Recently something happened. I was not ready to talk about it at the time. It was so troubling to my soul and so maddening to my heart. But here we are a few weeks down the road and it is so much on my mind today that I just gotta get it out.
When we were away last month, Dw and I went to a coffee shop to work on our computers. The seats we had chosen were at a counter overlooking the busiest street that exists in the small town we were staying in.
We were working away on our computers when we noticed someone outside. You can’t help but look up. There she was just on the other side of the glass. Thin, dark hair, glasses, dark eyes.
Her body language was one of anxious, nervous, anticipation. Her eyes were darting back and forth looking about the street. She walked on the sidewalk in front of us to the corner of the store and peered around the corner. Back and forth. Each car that passed she craned her neck to see. She finally went into the bookstore’s door stoop and stood. It was kind of drizzling out.
Back and forth. Each car that came down the street, she would peer out from her perch to get a look. Clearly she was looking for someone. A promised ride perhaps? Soon an older woman came from across the street. The woman looked probably about 65. She looked like life had not been easy.
She yelled to the young woman. The young woman yelled back, “They’re not here yet.” We could hear through the glass as the woman asked why the younger woman wasn’t wearing a coat. She scolded her for not having one.
I sat completely taken in by the scene. I thought about the young woman. It was pretty obvious that she had some handicaps. Probably mentally challenged for starters. And she seemed so worried. She was so fragile. Bone thin. It made my heart ache. Why is it that some people have such a rough time? Her life looked painful.
We guessed that the older woman was her mom. Together they looked so sad. Pretty much outcasts by society, we thought. In no time a van pulled up and the young woman climbed in. The older woman disappeared. Dw and I said to each other, “She could be our Jubilee in a few years.”
The very next day I was down at the bookstore again. This time Emmy was with me. We had come in and a different woman was working behind the counter. She was a bit older than me. I ordered my Americano and chatted with her. Somehow she told me something about her family. I can’t really remember how, but she did. It wasn’t just a completely superficial, “here’s your coffee” kind of conversation. She seemed like a nice lady.
Anyway, Emma and I sat in the same seats Dw and I had been the day before. We got busy on the computers and a young girl, probably about 20 something came in and sat near us as well. I was working away, typing a blog post =) and so I wasn’t really paying close attention.
Suddenly though, the young handicapped woman from the day before burst through the door. She was excitedly telling the lady {who had gotten me the coffee} about being at camp. She was more than enthusiastic. She was showing her the shirt she had on. It was a camp shirt. She was over the moon about that shirt, that matched everyone else’s at camp.
The young woman continued, “And they even had tor-tee-lee-ahs {tortillas}!! Have you ever had one? They were so good. They take a flat ting and put stuff in it. Oh man. They were just so good. Have you had one? I mean, they were so good. I never had one before…..”
At this point I realized that the woman who had gotten me the coffee was not responding. At.All. There was not even a mumbled, “mmmm” or “niiiiice” or “they sound yummy” or “I’m so glad for you” or “yes I love them too!”….Nothing. Not one word.
So I turned kind of around to see where the woman who worked at the store and made the coffee exactly was cause I was wondering how she could not have managed to say one word since the young woman walked in.
And there she was. Sitting texting on her phone. Her phone raised in an awkward position, almost shoulder height. Clearly giving the look of “I’m busy. Do you see me? I am so important. I am texting. Do you see my phone raised up almost to my head? Leave me alone.”
I didn’t know what to do. I was actually dumbfounded. Emma looked at me and her eyes got wide. She was thinking what I was thinking. Like, “How in the world can you be so rude to this young woman?” I began to get frustrated.
But on a dime the young woman turned and left the store. It was as if she said, “No response? I’m not wanted. I’ll leave.”
Before I could say anything, the young 20+ something chick who was sitting near me said, “She’s so annoying.”
And do you know what that woman responded? Yeah. That woman. The one who had made the coffee and was so busy texting??
“Yeah. I know. I’m sorry she’s back!”
At this point I was incredulous!!
Emma and I looked at each other and our eyes were huge. And I’m certain that my clenched jaw was giving Emma the heads up that I was not going to be silent.
I sat and prayed though. I felt like if I had said anything that second, I might have not sounded like Jesus. {Except when He was throwing the money changers out of the temple, “You stinkin’ brood of vipers!” Okay, so He didn’t say “stinkin’ but He might have if it had been in the vernacular at the time!”}
But I had to say something. I prayed for grace and wisdom. I prayed for opportunity. How exactly to open up the dialog to this ignorant woman and the ignorant 20 something year old?
I had to get out of there. I was so upset. I was shaking as I started to pack up my computer. I thought about my Jubilee. My eyes started to smart and blink back the tears. Emma met my glance. She had tears as well.
Stupid people. Stupid snobby, ignorant people. I was so ticked.
I prayed some more for grace. Cause really, it wasn’t coming easily.
And then, with complete politeness, I turned and said, “That young woman who was just in here, she sure was excited.”
The bookstore clerk said, “Oh, she’s not really young. She’s 38. She’s one of the town’s “special” people” as she rolled her eyes and put her two fingers on each hand up to denote quotations around “special” meaning special in a sarcastic way, accompanied with her rolling eyes.
