect the comments of the adults and will be there to console her when the kids have wounded her heart. She sounds to be very much like my Sera , though, and is a happy little bugaboo. Her smile and joy should prevent a lot of the rudeness.
Always go with grace. He may have Alzheimers and they often say whatever comes to mind.
Oh, Linny I'm so sorry. People can be so thoughtless and hurtful…I just don't understand. I hope it encourages you a little to know that there are amazing doctors out there that will help Jubilee. Just look what God has done for KayLi! In the mean time, I'll be praying that God gives you wisdom.
My favorite response to those making comments about Elizabeth's appearance (being from China) is for her to say "God made my eyes this way because He thought they were beautiful", "I'm glad He picked the most beautiful eyes for ME!"
I would have been tempted to make a comment about his own physical appearance but it sounds like you handled that with dignity and grace. Want a boxing glove?
I don't know about you Linny, but whenever that happens to one of my children, it only makes my bond and love with them that much stronger! xoxoxoxo
Linny,
I am so sorry that you and your husband had to experience the extremely rude man's comment about your sweet little girl. Isn't it awful how one ugly remark can color how you feel and just remains with you. We have a son from China with repaired cleft l/p who has had a few not so nice comments made about him. Also luckily made right after he came home and he didn't understand. We also have a son from Vietnam born with one hand who has had some stares and a few comments from children who ask "what happened to his hand?" He has heard me say, "he was born this way" and so he has now begun to say that himself. My kids all go to the small rural school where I have taught for a very long time and so the kids are pretty kind and understanding. I do worry about when they go to middle school. Your Jubilee is very blessed to have you as her family and I know she will be just fine!
I think that grace IS reality….
but some times testosterone based expressions are SWEET!!!
DID I JUST SAY THAT?????????
Lord I apologize…….
I have a son who has special needs and is in a wheelchair and also wears a hat to keep his hearing aids in as he is severely hearing impaired.
Whenever I get any of those comments or looks I am with you, I give them grace. Grace that what a hard life they live as they don't get the joy of knowing someone who has special needs.
I am so sorry that happened to you.
I have been reading your blog since the fire and this is my first time commenting.
Hi Linny – not sure what Jubilee's special need is or if there is any treatment, what I have seen from the pictures is that she is and will become a beautiful girl. Some of her expressions (jaw placement) are different, but others are universal and sooo sweet. She is a wonderful girl. Just as with any person, there are differences. I learned yesterday I needed leg braces when I was young – so young I do not remember them – My brother had surgery to remove 11th toe and jaw surgery as his jaw was significantly misaligned. Teach her to let it roll off her back, teach her love and generosity, teach her to care for those who have disabilities and differences rather than ridicule them – even in humor. Teach her that we all have challenges and that some are seen and others are unseen. Challenges come in all shapes and sizes. Stacy
Honestly Linn, I do not see anything to even comment about other then she is beautiful and I would agree that some people need a reality check seriously inappropriate, and I am sorry that someone could be that mean to a little angel. She is simply beautiful.
I tend also to go with grace. I'm sure his wife gave him an earful if she tried to cover his hatred with kindness. Linny it is just stupidity that causes hateful and hurtful words toward a child. I say pray for him.
Praise God Jub*lee's English is so limited and she is loved so passionately by her whole family and extended family.
Oh Linny… that is heartbreaking.
I think sometimes I had the worst of both worlds in communicating with sign language (a very obvious disability indicator) and being able to lipread. Thus people felt safe saying things that were hurtful.
Can I give a bit of advice? Find a way that honors God that also goes to bat for your precious Jubilee. Going to bat for her by educating someone. I just fear that sometimes showing Grace can give the wrong impression that something is okay… not just for the offender, but for Jubilee.
God gave her to you two – and part of parenting is protecting – and I pray that God will give you a way to diffuse any situations like that – while still allowing His love to speak to whomever is being unkind.
(The day my mother arrived at my school and saw another second grader scream, "DUH DEAF" in my face, was my last day at that school – I can only imagine what I would have felt if I'd assumed she thought it was acceptable).
Again, my heart aches for what you heard.
Ugh… I don't know… I'd be livid. I'm sure we should feel more sorry for him and how hopeless he must be without the love of Christ. It still is such a mean thing and I pray I'd be able to extend grace — I'm thinking it'd more likely be a nasty response back!!
