A few miles from my dad’s apartment I had to stop and use the restroom. No doubt the stress of seeing him was enough for my intestines. Kind of weird, at my age to be so affected by a brief visit.
When we {Emma, Josh and I} got to his apartment he asked where all the other kids were. I told him that I had left them at Dw’s home place. He said, “Well, what are you doing here? I don’t want to see you.” {Not even kidding.} Emma’s and my eyes met and I said, “That’s okay dad, I wanted to see you.”
There is no doubt my dad is an unusual man. He is not really capable of loving. It is sad to my heart, but it is reality. It took me a long time to understand this. His decisions, his words and his abuse were not about me. It was about him. Anyway, someday I will probably share more, but for now, that’s about all I have.
My dad went with us to get a bite to eat. He told me about his sister’s funeral and some of my relatives he had seen. People I had not seen in a million years. We had a nice visit.
Then I drove him back to his apartment. I told him I loved him and hugged him goodbye.
I was very thankful I went to see my dad. Very. I really, really love him and I pray that even yet, he will be able to love others. {He did ask Jesus into his heart many, many years ago.}
After dropping my dad off, I just really wanted to see the house where I lived when I came home from the hospital as a baby. I wasn’t sure if I could find it, but I prayed and prayed some more and found the street without any effort. I was born at Sister’s Hospital in Buffalo, NY and brought home to the upper flat here in the city of Buffalo.
The young man on the porch was coming out of the house as I went to take the picture. I told him that I had lived in the house about 50 years ago and asked if it was okay if I took the picture. He obliged and then grinned really big. It was cute how tickled he got.
A few months later, my parents bought their first home….and this is where I lived until I married. I tried to think of some happy memories there. There really aren’t many so over-shadowed by pain.
This is a little view of the street. My house is there on the far right.
You know how I talk about always loving living in the country? Obviously, I did not grow up in the country…but check out the picture below. Do you see the blacktop that is a more recent addition under the car on the left? Do you see the patch of grass on the right of the fence? Adding the blacktop to the patch of grass, one would get a total of probably 12 or 15 feet wide right? And the 12 feet is probably about 15 feet long. Can you see it??
Okay, bear with me. Pretend the fence dividing the blacktop and patch of grass isn’t there. Cause when I was a girl it wasn’t. That was all just a patch between the two driveways. In that patch {approx 12×15} there were about 8 elm trees. They were pretty big.
Well that little patch with the elm trees was on the side street that I would walk to my elementary school – from kindergarten to 6th grade. I secretly called that little patch “my woods”….and everyday I would run to that patch and then slowly walk by it staring into those 8 trees. Then I would run the rest of the way to school. Same thing on the way home. I would run to that patch….slowly walk by it, staring at those trees and desperately longing to live in the country….dreaming of walking through the woods…soaking in the beauty of it all. So funny to me. Really, it was barely big enough to notice by a passerby, let alone dream that it was “my woods”.
This was my junior high – Benjamin Franklin Junior High. My junior high years were very painful. I became suicidal. Hard to type those words, but nonetheless, true. When I picture those days, they were dark. Very, very dark.
I am so very thankful that God had a good plan and protected me through them and for the people who He brought along at just the right time….to help me to see that I had hope and a future.
This is where I went to high school. Kenmore East. We had two high schools in the town of Tonawanda. One was Kenmore East and the other Kenmore West. They were rivals. Kenmore East was for grades 10 to 12 in those days and there were almost 3,000 kids attending. There were about 900 in my graduating class.
A different angle of Kenmore East.
But this was where my favorite growing up memories were made.
Grace Baptist Church
on Eggert Road in the Town of Tonawanda
It was actually right around the corner from Kenmore East. Anyway, I started attending there when I was in Second Grade. I honestly don’t know what would have happened to me if I had not had Grace Baptist. Really, anytime the church doors were open I was there.
Sunday School
Sunday morning Service
Pioneer Girls
Youth Choir
Youth Group
Wednesday night Prayer Service
and anything in between
If I could have moved my bed there, I would have. I loved being there and always felt safe.
Which brings me to a thought. I often think that people who teach Sunday School or work with kids at their church don’t understand the power of what they are doing. Many really have no clue what could possibly be going on in the life of a child. I am sure my church teachers had not one single clue what I was enduring at home, and how desperately I needed them and their encouragement.