With grace that came out of nowhere {trust me, I wanted to spit}, I said slowly {for impact}, “She seems so sweet. And really, she could be your daughter. She could be my daughter. She could be you. She could be me.”
The woman turned and walked to the back of the store. She’d had enough of what I was saying. Never acknowledging at all what I had said.
In hind sight I wish I had said more. I wish I had defended the girl in front of her. I wish we didn’t live in a stupid world that rejects those who don’t look like “us” or act like “us” or seem to be annoying to the general population.
As I walked out of the store, I started to cry. My Jubilee. Clearly mentally handicapped. How will she be treated? Will someone, somewhere defend her should she find herself in that same situation?
Would you?
It seems to me to say nothing, gives my approval of their treatment of her. I had to say something. And what should I have said? Was it enough? {Cause it didn’t feel like it was.} What have you said when people have responded with ugliness to your kids or people around you who have special needs? Please share your thoughts….it will help us all….
I have recently fond your blog and have been reading daily.
I am about to adopt 2 babies with special needs: Spina Bifida and Cerebral Palsy.
It sickens me when people, (my own mother even), question why I would adopt them since they are "imperfect."
These are the same people who would recommend I abort them if I were carrying them in my womb.
It just sickens me.
I have no advice for you though. lol I just need to remember your prayer for Grace in my future, cause I am sure I will need to do that too.
Your Sister in Christ,
Tricia
I was just talking with my eleven year old son about peoples ignorance and disrespect for those that may be different. Something that God put on my heart is that we can't really change others but we can build our own kids up. If I have taught my kids that without a doubt they are loved by me and that they are one of God's special creations other peoples words have much less power over them. I think your precious Jubilee already knows just how loved she is by her family. That is what really matters. So maybe in those situations in the future instead of trying to change the ignorance of others just find a way to listen to the person who needs you the most. I think that is the way that I will try to stand up for those who much of our society looks down upon. Thank you for sharing these stories. It challenges me to really think about how I would respond and how would God want me to handle different situations.
This is my first time commenting but I have read your blog since the fire. I really love your blog. I hope in the next year or so, sooner maybe if God works in mighty ways to adopt a special needs orphan.
Cindy Agnew
Oh Linny. This is so sad and hard it aches. How to be Jesus in this situation? And like those in Jesus day, who did not want to hear his words of compassion…do we speak to plugged ears? I think Yes, I think Yes, we stand up for them anyway. I pray I would.
So sad. my little girls know nothing, yet of prejudice…I hae been afarid to even tell them something like that exists…not wanting them to start thinking their race or skin color is anything other than wonderful. They have not clue in some other person's eyes that different is less.
I remember in Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible Study, one lesson was on prejudice and judging others…and although she was talking about race, I applied it to everything that makes us seperate and set someone apart. And her words stuck with me, as followers of Jesus we have to stand up against it whereever it occurs. Thank you for this reminder.
just breaks my heart:O( our society is so self involved.
pray pray pray.
i hope sweet jubliee never encounters this.
Ugh. That makes me sick. And I don't think I would have handled it with the grace you did.
I think God gave you just the right words. Hopefully, those women will remember them the next time that sweet woman comes in.
I understand what you mean, to say nothing is akin to approving what is going on.
I think you did just exactly what you had to say, you defended the poor and needy by speaking to the ladies involved.
If it continues to bother you, why not, every time this thought of what happened comes into your mind, take it as a prayer for YHWH to bless the two ladies with understanding and mercy, so that they may learn and grow…
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. (Matt 5:44-48 )
Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy.(Psa 82:3).
I think you did justice in what you could, you spoke out. I don't know what more you can do about it. If it continues to bother you, ask Him for wisdom, to show you what you can do about it… you even made a blog post about it and helped us be more aware not to be silent when wrong happens, but to stand up for what is right. This will please our Master 🙂
YHWH bless you, Linny 🙂
Oh I am so sorry for that awful encounter and especially sorry that it caused you to worry about your own amazing daughter's future.
I believe that your response was exactly right. Kudos to you for holding it together enough to say something in a calm and clear manner!
She did not respond, but she heard your well chosen and honest words and a seed of reality may have landed in there somewhere. Bless you.
Honestly – I don't know. I love to think I'd say something. If not in front of her, then as soon as she left. Or maybe to her… maybe she acknowledging her FOR the rude people would make the girl feel loved. And it seems that's all she needed then.
I hope I speak up for them. It breaks my heart when people act that way. I am so sad for the girl who can't help but be who she is. And I'm so sad for our world that we can't see past that to the true heart of the person.
I pray that I can be so bold as to defend them and make sure they feel loved.
Hugs. I hate seeing people treated that way. I know that if you've never spent time with people that are different it makes you uncomfortable. But I'd rather feel uncomfortable than guilty.
Side note, I'm SOOO glad she had fun at camp! That is why we do what we do… Camps can be a safe place to just enjoy things like tortillas with out feeling rejected.
But, it makes me sad that anyone would have to live in a place where they have to hang on to the hope of going back to camp where they'll be treated in love and respect. 🙁 Praying for her now.