While I don't have a child with a physical special need, I do have a child with a neurological speech disorder. She has trouble with grammar and articulation among other issues. When she speaks she can be difficult to understand. Adults more than her peers are the cruelest. The comments they have made have infuriated me. So I have learned to stop, pray and remind Chloe how beautiful and special she is to God. i than patiently (most of the time =) explain to the ignorant adult what she deals with on a daily basis. I also tell them that I am praying that God will open their hearts and eyes. I will be praying that God will shield Jubilee from such cruelty and that He will give you and your family the right words to say if this ever happens again.
Linny, First of all… I think I was 1600 of the 1800 hits on your website waiting on a jubilee update! You have such a sweet family and I've been reading your miraculous journey for a while now. When I read about you getting Jubilee finally, the tears flowed!! 🙂
I have a daughter with an incomplete trisomy of the 12th chromosome- she is the only documented case of her duplication in the world! Lucky for her, she doesn't have any huge noticeable deformities, but we have had comments. I think the best way to handle them is to confront the person commenting in a matter-of-fact fashion. "Did you hear what you just said? She is a child, and what you said was so hurtful." If they have half a brain, they will think twice next time. Most people who let their mouth run don't usually have close to half a brain, so no matter what you say, it won't make a difference. But if you say SOMETHING, at least you will feel like the protector… I think if you just bite your tongue, there is no lesson learned by the commenter.
We've heard all kinds of comments and accusations. Once at Walmart, we were holding our 6 month old daughter (who was in a cast from her armpits to her toes just after having surgery at Mayo on her dislocated hips) and the young girl who was checking us out asked us in a not-so-polite way what the heck we did to her that she would end up in a body cast and that we must be some sick individuals. Ha! Told her it wasn't us, it was a surgeon that did it.
A young man SHOUTED at me in a shopping mall "N*- lover!" when toting my african foster sister through the mall once.
I know I can handle the comments, but how will our little Kelsey handle them on her own when she is able to understand? That's the tough part.
Anyway, I don't expect you to publish this… it turned into a looooooong comment!!
You'll do fine and I'm sure you handled yourself appropriately. It stinks that those kind of people feel the urge to be hurtful. 🙁
My husband's grandmother was a sweet, gentle woman…until she got Alzheimers. Then she became mean. I'm not excusing this man at all, but it seems to me that someone his age, who should have known better may not be fully mentally competent.
Still, I'd be mad. 🙂
I'm with Emma, punching him sounds like a good option. Seriously though people are just so rude and ignorant, I was in Target today and the poor cashier was unloading on how customer's were mean to her. Jubilee is a beautiful girl and people that can make such rotten comments are just not worth your time. She's so blessed to have so many people in her life that love her and so many brothers to protect her, including Emma!
I think Jubilee is beautiful!!
Unfortunately there are unkind people all over this world. We can only pray that by our example, gentle teaching, kindness and our precious children that they will eventually learn that ALL children are a gift from God.
(however, I probably would have cried on the spot or said something I would have later regretted)
Linny, the million dollar question: how do we handle rude/critical comments to or about our children? My first response is with GRACE because we have to answer for what comes out of our mouths, and because we want the response to make our children feel comfortable, all the while glorifying the Father. In most of these situations we're taken aback, wondering if we really heard right, too dumbfounded to know how to respond.
What is most difficult is when these comments come from family. Even then, God gives us the grace we need to respond appropriately. I've found that if I am angry, it doesn't bother the offender, only me! I agree with another poster that when these things happen it makes me love my child even more and want to protect him/her even more.
Don't get me wrong – I DO get mad and would LIKE to knock the block off people who are stupid, but then I remember that they are accountable to the Father for what they say and do, and I'm pretty sure He can handle it much better than I 🙂 Love you, friend!
Linny –
I am so sorry that happened to your family. I am not sure why this story popped in my head, but there seems to be wisdom in it.
I read once that a reporter was following Mother Teresa around to write a story about her. She was working with indigent people who were very, very sick, as this was her whole life's work. She stopped to help someone and began to clean maggots out of the person's wound. The reporter gagged and said "I wouldn't do that for a million dollars." Mother Teresa looked at him and said "Neither would I." I think the reason I thought about it is that things can be said back to a rude comment that both are said lovingly (without Jubilee losing her dignity) and yet get the point across. I will pray that you always have just the right words to say either to Jubilee or to an offending person, if necessary.
Many blessings to you and your entire family.
