I have had such a wonderful time receiving questions for the Question and Answer series. Who knew so many of you had so many questions? {Besides the Lord!}
First off though, I am not an expert. I am merely sharing my thoughts on any given topic. With that being said, I think I am going to have to divide some of these up, because some topics had a billion questions….
So let’s dive in to one of my most favorite topics ever:
Adoption
I decided to leave the questions exactly as people asked them {most of the time}….so here goes and in no particular order:
Have you ever considered or been involved with foster care/adoption?
We actually have been foster parents twice. Once, long before we even went into ministry, when Autumn was about a year old. As the Lord would have it, we were thrust into it! A woman came with a friend to Dw’s law office seeking help. He answered her legal questions {which had nothing to do with her children}. A couple of months later she got wind that DSS was coming to take her kids away. Although he had only met her during that one office consultation she called to see if we would be willing to take her little boy? We drove in the dead of night into downtown Buffalo to pick up a very scared little two year old who had never seen us before. DSS quickly approved us {we had already adopted Tyler and Autumn} and this little guy was with us for a season. When I talk of him, I cannot hold back the tears. We would have kept him, but the Lord had other plans. We were obedient. I pray for him when he comes to mind. He would be 24 now.
Then when Liberty was a baby we fostered a 14 year old girl for a year. It was one of the hardest years of my/our family’s life. We had hoped to adopt her as well.
Would you recommend it?
Absolutely! I would definitely recommend foster care and foster to adopt! Listen, kids need a stable family who loves the Lord. God desires us to meet the needs, period. Domestic, Foster care, International, it is all in the “obedient” category. Scripture is clear…we are all supposed to do something. Some will foster, some will adopt, some will foster/adopt, some will adopt internationally, some will help others doing it, some will provide respite care….I just have a hard time, after reading scripture to see that there is much opting out with the orphan. It’s about a lifestyle of obedience and action, and yes, sometimes it can be downright painful.
Your feeling on open adoption and domestic adoption where bio families often change there mind.
We had an adoption where the bio mom changed her mind at the last minute. It was extremely painful but God works in our hearts in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in. There is no where in scripture that our lives are our own, nor is there anywhere that our lives are supposed to be comfortable. It’s all about obedience. If a bio mom changes her mind, He will comfort and He will provide for every single need one has. It could even be to support the bio mom in her new decision. Obedience, obedience, obedience.
Do you think it’s wise to take out a loan for the purpose of adoption?
The loaded question.
Well, remember these are my thoughts…but I really have a difficult time thinking of a loan when we have a God who calls us to care and love the orphan…why would He not provide for us to do that? I sometimes think people panic and take a loan, when trust says, “I will wait on YOU Lord.”
Remember in the Old Testament the Israelites would come to know a different character of the nature of God and thus call Him a new name like: Jehovah Jirah {God as provider}….well many years ago God became known to Dw and I as ‘Jehovah of the Last Second’. He seems to love to show us His mighty power at the very, very, very Last Second. Dw and I would shake our heads sometimes in disbelief how He just seemed to love to do whatever we needed at the very last second.
And then, when we were bringing the babies home from Africa we found ourselves in a waiting situation regarding flights for Dw to get to Uganda to sign one paper {as we waited for Elizabeth and Elijah’s VISAs} and the Last Second had run out…and suddenly He showed up….so now we call Him – Jehovah of Over Time…cause when we think the Last Second has passed, He shows up in Over Time. But God is never, ever, late. We just think it’s ‘time’ and He says, “not yet”….and shows up at the “Last Second” or as we have seen, in “Over Time”.
On the same token, I have seen adoptions {as well as other things} provided for as we wait and trust. Face it, applying for a loan has to be done quite a bit before the adoption is complete…could it be that His Last Second or Over Time provision never came because a loan was thought the only option? My heart has no intention of stepping on toes, but if we take a loan is it possible that we are saying, “I don’t really trust you this time.” And God steps back and says, “Okay, I had it covered, but since you stepped in and took care of it, I’ll step back.” Maybe.
We are called to stewardship and I do believe that God’s word is clear about one other somewhat touchy topic: tithing. It is the only challenge He lays down in scripture. And listen, I have heard it over and over and over from people: “We can’t afford to tithe.” To which I reply: “Dudes and dudettes: You cannot afford NOT to tithe.”
I started tithing as a young girl. When we were married it was the ‘law’ from day one. We never missed a tithe {and we gave away to needs on top of our tithe}. Not even once did we miss a tithe.