I have been in this situation and not stood up for people- often dumbfounded at others' attitudes. I am interested to see what everyone says should be done in those situations. When I see something like this, I try to talk to the person that is being shunned- or even just smile. If I can tell the other person is uninterested, I'll jump in the conversation…unfortunately there have been times where I haven't known what to say, so I will smile at the person. That will often bring them over to talk or at least just give them someone smiling at them when others are being rude.
oh my word…I am soo sorry you had to witness that. Sadly that is society these days. I hope and pray that Jubilee is treated with such dignity and love. That she would be SUPER excited about Tortillas (love that) and every other thing that is normally taken for granted. I think mentally handicapped people are unbelievably beautiful. They see the world with such freshness and vibrant curiosity. It is a joy….a real joy to be a part of that. You and dw are blessed to have Jubilee in your lives. She is going to open YOUR eyes to such beauty in the world. I just know it!!!!
That was hard to read. There's another community in Colorado, I won't say where, that has a very well known mentally disabled man who frequents downtown businesses. I met him once at a coffee shop, and he seemed harmless enough. During my next visit to the town, my friend who lives there told me he had been asked to not frequent the shop anymore because he was hugging customers (total stangers) and making them uncomfortable. I still don't know how I feel about that.
Dear Linny,
It both saddens me but also angers me to hear about people treating others like this. I'm currently in the process of moving to the Philippines to work in a special needs orphanage, and any time I think of anyone thinking of our precious kids as less, it kills me. There are indeed many very ignorant people in our world that think because someone is not like them that they are worth less, but they don't realize that we were all created by our Perfect Creator who MAKES NO MISTAKES!!! None of us are perfect, but we were all INTENTIONALLY MADE BY A PERFECT LOVING AND FAITHFUL GOD!
I pray for you and myself to have grace and wisdom as there will unfortunately no doubt be a next time like this.
Blessings,
Brittany
That is very sad. I would have been tempted to respond to the young woman while she was in there so she didn't feel snubbed.
I definitely would have said something to the shop owners, too. I like the one comment left about praying for them.
It could definitely one day be her child, and then I hope she finds the right path in raising the child. Our own daughter was born "normal" but suffered a rare brain disease that showed up when she was 2.5. She has had the right half of her brain disconnected, and nothing stops her. She does receive help for reading now, but everything else is okay. I worry about new people meeting her and what they say. It really is the random people not in her daily life that say the stupidest things. Thankfully our daughter is learning to defend herself. Linny, one day you may find yourself actually saying what you're thinking to someone about this very situation. It took me two years before I confronted someone. It takes time to figure out how to do it. I have my tactful moments, and then I have my raving lunatic moments. It takes a combination of courage and anger, but one day it will probably happen. As a teacher, I frequently tell my colleagues that they have no idea what it is to parent a child who is obviously different. We face so many hurdles in so many unexpected places.
I personally would say something to the manager, because only then can you truly examine if you will want to continue to patronize that store (might be hard if its the only coffeeshop). I tend to be rebellious, so I would probably organize a "special needs" sit in and bring it right to the store. I'm glad you're praying on this…. I know I pray for patience with others, and tolerance in myself with those sorts of people. It's an ongoing prayer for myself, I think I'm too sarcastic for that particular prayer to be granted at the moment because my "momma bear" comes out very quickly now.
This makes me so sad, and at the same time so MAD! I have a child with special needs only his handicap cant be seen. He has a mental illness. He gets treated differently all the time once people find out. People treat him like hes some how less of a person than they are.
I had an experiance last school year (my first semester in college) with another student that had gone to the same high school as my son. We had a class together and she sat next to me. We still had a few min. before class was to start so I jumped on facebook to check on my son, who was also in his first year of college but in another town. She saw my sons name a picture and made a comment something to the effect of that kids such an idiet how do you know him and why are you talking to him? (keep in mind my son and I have different last names) I let her know real fast that I would much rather talk to him than have to spend a second longer than I had to with someone as rude as her! I left it at that until after class and she started asking around about what grades people had made on a test we had recently taken. She seemd kind of upset that I had gotten a better grade than her so I told her maybe if she would worry about studying and doing homework instead of making fun of my son she might do better in school.
Linn,
Sometimes less is better and what you said was perfect. If you had said more, perhaps she would not have remembered the words, but what you said was short and direct!!!
I hope others will stand up for my Gracie too! I hope that others will not see her as annoying. I hope they see Jesus in her!!
My first thought was snippy: Yes, she is special. You, not so much.
My second thought was strategic: You and Dw need to adopt a child with Down syndrome (that's sorta my answer to everything–I'd hate to think you were missing out on that blessing–LOL) and parade that child around so that she'd see you with an obviously special child and might learn a thing or two. (I'm not completely clear whether or nor Jubilee could accomplish that strategy on her own!) I'm blaming this response on bizarre menopausal hormones and an extreme desire to adopt another little girl with Ds myself.
My third thought was full of pity: How sad that she has internalized the prevalent worldview that people are only worthwhile if they are 'normal'! She is robbing herself of such beauty and grace.