Hi Linn,
With Nora's port wine stain we have had some people (both adults and older children who know better) say some incredible things. I always think of the perfect thing to say about 2 hours later! We have taught Nora to either respond that "it is a birthmark" or "none of your business" when someone asks. It is her body and we wanted her to feel empowered that not everyone who asked was entitled to her personal information. My mamma bear fur has gotten ruffled a few times, but God has given Nora the perfect personality and outlook to manage her special need. I am sure God will give both you and Jubilee the same.
Hugs,
Ann Marie
joyfullybusy.blogspot.com
One of our sons (9) was born missing lower leg bones; he had amputations and wears prosthetics. We have for years gotten many comments. Sometimes the people meant to be nice – like the older man who gave me back ds's dollar at the merry-go-gound "because he's handicapped." I told him, "look at him, don't you tell him that!" but the man had tears in his eyes so I was gentle in my approach. Some are ridiculous – "did you know about that when you adopted him?" grrrr. Then there was the gal working at target who kept asking loudly, right next to my then 8-year-old ds, "What happened to his legs?" I ignored, she persisted. I told her he was right there and could hear and speak. She kept asking, demanding more detail. Finally I told her that was a personal question for someone she didn't know, and then I talked to the manager about disability awareness. My blood always boils in these instances (there have been plenty of others) but I try to remember what an adult with limb differences told me: he feels very uncomfortable when those with him become angry or upset on his behalf, as he then feels responsible. So I try to remain neutral outside for my son's sake, while still dealing with the situation appropriately (I've been known to quietly get in the face of a little rascal to point out manners, adults are harder).
I've also worked to help my son come up with his own answers; the one he chose is "God made everyone different." Though there was one time on the playground when he told the staring children that he'd been in the civil war and was shot, got gangrene and had amputations. Homeschool meets limb difference LOL.
Congratulations to you all, Miss Jubilee is simply beautiful.
Dear Linny and family…so sorry you had to have that experience, and that Jubilee couldn't understand his words. i pray that it will be your only experience of such a nature, but realistically know it probably won't be. I pray you find the words you need and the grace you need not to react too emotionally. My daughter is limb different, though it is not obvious when she has on her prosthetic. She has, at 4, learned to just tell people that it is just the way God made her….I am sure that Jubilee will reach a day when she too can respond in such a way ( though i know it will still be hurtful, just as it is to my daughter).
Blessings and Congratulations on being home! I have been watching and praying for that to occur for a long time!
Andrea
I guess I can say I am glad I wasn't there because I would have punched him also (like Emma) … Our daughter has a very visible physical scar … She is a burn victim and has lost 1/2 of the hair on her head along w/ part of her skull … When I was in China getting my sweet angel I was never more disappointed in the human race … People said things, made faces of disgust, and were ashamed to see her out …
I will tell you a day never goes by where I don't tell her she is beautiful, smart, special and little stinker … hee hee … She is becoming more confident w/each day … When she first came home she wouldn't look anyone in the eyes and because of her treatment in China I totally understood why … We have had so many people invest in loving on our daughter that now she is much more outgoing … We still do get the kids w/ their unkind comments, but we are always there to look her in the eyes and smile at her beauty … it is funny, but I can see the people coming in my spirit who may respond to her negatively and I steer clear, but i am the mama bear and I don't mind scolding both young and old if they ask in an inappropriate way about her head … Sorry to write a book, but I totally get where you are at …
blessings to your family!!!
I would have been boiling!!! But I have found that many people especially from that generation have not had experiences with others with SN. Unfourtunately when they were growing up many people with SN were hidden away and went to different schoolds etc. BELEIEVE me I don't think its an excuse and rudeness is rudeness no matter what!!! If only people could judge from the inside out FIRST!!!! Hugs to Jubilee from me and tell her I think she is so incredibly brave!!!!!
Kathie in NY
During my wait for my daughter from China I read comments about how to handle this and one comment really spoke God's truth to me.
Your total focus should be on your daughter. Never will you have her focus as much as in a time like this. It is the ultimate teaching opportunity. So think what is important for you to teach your daughter ahead of time?
For me is that I am her protector.