{Yes this applies to those who work in the public/private school system as well. But for me, the schools I attended accomplished learning. The church accomplished ministry to my heart and so I specifically point out the church volunteers, because they are volunteer positions that hold incredible power. Thank you, also, to those in the school systems.}
Anyway, I am 51 years old. So imagine how much worse society is! Imagine how many more kids have struggles at home! Times have only gotten a bazillion times worse since I was a little girl and young adult!!
If you are a Sunday School teacher, or work with youth, or work with a kids program at your church {like Pioneer Clubs, Royal Rangers, Awana, etc} –
THANK YOU!
Thank you on behalf of the kids who are unable to tell you what’s really going on in their home.
Thank you from the ones who count on you for maybe the only kind word they will hear all week.
Thank you on behalf of the ones who are living with so many secrets and they are finally able to feel safe for a few minutes or hours….
Who count on you for a hug.
Who count on you for Godly wisdom.
Who count on you for adding some joy to their day.
Who count on you for a smile.
Who count on you to truly care about them.
Who count on you to pray for them.
Who are counting on you to be Jesus’ hands and feet and mouthpiece to them.
And thank you Jesus for all of the adults at Grace Baptist in Tonawanda who loved a desperately shy and severely abused little girl….without ever even knowing it….cause I couldn’t have made it without them…
Good post sis,
This stirs up too many memories for me too. Did you know I was going to Grace for probably six months or more before the family came there.
Just like you, any excuse was a good excuse not to go home.
Be safe, BB Dan
oh my! Glad you had your church growing up. Love the pictures. have a safe journey home.
Tears are rolling down my face right now! Thank you for this post it was exactly what I needed to hear today! 🙂 Thank you for allowing me to minister to you sweet babies! You are a blessing and your testimony will live on forever! Love you! Praying for a safe rest of your trip! I think I am going to print off this post and put it in my office if that is okay?? 🙂
Dear Sweet Linny
Your post here has touched my heart in so many ways. To hear what you had to go through yourself ~ such pain and suffering…to hear some of my own words echoed in yours..remembering my own neglect and lonliness, the joy I feel To SEE how God has HEALED you,and at the same time used your broken places to help you become a wonderful servant and lovely woman…You are a testimony to His LOVE, and to how obedience to God's will for our lives brings an abundance of blessings.
Today I am sending love and praises your way…for being a strong and beautiful woman…for your courage and your willingness to be vulnerable and so loving to all of us…Oh, I could go on, but won't 🙂
Sending gentle hugs across the country…and if you are near Iowa today….enjoy those hills and corn fields!!
Wow. When I read your dad's response to your visit without the other children, it pushed memories to the forefront of my mind that I had purposefully forgotten. My dad use to have the same basic reaction whenever I called or visited him from college. I went to school only 50 miles from home, but almost never saw my family. Vacations spent there were a nightmare. When I felt brave enough at school, I would call home to talk to mom. More often than not, my dad would answer the phone in manner that left me in tears and drove away all courage I had managed to drum-up.
Since then, my dad rededicated himself to God, but it was short-lived. During that time, he had become much gentler and slightly more loving. His guard is still very much up. But, at least I can call mom and dad now without that awful greeting…most times. I hope and pray he does not become again what he once was. And, I hope that someday you will get to hear your dad welcome you with open arms and open heart, even without your children around. For me, it was wonderful while it lasted. Well worth the wait.
Oh, Linny! What a sweet message of encouragement. How far you have come in your ability to not be the shy, lost little girl! You minister to so many and I am very thankful for your open heart – it helps me to re-think my not-always-so-open heart in new and wonderful ways! Many blessings on your trip, er…I mean journey home!
Debbie
Oh Linny
Our AWANA ministry went from 60 to 134 from last year to this year! It takes a day for me to recoop!
Your post has been a pat on my back from God as I try to teach my own tired children today.
I am going to send this out to our volunteers as the flood gates have opened for us to love on the Linnys of our community! So, thank you for sharing what God needed me to hear!
Thank you for sharing! I work with children at church and this was a wonderful encouragement and reminder that what I do each week holds real value!
So sweet Linny and I could tell it hurt to write just reading it. I'm giving you and your lovely others a big hug!
Love
The Funks
Linny, I wanted to tell you that I often saw my father in the place you are at with your father… trying to love someone that is unwilling to be loved (In fact, you're very similar).