My fourth thought was full of mercy: Do the young woman and her mom need some practical help? Food? A winter coat? Could those things be collected and brought to the store until they show up again? I know that's not terribly practical but was just thinking that beyond respect and dignity from a shop clerk they may also need help. Plus, it wouldn't be such a bad witness.
Fifth (and really first): You just keep blogging. You never know who you will touch with your big heart. You never know who will be inspired to teach their child to embrace those who are different! It doesn't help the immediate situation but it may help a different young person with challenges.
Well, this is what you get when I have 6 large onions to chop for dinner…too much time to think of silly and impractical ideas. I don't know what I would have said to her, but I do imagine I would have tried to interject myself into the conversation and talked to her about her tortillas and the wonderful day at camp. Just to show that it could be done and wouldn't hurt a soul but could help save one.
Linny,
I hate that part of the world. My kids right now just get pity. I hate it. I know they are delayed but they are so wonderful and my life is so full having them and all their special qualities. We are in the process of adopting again. I keep getting asked "Is there anything wrong with this one?" I hate that question because it is to say there is something wrong with my babies. Our new joy is going to be 8 on Monday. I know the responses are going to get worse with 2 6 year olds and an 8 year old.
I have so much pity for the people that don't see the gifts. I'm so glad my older son will be a much better person since he has such special siblings. They have changed our world.
The only thing I can think of to have done was to get up and talk to the girl yourself about her tortillas. Its always great to make a new friend.
I work with mentally and physically handicapped students everyday and I am constantly amazed at the unwillingness of some people to accept people that are different. What I am learning is that God has given "special" people an amazing love that isn't quenched (yes, hurt of course) but can't be quenched by "unspecial" people.
Maybe if we all would take the time to respond like you did, fewer people would be so rude and hurtful.
Your prayers for the right words to say, gave you just that…I'm sure both women had much to think of afterwards. Long ago I participated in a study on a book by Florence Litthauer (?) that focused on the words we speak. Are they a gift to others? (Uplifting, encouraging, strengthening, loving, etc.) Often I have to ask my little darlings if the words I hear them speak to each other are gifts…kind, helpful,loving. What a world it would be if everyone gave those kinds of gifts.
Karen H.
Well you know my Emmie!!! and I know my tongue. You were eloquent. I would not have been. I'm too impulsive and most likely would have prayed after and not before I opened my mouth. Thanks for speaking.
Because when you defend one you defend all of our special children.
Love you!!!
When are we fasting again?????
I would say something Linny, But you would just remind me that I was on a testosterone train again….
But really there are some reasons that people should be slapped.
O.K!!!! O.K.!!! Lord I apologize….
*I think*
I think you handled it well. I was always a person who didn't speak up at all. I was too shy and didn't want to make someone feel uncomfortable. This last year I lost my husband and have spent the last year re-examining myself, who I am in the world now that he is gone and my relationship to others. My priorities haven't changed but they've become much more clear in a way that they have never been before. I have found out that I am the only one who is going to stick up for my family. I think in this situation, it is perfectly ok to speak up for this girl, for your daughter and for yourself. If you don't, who will? Sometimes people don't even think that such concepts are unacceptable to others, unless someone speaks up for those who can't or won't speak for themselves. I have had a few occasions this last year where I've had to speak up and say "you know what? that's not right. It's unprofessional and its unacceptable and I prefer that you not do it again in my prescence." It can be said in a polite way while still letting people know that they have crossed a boundary that doesn't need to be crossed. It might not change their opinions but it does make you feel good in the long run that you did it. 😀
Growing up with a brother who had limb differences in his hands and feet, I saw my fair share of rude comments. It was tough as a young child to know what to say. I do know that I still remember those comments and that I have not been able to forgive as I should have. I think you have taken a step, a very important step and you will be ready the next time. However, I am not certain anything would have made a difference to those women. I think the suggestion to talk to the "special" beautiful woman might show them what compassion looks like!
Oh girlie.
It's not the Jesus in me getting mad, it's the Rachel.
Cuz I AM that different kid. The one who uses sign language and might sound kind of funny and who people assume they can say whatever they want around.
It cuts, it really does. And when you love someone that isn't the worldly "norm" (whatever that is), it hurts to see them treated as less than.
I'm not sorry you saw and heard that. I'm not sorry you said something. I am praying that those words are seeds. Whether you saw her respond right then or not… I'm praying that she allows those seeds to root and finds compassion blooming.
(Sounds nice, but really I would just love a Come To Jesus Meeting with her… can't say I'd be real prayerful right at that moment, eek)
So we do the strongest thing we can – we PRAY to a God who can change hearts.
My mother (God love her) would approach people who were saying mean things about me and brightly ask them if they knew any sign language – or if they knew how funny it sounded to try to hear underwater. Trying to engage them into realizing there was a person underneath the disability.
You have a gift of compassion – and that hurts a lot when you see others showing the opposite. God bless you for opening your mouth gracefully. And praying for continued opportunities for you to let the world love every one of your kids.