That this is a fallen world and you should expect worldy people to act this selfishly. That you must not believe their lies and I tell her what the truth is. If I can just ignore the person, I do. If a response is expected I try to educate the person with gentleness, kindness and every other fruit I can muster at the time. I try to remember that anger is not one of the fruits of the Spirit 🙂
My daughter mostly gets positive comments but there is a lot of comments said in front of her how Chinese don't care for girls, etc. etc. People just don't seem to understand that attacking her heritage is a personal attack on her. Her heritage is part of who she is. I tell her that women abandon babies all over the world but in some countries it is a bigger problem because of wars and govt. rules.
I don't always succeed at this but I always have a plan in mind.
Oh, my goodness! I have to say that I am usually the 1st to at least whisper a snide comment back to someone who is just plain rude and obnoxious but while I was reading your post a felt the Lord whispering to me that maybe he has dementia or alzhiemers and he just has no filter. We spent Christmas day with my in-laws… My sister-in-laws dad has alzheimers and I was really surprised by some of what he said to us and the kids. He is a wonderful man who sang in a barbershop quartet and never met a stranger. He never ever had an unkind word and kids would follow him like the pied piper. My sister in law has told us about her dad recently being kicked out of a restaurant because of things he said to a waitress and a small child! I really had a hard time with that until we spent the day with him. He really did not know what he was saying. He was easily redirected at this point but the kids (even his own grandkids) were really freaked out by him. This type of disease is really worse for those around the person, at least to begin with.
I say all of this with the hope in my heart that the guy you met really would not have said what he said under normal circumstances!
Sheri
My daughter does not have an extreme special need, but what she has is extremely noticeable. We get comments every time we go out. Mostly those comments are positive. Often, they are simply thoughtless. Rarely, they are said with a mean-spiritedness that takes my breath away. The worst, I think, was when a cashier asked very loudly what was wrong with my daughter's eyes and why they moved around so much. It took everything I had not to ask that woman what was wrong with her brain.
One thing that I keep in mind is that my daughter lived seven years without me. She knows she is different. She has been stared at, pointed out, commented on. I can not protect her from that. It has already happened many times and will continue to happen because she is who she is. It is my job, then, to teach her that being unique is a God-given gift. It is my job to lift her up so high that the cruel people of the world will never be able to bring her down. It is my job and my joy to be her safe place to come home to, her mirror in which she will always see how beautiful she is.
We are blessed to be the guardians of our daughters' gorgeous spirits (and, really, who could not be touched by their bright smiles or be filled with joy at their sweet giggles?). We are their cheerleaders and their advocates. That is where our energy must be spent.
As for the rest, I think that grace must always win out, but there is nothing wrong with speaking the truth in love. I have done it on occassion, and I don't regret it.
Congratulations on finally having Jubilee in your arms. God will touch many lives through her story.
I am so, so sorry what he said to Jubilee. We are so excited for you to have her and all of us rejoiced for you when you got her home.
The problem here is that the man is missing his filter. The one that goes between his brain and his mouth. Some people just have to say everything that comes into their mind and those are the people that usually think horrible things. My own father is one of these folks and when he says things to me or the kids I do just want to give him a huge smack upside the head and say "THINK"! Which saddly is several times every time we see him.
And yes, his wife probably was horrified and thinking "Earth swallow me whole." I won't even go out in public with my dad anymore and we try to have only my parents over when there is no chance of anyone else being here or stopping by. We try to make their visits as far and few between as possible.
I guess just give her extra hugs and teach her about grace and being merciful. That is all I know to do.
Mean words are usually thoughtless words.
When Sis was 7 months old, we were in WM. Ashley had two giant braces – one on her arm and one on her leg. A lady in line, turned and said, "you poor thing. What did your mother do to you?"
Really? As if I didn't carry enough guilt? She didn't wear braces in public for months!
Then, a woman was watching Ashley play in the waiting room before physical therapy one afternoon. Ashley couldn't walk and obviously struggled with sitting and using her hand.
This insensitive, cold-hearted woman looked at her and said, "well, at least she's pretty."
The only thing that saved her life was Ashley's PT. She had walked up behind the lady, heard the comment and wisked Ashley and her Gran away before my mom could retaliate.
Neither person thought. They just spoke. It doesn't get easier. But I usually think to myself, "my child may have a disability, but she is not mean."
We have 5 kids right now. My husband is Indian, and I have 3 very, very white children and 2 that are obviously a mix. To further complicate, we are a couple of 30-year-olds with a 16-year-old daughter. I can't help but laugh at bewildered waiters who very delicately ask, "Um… how will this check be split?"