Dw was in law school, and amazingly we never ever took a loan. We started a law practice on our own, and not once did we take a loan {and all the “Start Your Own Law Practice” books said it couldn’t be done}. Eleven years later we packed up a successful law practice and went to seminary. We did not take a loan to live. We trusted Him and He provided miraculously. We planted a church many years ago without a promise of a drop of income. He provided over and over without a loan. We now live by faith alone as missionaries to the orphan. He will always provide. Can you seriously imagine a loving father who would require one thing: obedience in all things….who would say, “Yeah, I know you obeyed me, but you wanna’ see how mean I can be? I am so gonna’ ruin your day!” Not.a.chance. God is God and He promises that those who obey {and tithing is obedience} He will open up the windows of heaven and POUR out His blessings us! And we are living proof that He means what He says!
Should the adoption be fully funded before applying?
Absolutely not! Step out in faith and start the process…and then watch and see how He provides. We sold everything that wasn’t nailed down {and lost the rest in the fire!} and each adoption we started we had zero money toward it. Yet, miraculously {cause He is just the Master Provider!} we have successfully adopted 8 of our 11 children without ever taking a loan {six of which were on a pastor’s income}. He is soooo faithful!
Did you immediately bond/love your newly adopted children?
I’m really glad someone asked this question.
Here are some thoughts: Although in my heart I had bonded with each of my kids prior to their arrival, the in-the-flesh-reality is quite different. Every adoption is different. That being said, we have adopted as teeny-tiny newborns and we have adopted an 8 year old and everything in between. Crazy as it might sound, age has nothing to do with it {at least for me}. Tyler screamed as an infant anytime I came near him. He loved Dw. He did not like me at all! He loved his foster mom in Korea and I was the big bad wolf to him. I was devastated. Love in action goes out of our way to do what our newest treasure needs. Tyler need to be held constantly, which I did. {I baby wore long before baby wearing was a term.} Before long he came around and found me to be pretty cool and bonding happened. There are other stories from our home, but suffice it to say, as I said before, each adoption and the circumstances of each adoption are entirely different. No one can predict.
The thing that remains is God’s word which commands us to love. I get concerned when I hear folks say, “I am not bonding with the child we have had home for x amount of time.” Friends, let me be perfectly up front. Love is a choice. His commands are clear. Love one another. Love is an action and if we don’t feel particularly drawn to our newest treasure, it’s clearly our problem. We are the adult.
When I hear of someone not bonding with their new addition my first thought is this: Have you fasted about it? Because this is how it works: God commands us to love. It is not a choice. Frankly speaking I am not always lovable and over my life time I have done some pretty cruddy stuff, but God’s love is unconditional, intentional and persevering! Can you imagine God saying, “Yeah, I’m not really bonding to this one…” Haha. It is so out of His scope of relationship! He loves. Period. We are called and commanded to do the same.
And last I knew, Love is not based on feelings. It is an action and it is a choice. I can focus on something I don’t like about a new addition or I can say, “I am the adult, I choose love and I will do everything in my power to love this little {or big} one.” Then I would intentionally do everything in my power to show love. Alone times with that one, dates with that one, quiet times with that one…and words of affirmation over and over and over and over….with large doses of fasting in the midst of it all. {Fasting for days on end if need be!}
I am convinced that when we choose not to bond {see, love is a choice and we are the adult} we are choosing to sin and we are being disobedient. The child we brought home had no choice in their circumstance, yet sometimes a kid meets a parent who “would rather they hadn’t ever come home to their family.”
Shame on that adult and shame on that family! {And parents, if you think that the other kids in your home don’t pick up on your non-bonding heart – guess again! It soon becomes a family affair…”no one has bonded with our newest”.}
God’s love is unconditional toward each of us!
And as I’m typing this the Lord brought this to mind: There are people who have birth children that they haven’t bonded to. True story. Adoption gets the bum rap, but come on folks, we all know people who we have watched treat two kids in the same family like night and day. How God’s heart must be grieved! Time to repent and fast and pray for God’s love to flood our souls to every single one of our treasures!
Last thoughts on this topic: Recently someone hurt me/us in a huge way. I was in denial at first {“They did not just do that?”}. Then it turned to anger. God convicted me immediately. Now if I shared the complete story, most of you would comfort us and say, “You poor thing!” What they did was downright schmucky. BUT…a funny thing happened. The Lord reminded me in my confiding time that His word says,
“Bless those who curse you.”