(That big one, Whitey, too 🙂
Oh that makes me so mad! How can people be so inconsiderate?! My heart is breaking 🙁
OHHH OHHH OHHHH
God knew to send you there, to give you a glimpse, Linny, He knew you and Emma could handle it; He knew that you would pray and maybe most would have looked away. There is a reason you go to that same spot and that she would be back. Linny what an honor. What an absolute glimpse into the Fathers heart.
I too would have said something, probably not as nicely as you, and probably without as much grace, because I am not so slow to speak…. I well get a little ahead of myself.
No advice…but I am thankful. Thankful you shared, so we can all be more aware, thankful for Jubliee for teaching us to slow down, for the young lady who was excited about tshirts and tortillas….and thankful we serve a loving, kind and compassionate Savior who teaches us so we can be different and have an affect next time around
Oh, Linny. I so know how you feel. My husband and I both have lived a life of rejection from society. He because he is hearing impaired and me because I am 4'7" I too am so heart sickened by the way people treat us and when I see them being hateful to mentally handicapped people. I taught school for thirty years and my mentally challenged students were always the sweetest kids. We just found out that our unborn niece has a good chance of being Down Syndrone. I too want to spit out some kind or sarcastic remark but usually don't. I just smile and say something nice to them or comment on their ignorance. It is a sick society we live in, but thanfully we have a Savior that loves us all, especially the children and those that come to him as children. So sorry you had to experience but I think your answer was appropriate.
Linny I spent several years working with people with disabilities. We helped them in all aspects in life and when I was in the general public with them, I felt the best thing was to treat them like I treated anyone else, hoping my actions would make an impact to those around us. I think what you said was appropriate. It is unfortunate that those ladies did not "get it". They are obviously living in a life that is black and white; missing out on the colorful rainbow they could be experiencing.
Regardless of ability, I think we all have someone in our lives that drives us nuts…but we find a more polite way to end a conversation than holding up a cell phone to text. That's just plain rude. I were in your situation I would've skipped the prayer and told the clerk off. BUT that's just me 🙂
If I have a chance, I try to be the one to respond to someone who has down's syndrome or is otherwise "special" in God's eyes too. We all have our challenges, its too bad that some have to live theirs so publicly. But there were two challenges there – the young woman's so excited about the tortillas, and her mothers- I am sure her heart both breaks and is so proud of her daughter, but also the challenge of the abled barrista who has disdain for those who are not blessed in the same way she is. Her's seems the greater challenge – its hard to grow a heart, a feeling for others.
You did good !! Some people would not have said anything.
Our son Juan Pablo was burnt as a baby. He is now 7 and has burns on his face. The question I hate more than anything "What happened to your face?" I hate the hurt I see in my son when these questions are asked. Since our son has only been with us since Dec, God has been teaching me how to respond. At first, I would get defensive and say "thats not nice to ask" or "That hurts his feelings". Then after being convicted of my response. I asked Jesus to teach me how he would respond. I now say "He was burned as a baby, but loves to play and would love to play with you and be your friend." This usually satisfies a child. When it is an adult who asks what has happened and my son is present, I respond with an off the wall answer like "He is from Guatemala or He speaks both English and Spanish" it really confuses people and my husband and I think it is funny. I don't mind adults asking and I love to share our story, just not at the expense of hurting my son's feelings. My prayer now is for him to one day have the confidence to share his own testimony with others.
Had almost the identical thing happen. I have a special needs daughter who is mentally challenged along with numerous other problems. My comment to the person was–I have a daughter that is one of those "SPECIAL" people and you are so right, she is very special to our family and to most people that take the time to know her. Maybe you would be wise to get to know that very "special" person. Then I walked out hoping that my comment might have stung just a little bit.
Well, Linny, i think you said exactly what you needed to say…anymore than that and it's "pearls before swine", they would not have received it. If you feel so led, ask the Lord for a divine appt. the next time you are in town there….that the "special" girl would just happen by the coffehouse as you…go in and without saying anything directly to the insensitive ones, just really show them how to interact & treat these beautiful special people with love, kindness, interest, respect & the love of Jesus! oh my…the righteous indignation is rising! We will be praying for these coffeehouse women to be shown some loving manners & sensitivity! Watch what the Lord is going to do, in love!!!
i'm always in awe over how the Lord uses you in such awesome, loving ways! So exciting!
And i have to say…Jubilee…she has blossomed and grown and filled out and has the radiance of one who is deeply loved and knows it! Oh the love that shines from her face!!! Look at those tan arms and sun kissed face…and all the love her forever family pours in and upon her! i tear up just looking at her sweet face! oh how you have brought love and life to this sweet one…and all your beautiful babies! Family the way God fully intended it to be! Amazing! thank you for sharing all that you do with all of us! We grow right along with you in your experiences! Praying for you and your family (& all involved in this situation). love you!
The only situation that I can think of that was really recent was with my own son. My son has syndactyl fingers on one of his hands. We were at a school event and a little boy that was there asked me what happened to his fingers and why they were like that. I told him that he was just born that way. The little boy kept looking at his mom and saying over and over again "Thats creepy..thats just really creepy." I took into consideration that this was just a little boy, but seeing the look on my sons face made my heart hurt for him. I wanted to bolt out of that gym so fast just to keep him from hurting. I just kept thinking "Boy some duct tape sure would come in handy about now." I didnt say anything because I felt that it would just make the situation worse.