Unfortunately, the comments aren't always delicate or even nice. We get a lot of, "Are ALL these kids yours?" One lady even said, "No, really?" when i told her yes. And then we have the people who think that my daughter and my husband are together. It's a mess, and we never know what kind of comments we are going to get when we go out. Still, I'm always really surprised and taken aback when someone says something mean and nasty. Normally I only stutter and stammer a response, then stew for a couple of hours about what I *could* have said.
All this pales in comparison to the pure hatred that some people have spewed out to some of your children. I know that God would have us respond in a way that honors him… but then, I think about the fact that he made his feelings about children known. So.. maybe something along the lines of, "Wow, sir. I'm sorry you have so much hatred in your heart. But, God loves me just the way that i am. He probably loves you, too."
My whole family is just ecstatic that Jubilee is home! We think she is absolutely lovely. Congratulations on your new little girl!
Love,
Paul Family
Brings tears to my eyes. Really … a grown man?????? I think some reality is in store, although I tend to be quiet as well since my words would only bring me to his level. I think that God can bring reality with love it's just my flesh tends to get in the way in those situations. So sad that you had to hear it but grateful the she did not understand!
Blessings, Lisa C.
I work with students with special needs. We talk about comments people make and how they can be downright rude. One of my students had this suggestion," It's just so hard to figure people out from their looks. You have a perfect looking mouth and just said one of the ugliest things I've ever heard."
I get into trouble because I can't bite my tongue! I'm sorry for the ignorance of this man……..
On black Friday I was not going out. My girls and I got a little stir crazy and decided to go out in the afternoon. We went to Target and went to the toy aisle. A lady close to 60 was on her cell phone looking at a Kai Lan video. We were standing right behind her so she didn't see us. We hear her say " I don't know, there is some stupid looking little oriental girl on the front." It was just us and her. I cleared my throat and she turned around and turned every shade of red you can think of. She said "I didn't mean that the way it sounded." I just looked at her and said " Oh really?" I said to the girls "let's go." The mom in me wanted to slap her upside the head. But I knew the way I handled these situations sets an example for my kids. Deep down I think this lady will think twice before she says something so stupid again. What were the chances of her saying that and turn around and see this white woman with three asian daughters staring at her? God will take care of people who act like this.
so sad- but the truth we live in a fallen world- we live on earth not in Heaven. It is so sad people are so cruel sometimes. I think sometimes people just don't have that filter that is needed to protect one's heart- i think they had horrible lives and never learned how to show compassion- I am thankful God shows us Grace and Mercy- Compassion- Hope that not everyone sees. I will pray for that Man and his heart- Hopefully he feels remorse. My dad is one of those people who don't have a filter- i grew up in that environment where nice things were not said about others- everything mean and ugly was.
I pray protection for you and the family-Jubilee- and your hearts. May others see Christ in you and through you.
Whatever you choose to say, keep remembering that eventually Jubilee will understand your reactions. Now when people tell me how sorry they are about my boys and waht not – just wait … even doctors will say cruel things. I just tell them I don't know how I got so lucky or they sure have more going for them than most kids these days. We have five SN kids, four have physical differences and the boy seem to really provoke people to say things and "get into their face" and even try to remove their glases to see their eyes. I hate that when they touch them and say freaky things about them. I just keep telling the kids how perfectly they were made. In HS, the first verses I keep teaching them is about "being fearfully and wonderfully made – knitted together" and so on. I reteach that concept often.
Be prepared for when the new surgeon or someone you meet will say in front of her "Didn't you get a choice about not adopting?" The geneticist shook his head when I told him I "chose" my boys. I know God did but … I did ask for them.
Now, if it's Michael and he's in the midst of it all, he doesn't mind telling people how he feels about them. LOL Men! And I hate to say it but at times I love to have him there and let him set some people straight. I do keep reminding him .. Christian testimony .. don't lose it! LOL LOL
Everytime I read this I get angry again. Jubilee Promise is a most beautiful child and I would love to give that man just a piece of what he deserves. I love the quote above that talks about the "perfect looking mouth with ugly spewing forth." Stupid people like that do not deserve to even be acknowledged but I'd love to "acknowledge" him with a word or two. Blessings on you all and praying that others will see the beauty in Jubilee and your family that we see. The love God has for the orphan just glows on all your faces. Love that new little once-upon-a-time orphan as I do all of your babes. Prayers!