I feel for Emma, it hurts to see your mother or father treated that way, I know! 🙁
You are good to love and honor him, over looking his hardness of heart. Hugs to you! Your are a daughter to be proud of and your Heavenly Father is beaming!
May God's grace abound all the more!
love this post about just as much as i do the kids 🙂 this past summer i have really been burdened for the kids in my hometown area. this described everything i've been feeling perfectly. love you guys! and wish you guys could've stopped in north carolina. 🙂
When I look at those pictures of my neighborhood (we are right off Decator) I smile and have warm feelings of home, and it completely breaks my heart that you don't have those same feelings. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts and feelings with us. Oh – and if I hadn't been working that day, you probably would have seen us, Liv and I are frequent visitors of the playground at Lincoln Park. Pretty sure her 3rd word was swing, followed closely by park.
Dear Sweet Bloggy Friend, I cried when I read your post sobbed at the library. I am praying for your Dad. Sending you some crazy love, Janet
Dear Sweet Bloggy Friend, I cried when I read your post sobbed at the library. I am praying for your Dad. Sending you some crazy love, Janet
I'm fairly new to your blog and I had no idea you had this past; what a testimony to God's grace. How amazing to see that God has delivered you from it and into the Spirit-filled woman you are today! Satan tried to rot your roots from the beginning but Praise the Lord He has provided the Root of Jesse from which you draw your strength! (Isaiah 11:10) Thank you so much for sharing so much of your life.
Revelation 22:16
"I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."
oh linny. i just love you and your heart. amazing that someone like you can come from a situation like that.
Wow, what an amazing post. I don't really have a good relationship with either of my parents. My grandmother still lives in the home I spent most of my childhood years in. It like your childhood home is overshadowed by pain instead of happy memories. I think it was good you went back, good you saw your father despite his hurtful words, and wonderful that you got to find you "patch of woods" that you were so fond of.
It was nice running into your blog today. I will try to visit again soon!
Miss Linn,
Thank you for posting this. Thank you for your testimony. I think of it often and think about it as we begin to equip train and pour into all of the leaders, teachers and helpers in our children's ministry. I am SO glad you found a safe place in your church. My goal is that the river church and riverKIDS ministry is that place for kids. And that they feel safe enough to talk about their pain with an adult that will not judge, will not fix, will not defend. An Godly person who will do what Jesus would do and just sit with kids in their tough times, pain and crisis. Then point them to their source. Point them to the one who will heal, point them directly to the one who created them for a plan and purpose that will create heaven on earth. Telling a child about Jesus is one thing… but showing them Jesus' unfailing grace saturated love is what we can do. I love you and I'm so thankful for you. The grace you have given me has impacted my life, my walk and my ability to experience Jesus in my own life. God bless you sweet friend. Praying for a safe trip back for you and your family! lv, jen
Ok Linny, you made me cry! Granted it doesnt take much these days but they have been hard at coming out most recently and they really really need to! You were thankful for your church as a child–I am thankful for my church NOW at 40 yrs old. Without my church 'family' the past 5 years, really the past 3 years would not have been good at all. God sent me to a friends house 5 years ago when I moved back to Ohio- a family I had not seen in over 15 yrs,but he sent me there and I believe it was to get me involved in my church now. They had switched to this church White Oak Christian Church in Ohio. I went and loved it, my kids loved it and we havent stopped since. I too try to get there any chance I get, it is my safe place, where I am calm, where I am at peace for just a few hours each week! He sent a very specific person to me in that church, someone who is his hands adn feet and mouthpiece specifically for me! I love him so much for that! Without Roni reaching out to me I shudder to think where I would be right now. She has been that candle that has been shining so I can see a glimpse of light in the dark and she came beside and walked beside and never gave up on me. She has helped me build my circle in the church and now I can say I have a very small circle of friends that I can trust–some more than others–none quite as much as Roni–For the first time in my life I was taken by the hand literally and we sat at the Jesus' feet and she prayed for me one night and I have never NEVER been the same! I am still not 'good' but I felt HIM sit with us and I learned that night that HE IS REAL and I felt love for the very first time that came from him through Roni.