I think the way you handled that situation was the right thing to do. I think things could have possibly escalated if the young woman had still been there and maybe something even more harsh would have been said to her by the girls at the store. I also know that the Lord witnessed the whole thing and He will see that there is justice.
I really dont understand that kind of ignorance though. It is hard for me to wrap my mind around someone being that heartless to another human being.
I think your response was fine. I have six children all adopted and my oldest is mentally challenged. We were at a carnival this summer and all my children ran to get on a ride. There were too many people in one seat so they asked if one or two would move. My oldest son stood up to move and the carnival employee said come here…this way…no that way. My son was confused and wasn't sure which way to go. After he was finally seated on the ride…the carnival employee said to the other employee…RE-TARD!!!! After the ride stopped my other five children came up to me and said…"did you hear what that man said?" I approached the carnival employee and said, "What you just said was "unacceptable"!!!! "My son "is" mentally challenged!" The employee who had made the comment just mumbled something and the other employee apologized over and over. He said that he would have the the employee who had made the comment apologize to my son. I told him that I appreciated that but one of the blessings of my son's disability is…most of the time he doesn't understand that people are being mean to him. He is a very gentle soul. There are times that I speak up and there are times, when I would have to explain to my child what someone just said about him…that I simply let it go. My child is 21 but looks about 15-16. We live in such a fast pace society that those who move slower, for whatever reason, are considered a waste of time. Hopefully how we live our lives…speaks volumes to those around us. Some will "get it" and others won't.
Longtime lurker, coming out of the cold to comment on this very powerful post. So glad that you said something, that you made yourself vulnerable to speak up for the vulnerable. It is heart breaking when you see such closed, defensive and wrong-hearted thinking. Since I was 14 I have volunteered at a group for adults and children with learning disabilities. Twenty years on and still part of that community I consider myself very privileged to have many friends with learning disabilities. I try to take the fear (and I think other posters are right, a lot of ignorance is fear of the unknown) out of people's reactions to people with learning disabilities by talking, laughing, loving, being with my friends with learning disabilities. But it is also so important to do what you did. To put yourself on the line. I don't always manage it with such grace as you did, sometimes I get too angry, and that's not helpful because it forces the other person further into a corner of defensiveness. But as well as the personal I have gotten involved in some advocacy work for people with learning disabilities – training health workers and social workers to really engage with the person with learning disabilities, to listen to their voice, even when they appear voiceless.
Jubilee has such wonderful advocates in you and your husband, but especially in your children. I think bringing children up to know and love people with different gifts and talents, including those with learning disabilities is so important. The heart is so flexible and open when they are young.
I hope in the future to open up our home as a place of respite for children with learning disabilities whose families are struggling. Your blog post helps me to keep focused on that goal.
Blessings to you and your family.
Help – The background on your blog made it impossible for me to read the story! Can you change it? I only read the first half until the blog completely loaded and then the wallpaper background made the words bleed into the background. Bummer!
God gave you Elizabeth to help watch over Jubilee. I've thought this from the day Jubilee came home. Elizabeth – your surprise baby. She is a champion. She has instinctively taken care of Jubilee from the day she arrived. There was a reason why your surprise Elizabeth came home before Jubilee – so that she would be prepared for J's arrival. She will always take care of her.
Elizabeth J (love my namesake!)
I really think that sometimes people are just very ignorant to the fact that "special" people have feelings too. And I mean that in the most sincere way, they honestly never thought about special needs people having feelings because they do not personally know any. I bet that just because you said something to her, Linny, she will think again before dismissing that girl again. Sometimes people just don't THINK before they speak. I think you handled it wonderfully 🙂 God put those words on your heart. That woman probably is not really a mean person, just an ignorant one who is now a little more informed! I hope that makes sense… its kind of like how I never gave a second thought to rude comments about adopted children until I was in the process of adopting. I was just ignorant about it all BUT no more!
Geesh! I think about this often considering my husband's job and the fact that when my son was little he was afraid of some of the folks he works with. We have had many conversations with our kids and have pointed out that being "special needed" (as my daughter says) is the way God made some folks and they need special attention. They know that a SN friend is not going to betray you or be mean to you. They are the best friends and they like to do the same things you do. They are full of joy and it takes alot to make them mad! Who can ask for a better friend!
I talk to preschoolers about this too. What everyone needs is a class! Seriously. Isaac's school had an assembly about the girl who was killed at Columbine just the other day. They talked about bullying and being a friend. Why can't we have a program like that for SN. It needs to be in 5th or 6th grade or so. In the elementary school where my kids went it was a magnet school for SN kids in the district so it was normal for each classroom to have at least one kid with an one on one aide. It was a real blessing to see no one even raise an eyebrow when someone had trouble staying in their seat!!
Seriously, It may be too late for the coffee girls but considering the impact the bullying assembly had on my sweet sensitive son what kind of impact could we have if we had assemblys across the country?! I'm up for it! Just let me know!