Ugh, this angers me…people can be so rude, hurtful, ignorant, and just downright mean. I'm sorry you had to encounter such an experience. Jubilee is such a cutie patootie and her spirit shines through her face when she smiles. 🙂 Continue to love her and tell her how beautiful she is and how God made her beautiful. The love and encouragement from family can be the biggest boost of self-esteem as children develop and grow. Prayers for your family during this period of transition.
I think that you have a beautiful family!! Your children are so adorable and precious. I think that guy has no clue and you shouldn't waste your time on the stupidity of others!
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that! I'm always shocked at how cruel people can be. WOW! I have to remind myself that we aren't in a perfect world – at least not yet!
I actually came today to see if you'd have time to converse with my sister? (Either by phone or email?) She and her husband are in the process of adopting 3 children from Russia. Well, they WERE in the process of adopting 3 – now the 3 have turned into FIVE! YES, apparently the agency in Russia found 2 older siblings in other orphanages that they didn't know about. After MUCH prayer, my sister, her hubby and children have decided to adopt all 5. (They are ALL siblings)
However, her adoption agency wants them to talk with other families that have adopted multiple children. Of course I IMMEDIATELY thought of YOU! (and my sweet friend Amie!)
So, if you've just got too much going on, I completely understand. If not, could you shoot me an email and let me know how you'd like to converse? My email is nason5@aol.com
THANKS SOOOO MUCH!
Love,
Tonya
We have two three year old daughters with limb differences (adopted from China). First of all I promise you will get WAY more positive comments than rude ones! You just were unfortunate to get a rude one right off the bat. I have also found to my surprise that is adults that make them, not other children. We tell other children that that is just how they were born, and that it doesn't hurt (kids are always so worried it hurts) then they are totally fine with it. It is the adults, and usually of the older generation, that are missing a sensor between their brain and their mouth. My first response is to want to stomp them but it is important to remember that how you handle the situation is how your child will someday handle it. It's so hard to find the balance between teaching your child to stand up for themselves but to also act with grace and dignity. I have found sometimes it is best to simply say "You might not have realized it but that was a very very unkind thing to say to a little child". Of course even so sometimes I am like you. It is so shocking at the time that you think they couldn't have possibly said what they did! It doesn't hit you til later what transpired. The most important thing is to remember that you and your child know that they are perfect in every way!!
I have a daughter with hydrocephalus, so her head is significantly larger than other children's. The first time I got to take her out in public (after lengthy hospital stay) a lady behind me in line said, "Wow your baby has a huge head!". I was shocked and astounded. Since then, when people make comments, I simply say, "Well that was rude" and walk away. Megan is getting more vocal and when people ask what's wrong with her, she replies "nothing, what's wrong with you?". I think it hurts my son (older than my daughter) more. Just remember to make Jubilee feel as beautiful as she is by responding with dignity and grace. We do a lot of talking at home about medical issues/what God thinks and says about children and how they are created…
By the way, I have been reading your blog since shortly after your fire. I have been so touched by your family! I was so excited when Jubilee finally got home! You can do this… Jubilee is counting on you!
RRRRRRRrrrrrrrRRRRRRRR. What is wrong with people? My first instinct is to get in line behind Emma and bop the guy on the nose for saying something so mean to such a little sweetheart. But I suppose that wouldn't be setting a very good example for said little sweetheart, now would it. And I agree with what a lot of the other commenters said about age, Alzheimers, etc. destroying people's filters. My grandfather was a pretty good guy but when he got older and the dementia got worse, he started to say some pretty racist and sexist things, to the point I wouldn't want to be around him much anymore.
And then some other people are just clueless sometimes by nature. I will never forget how (accidentally) insensitive I was once to my husband's cousin. I'd met her a couple times before, and it was winter so she'd always been wearing long pants and I'd never noticed her prosthesis. One night we went over to family's house and she was standing in the kitchen in shorts, and there were no lights on in the room, just the glow of the TV out in the other room. I saw what I was sure was a cast on her ankle, and assumed she'd tripped or been injured playing sports or something. So I asked her (joking around like I'd seen my husband do many times with his family members and me too), "What did you do to yourself?" Oooooooooops. Bless her for being so gracious about it and explaining very matter-of-factly that she'd been born without a foot and then changing the subject. I couldn't even stammer out an apology or explain what I'd meant. I felt horrid afterwards and I still cringe at the memory. So yes, grace is necessary too, for dumb people like me.