So I am completely in love with my church, with my God and the church leaders within our church. Roni has had many adjustments in her 'role' in the church but she is the woman's minister and she has a heart for Jesus and just helping/serving and loving. I just realized I do not have a picture of my church and I really need to fix that! This weekend I will when we have our 'Get ur done' Day. The day when the congregation comes together to do 'work' in the building and outside. Just all the odd jobs that need done throughout the building and then we will gather and have a family fun day in the parking lot afterwards..serving, food, fellowship…I need it all so much and I am so thankful for WOCC!
lisa
My sentiment echoes many of those posted before me. I too didn't have a very loving childhood. We also lived in town, but there was a vacant lot behind our house and there was a cluster of trees that was my "woods." I loved to escape there. I also was a public school teacher for 30 years and knew many times that the school day was the only safe haven many of the children had. Thanks for reminding us that we are the hand, feet and heart of Christ and to reach out to someone today. Praying for your safe return home.
Thank you for sharing, and for your words of encouragement re: working with kids.
Prayers for a safe journey home. If you think of it, you can wave at me when you go through Kansas. (Toward the north sometime after you pass through Topeka!)
Tears rolling down my face. I am so sorry for the pain you had to go through growing up and now as an adult. You are such a strong woman it wows me everyday and to now know some of what you went through, God is stronger than any hurt. I also cried when you told how your family was your church. How they were the ones that took the hurt away, showed you unconditional love, gave you a sense of security. As a youth leader I need to keep that as the focus this year we may never know the impact we are having on the kids I know the impact they have had on me!! If you drive through central Illinois I truly would be honored to meet you sometime, the whole gang for that matter. I would love to pray with you I know it would be totally awesome. Your words move me to tears, laughter, and rejoicing each day! Have a wonderful safe trip home. You truly will never know the impact you have made in my life and others. God Bless You my Friend!!
Sweet Linny! You are very courageous to face people and places that have been so painful. Not sure how you can do it – much easier to simply stay away. I really admire your strength and your faithfulness (and your humor and joy, too!)
Thanks for sharing your heart! You are such a gift to so many. I do hope that your trip home is happy and safe!
All the best,
Nicole A. in OH (moving very soon though!)
I work in the children's ministry at our church, and we have many kids that ride the bus to church. You are right that sometimes it seems like we are not making a difference, and sometimes I have wondered if my time would be better spent serving God doing something else. But your post makes me want to run right over to church and give all those kids a hug right now. What a boost that was to keep going. Thank you for sharing your story!
Oh, dear sweet Linny! Praising God that you can love your dad like Jesus loves us. Knowing that it takes Jesus to do that. My mother's parents were very abusive to her, and she still carries the emotional scars.
Love you
Janet, Kevin, Ted, Philip, and Elijah
Tears for your hurt. Tears for the love that just won't come, from your own dad. I can't even imagine, Linny.
Along with the aching tears– tears of joy, for the Heavenly Father who never left your side, and as Jill (my sweet Spicer Family friend) said– did not allow your "roots to rot". Adopted by a Heavenly Father, Linny, the apple of His eye–sharing a family tree with the One who loves you more than you could ever imagine. The very One who brought you through the darkness, the very One who continues to shine His light into those hurting corners of your heart. The One who uses you over and over again to minister to other's hurting hearts, and to encourage weary souls–who are wondering if they are making a difference.
Thank you, Linny. Thank you for sharing yourself, that others might be comforted knowing they aren't alone. That others might be encouraged, knowing that what they do IS making an eternal difference.
I love you, my friend~
Tina
big ol' tears rolling down my cheeks. praise God for His protection over you & bringing your church and specific people in your life to comfort, love & protect you. [even if they didn't know it!]
thank you for the affirmation as a children's volunteer in many ways in the church. i love, love, love my time with those kids. thank you for reminding me just how big my time with them might be.
love ya, linny!
Linny- You found my blog via a review I did on FIAR. I started following you, and we have many things in common (although I have a few less kids, LOL). I'm from North Boston, NY (outside of Hamburg), and my mom grew up in Tonawanda :-).
I too had a biopsy probably very similar to yours, but by results were benign, and I was praying yours would be too.
Oh, and we could probably swap some "father" stories as well. Thank God our Heavenly Father is always there when our earthly ones are not.
I read some of your posts early in your trip and you eluded to where you were from, but I got busy getting us "back to homeschool" and just now am catching up. Funny that we're from "just down the road" from each other. I'm glad you made it home safely.