Also, I wll be praying that you have an opportunity to run into the SN woman and speak love and blessings into her life!! Sheri
i'm having a hard time responding to this b/c my eyes are flooded. i'm glad you said something and that you were able to pray before you said it. i know i wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue. i would have lashed out. i grew up with the most wonderful, smiley, loving little sister. who just happened to also have cerebral palsy and brain damage. it used to make me furious when i was younger and people would stare or whisper or comment. even at a young age i felt the need to say something, at least make them think or put them in their place. arrgh. these folks are "special". they are "special" gifts from God b/c they can teach intense compassion, empathy, unconditional love and many other things that any "average" person SHOULD learn. my sister was only on this earth for 12 years. she is now dancing and singing with our awesome Savior, but she left a lasting impression on my heart and spirit.
Linny – I am so sorry. Your story has touched me and made me think. Thanks for your vulnerability. It changes hearts.
I would hope that if I were in that situation I would defend her too. I can't know for sure though, I am awfully meek and quiet.
But after hearing your story I feel more empowered and I feel like if I hadn't stood up for her before I would now.
Thanks. One day… I am going to be more like you.
I'm not sure what I would have said…but something would have been said. This is something for me to 'chew' on, as our little guy from China could have some issues in this area. Maybe not so apparent, but something.
I don't have a 'good' answer when people question our decision to adopt sn kiddos. I have found salvation makes a huge difference. People who are saved, are sympathetic and have excuses, sometimes being convicted. The unsaved…well it seems it's impossible for them to understand as they are still in the dark.
What I usually tell people is that he's perfect for our family, and was chosen just for us. Most will end their questions there. However there are some who really do care and want to know. Then we spend the time. Who knows, maybe the Lord had us placed right there to minister to their hearts on adoption?
well Linny, it's easy for us all sitting in our comfy chairs typing out our thoughts to say what we THINK we would have said. It's really impossible to know until we ourselves are IN the situation.
I think praying for wisdom will never steer you wrong!
I think I might have just stepped into the conversation and asked that young lady how many tortillas she got to eat, you know that sort of thing…my idea being to show her that people did care and to show the workers that they were totally being rude.
I would like to think I might have dropped a comment on my way out how amazing it is that ALL people were created in the very image of God and sometimes it's the people who seem to be the "broken" people in society who possess the most compassion and kindness.
Thanks for sharing this. We need to speak out for those who have no voice for themselves.
love,
Holly
You said what God put in your heart. And I can't help but think that your response was such a fabulous example to your daughter.
This type of situation is when I talk to my kids about the difference Jesus makes in their hearts, and this this is the face of a person who has no compassion. And we pray for the people who are so unkind or uncaring. That they would meet Christ, be transformed.
That is horrible! That could be our son in the future as well. My heart breaks and I am reminded to pray for compassion and acceptance for everyone of each other. This is a big issue that our HUGE God is going to take care of. I'm glad you spoke up!
Linny, your words, and the actions of those people, broke my heart. I don't know if I would have said something to them, but instead, I would have encouraged the sweet lady who was so excited.
I don't always get things right. I probably fail more than I succeed, but He loves me anyway. One day, I was eating at a Taco Bell, and I'm a people-watcher like you. I saw an older gentleman come in, with his hair all askew, needing a shave, and probably a change of clothes. I watched him because of the looks on the faces behind the counter. They were staring at him with derision. He got in line and when he got to the register, he asked for a cup of water. It was probably 98 outside, a hot summer day. The girl sighed, got the water, slammed it down on the counter and turned her back. I watched as he hung his head, picked up the water and sat down. Like you, my eyes brimmed, and my heart hurt. I prayed for him, and the HS told me what to do. I got up to leave, walked over and said, "Sir?" He looked up with sad eyes, and I said, "Jesus loves you very much, and He wants you to have something to eat." I laid $5 down, and walked outside before I could bawl. I looked up, as I backed away, and he was in line buying something to eat. I will never forget that moment, because it changed my heart.
I pray those women have their hearts changed too.
Right after I slugged her, I hope I would have had the sense to say what you said. Or, maybe that's just my flesh talking.
UGH! Hate that.
You handled it with grace. I'm not sure I would have stayed as calm, praying first is a must! It doesn't sound like those two young women had hearts that were open to receiving much instruction at the time but maybe those seeds will stick with them and they will understand one day. It's hard for me to believe that they can be so cold. I'm sending up a prayer for that woman.
Unfortunately, my eldest daughter is one of "those" people who are rude to people with differences – her background in her institution taught her no other way…we are trying hard to change this, but I pray He will change her heart someday because it hurts me to see her hurt others. However, people in public places stare rudely at her also(lip/nose issues due to cleft). I never would have guessed her differences would be a big enough deal to warrent the number of stars she gets. I think He is using all these situations to prepare me for what is to come in the near future…a young son with DS and a young son with very noticable CP. I know there will be tough, hurtful situations that our entire family will be faced with how to handle. I WISH there was one easy answer to "dealing" with each situation. However, I hope we can continue to do what we have done- what you did- to prayerfully go into each "battle". You went in asking for grace- and what came out was a calm response despite your anger brewing inside. You responded with control. The woman walked away without responding; but she might have been burning with embarressment and might never do it again. Or she might be cussing you out right now 🙂 However, He certainly knows her heart and will deal with her reaction to this accordingly. I may be naive in this, but it seems to me you did what HE wanted you do as you went into it prayerfully.