Dear Linn and Dwight,
I am so very proud of you and the life you have designed for yourself. God has put these children in your hearts and homes for such a bigger purpose than any of these rude/crude adults can imagine. I share your story with EVERYONE I know. It is an awesome life that brings so much joy and hope to those who know you. I'm sure God will be taking care of those who can't love in HIS own way. When Jubilee is able to understand, I am sure you all will be able to help her sort out appropriate responses.
Love, Lori
The word that comes to mind is a "TASER" I REALLY BIG, really powerful really strong taser. Preferably one that when used.. launches the person across the room! lol
I think having grace is good but an adult who knows better should be told the truth. And the truth is he was being mean. I LOVE the story about the little girl being in line at Universal Studios.
Peace, Jen
Wow, I just can't believe people. I'm so sorry. =( Oh, and GOOOOO Emma! =)
Hmm…how about leaning over sympathetically to the wife and saying with compassion, "Alzheimer's?" with a sweet concerned smile on your face? So…if he DOES suffer, she is comforted that you understand, and if he is just downright rotten, the message gets across!?!?! HA!!! What is WRONG with people?!?!?!? That girlie of yours is adorable….and very loved…by you, your extended family, and all of us! She IS God's handiwork! And He created her perfectly!!!
Love & hugs…Nancy & ShaoXi
How about, in your best southern twang, ideally quite loudly, so as to cause a bit of social embarassment:
"Oh, pardon me…. i do declare such filthy speech from the VERY PIT OF HELL…. i didn't figure as much, coming from you, but your words give you away. Now please get behind us, satan, as we have things to be doing….."
There.
I feel better.
Remember, Jesus calling the pharisees a "brood of vipers" sounds painfully honest, but not a smidget sweet! save "sweet" for the questioners that mean well, but say things wrong. they deserve mercy. someone whose heart is so obviously being resided by the devil, deserves no "sweet" talk.
Firstly I'm so sorry that someone would say something to your Jubilee or even think it. I'll be praying the Lord softens his heart and that you and Jubilee will be equipped to handle comments.
I used to nanny for a little girl with 3rd degree burns she got while she was a baby (about 2 years before I met her). It left her with pretty significant burns all down her. She had to wear special bandages when it was sunny and I was amazed, floored that kids would say something like "mommy what's wrong with that girl" and the mom's would say "go ask her and find out". I mean, who would teach their child that? Why not teach them the Lord makes people who have red hair, blonde hair, people who are small and big, people who have bumps and lumps.
Anyways, they always taught her she could say
"that is a question about my body and I don't feel like answering" or she could give an answer. But one day she looked up at me and said "I just want them to all stop asking". To this day it haunts me and makes me weepy any child could go through that. But, she had spirit, she was strong and I am sure she teaches people things just by being here. As I know you all do to 🙂
Hi Linny, Sorry I haven't been over in awhile. I have not been reading my favorite blogs much lately, but I wanted to come and catch up!
I just wanted to say that I have been deeply hurt by some of the mean things people have said about our daughter. You may or may not remember me, but we brought our S home in the fall of 2008 at 3 years old with a very sick little heart and she also had a still unrepaired cleft lip and palate.
I guess I thought she would be shielded from rudeness at church and at the grocery store where we might not see anyone we actually knew but that was not the case.
The comment that still makes my blood boil is this:
"Oh, she looks SOOOO GOOOOOOOODDDD now that her lip is fixed."
You know what I say to them Linny? I often say in a very kind tone:
"Oh, well thank you for your thought on that, but her lip was never broken."
And I say this with a smile too. S just looks up at me and gets the biggest smile and often strokes her own lip. It is a fine line, but we do have to protect our precious treasures and we have to convey to them that they are precious and that physical appearance in God's eyes is beautiful in many shapes and forms.
As for the comments before her lip repair, it was basically more of the same: "Oh how soon will you be able to get her lip fixed?" (mind you, this was always in her earshot and she was 3 years old!!!)
I would say, "Well, her lip is not broken. She was just born with a cleft lip." And that was all I said b/c it was none of their business. Sometimes I would add (and still do):
"And yes, she is beautiful. I think so too!"
What can you do Linny though? Some people just don't get it.
I have really enjoyed reading your blog for the last HOUR and catching up. Jubilee has just blossomed and your new home sounds nice. I am sorry about your log home, but thank you for sharing so honestly and you always reflect God's goodness no matter the circumstances.
Love and Hugs,
Leslie (roomforatleastonemore)