Blessings, Jennifer
That is so terrible. I am the mother of a developmentally delayed child adopted from the Philippines. I don't think I would have prayed for grace the way you did. I would have gone into my "money changer" routine LOL! It is very important to me that people know that my daughter, though she may act differently than others her age (she's 8 but at the developmental level of a 2 year old), is person, just like they are. A person with likes and dislikes, fears, passions, feelings. She wants to learn, wants to be like others, wants to be included. Our church is starting a special needs ministry, though we are a small congregation. Jonalyn has a "buddy" in Sunday school each week – a high school kid who comes into her class and helps her with the lesson, the craft, the snack. The kids all benefit so much and have been taught compassion. It's wonderful to see them blossom while they care for my daughter. She now runs up to them and hugs them when she sees them. They hug her back! Slowly, one person at a time, I'm teaching the next generation that each and every one of us is made in God's image and is precious and worthy in their own right.
I'm praying that since the words you spoke were directly from God, that they will have a lasting impact. What an awesome example you are to Emma, your family and us!
I was in a coffee shop one day where a dad was seated with his happy squealing baby. Two little old ladies were rolling their eyes and verbally talking about how rididulous this man was even upset that he was laughing along. I was so disgusted, and, unlike you, just angrily said "It's a BABY!" (They left the coffee shop as the baby was apparently too much for them.) Another time an older lady and middle-aged man who likely didn't have children started talking across a fountain about how children in my generation were irresponsible parents(because I let my kids "play" around an outdoor fountain—in yuppie-ville, mind you). I also spoke up for myself, perhaps not as graciously as I should. If anything, maybe this girl will think twice the next time she comments, especially if she knows others disagree. Well Done!
This post means a lot to me as we learn more about our sweet Emma. As we talked to one of our older kids they used the term "special" but is was said kindly. This was not what we anticipated but yet it is what we are blessed with.
Honestly, I feel like I am learning so much and God is right there with me, with us holding our hands.
I am sorry for the World's reaction. Your sadness is so justified- how ignorant and unkind people can be…
I think you did a great job. They will think about the words you said and hopefully they will sink in… maybe someday they will have a special child and then they will understand…
As time goes on God will put just the right words in your mouth! When he does will you let me know!!
Of course I would have said something.. I have before too. I never even think about it, it just comes out. I try also to say it in front of the person if I can. Luckily where I live it doesn't happen too often. But even oncce is too much!!
oh, linny. yes, i would've said something. i think it would've been a lot like yours. i shiver and shake when i'm so angry/hurt, but i would've said it shaking and all. you did great. and i guarantee that woman and that young lady have thought about it since. i just know it.
and for the record…i love your jubilee. i love your emma. man, i just love your family! =)
I think you did a wonderful job, Linny. I am sure that the lady walked away, and thought some more about what you said. You were graceful, but didn't let the opportunity pass.
My older brother has severe CP, and so growing up, my siblings and I were always standing up for the kids who were picked on. I think that, more than ever, kids these days are very insensitive. TV, movies, media, social networks are causing more and more desensitization to the feelings and value in people who aren't exactly like you.
We have an adopted son who has CP. He had been in a Christian school for 1st and 2nd grade, then homeschooled for 3rd. This boy MISSED school. Missed interacting with friends. This year, for 4th grade, he is in the public school, and faces teasing and ridicule. Still, though, he wants to go. He prays for the other kiddos, and God has broken some walls with some of the tough kids.
It's just not FAIR, that the sweetest and kindest often have to suffer from the evils of this world.
one time. i hit this guy. oh, dont publish this. just hit him in the arm. he was doing my adoption physical and ask me why i wanted to adopt grace (with cp) of my body seemed perfectly capable of producing "my own" (yea, that's what got me) child. so i hit him in the arm and walked out of the hospital and told the lady in court that i didn't have a physical because their appointed physician was too rude. she granted me guardianship anyway.
i promise there are other times that i have beenmore eloquent, they just aren't as funny. times when i have prayed first and the Lord has put words in my mouth that I DID NOT come up with by myself. sometimes people listen, and i get to witness a change. sometimes, people walk away. a friend once told me that i should feel sorry for these people instead of angry at them. "what if you had to wake up every morning and be that mean" he said. he was right. i pray for them. oh linny, i pray for them so hard. because they are MISSING the blessing of having people like grace and jubilee in their lives. people who fight so hard and are so full of joy and unconditional love, people who are held so close to the heart of our savior.
praying for you today sister. an extra does of strength and grace and the knowledge that you are blessed beyond measure!
My words would not have been too Christ-like. If there is one thing I detest, it's people making fun of those with disabilities, whether they are making fun of kids or adults. It makes my blood boil. It's happened to us many times with our M. Oh how those making fun of them miss out on so much not knowing them. Hugs