Being perfectly honest when He reminded me of that, I thought, “Oh crud. I don’t like that verse.” {stink head me!} And immediately I remembered, “If I disobey Him, it WILL cost me!” So what did I do? I began to fast and pray for this person. I prayed hard. I fasted. I prayed that Almighty God would bless them. {I could hardly say the word “bless” when I started. haha, I know you guys know what I mean, cause you all have had people like that in your life!}
But I persisted. I prayed many, many, many times a day that God would bless them big time. And surprisingly, within weeks {literally only weeks} my heart had completely changed. I start to cry at how faithful God is. Nothing had changed on their end, to my knowledge, but I can honestly say, if I ran into them on the street {I would NOT back up and run into them again – haha!}, seriously, I would hug them and look them square in the eye and ask how they were and tell them that I had been praying for them.
So tell me, why would I want to hang on to my “rights” to be angry or offended or hurt? IT’S SOOO NOT WORTH IT!
But many can say, “Yeah, but you don’t know my kid.” Well I don’t, true enough, but then you don’t know how this grown adult intentionally acted toward me/us! This grown adult who definitely knows better! And although comparing stories isn’t always wise, every child is a treasure and comes to their new home with baggage, this we know. It’s our choice as the adult to choose love…fast, pray and love even harder!
How did you foster that bond and love?
Remembering what a wretch I really am and how God has purposefully and intentionally loved me even when I was not very lovable. God’s word says that there is life-breathing power in our words. When a new treasure comes to our home, we continually reaffirm that we are all f-a-m-i-l-y.
We take pictures and post them of us together as a new family.
We celebrate the victories.
We pray and we fast.
Can you really imagine, by no choice of yours, being yanked out of where you are {I realize that many places our kids come from are less than optimal, but it is all they know and I know first hand from my own childhood, that even an abusive home has a sense of security, because it is familiar} and being put in a new home where you are not meeting some expectation one or both of your parents had? Can you imagine? Can you picture the confusion, these parents pursued you and now getting the message loud and clear that “life was more fun without you here”?
And don’t think for a second that these kids aren’t picking up on the cues their parent{s} are giving them. “We had so much more fun before you joined the family.” “We wish we could go back to the way it was when we were just ‘us’ without you.”
Yes, there are really people who not only think that, but they say that. It is sin friends, plain and simple. Time to repent and fast, fast, fast. Ask God to break your heart for your child.
God is a God of love. Period. He wants us to love each other and if we repent and turn from our sinful, selfish ways, He brings healing.
I’ll be perfectly honest. I am a bit concerned that adoption has become a ‘fashionable statement’ to some. The latest craze. And although I am desperate to see kids in homes, I sometimes wonder what will happen when a person picks up their newest ‘fashion statement’. Because there can be a lot of perceived ‘glamour’ in adoption, especially international adoption. Kind of a ‘rule-breaking’ thing to do, with a lot of “wow, you are amazing” attached to it. Yet, when we all come home, what if the ‘wow factor’ is now gone? And the bonding doesn’t happen {because the wow factor has disappeared and no one is patting them on the back like they once did}….what then?
Time to repent.
Time to fast.
Time to repent before a few close friends {not on a public blog} and ask them to fast with you…and fast until the cows come home if need be, but get it right and love that treasure because God’s best for you is to love like He loves. Love unconditionally. Love intentionally. Love with action {He demonstrated His love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died to us.}
One day we will all stand before the King of Kings…and He will look over our lives…and yes, we will be called to account for each of our deeds….how we loved! I just don’t think it’s gonna’ cut the mustard to say, “Yeah, I just never really bonded with this one.” Time to repent, turn from our sinful ways, fast and pray. He is faithful. He will bond the least bonded folks, if the adult is willing to repent and turn because God made our kids as responders. What we do, they will respond to. I have seen over the years, God do above and beyond anything we could think or ask, because He is just so faithful.
More tomorrow.
Love, Love, Love this post!!! Such truth all the way around!
Wow! What a powerful post Linny! I can SOOOO relate to so much of it…from not being the favorite child (the one who was more demanding got the attention), to choosing to LOVE despite what my sinner's self may have felt at the moment, to deciding to pray for someone who had recently wronged me and called my child an "ugly demon spawn" among some other extremely hurtful things…ouch! Of course, it doesn't mean I have to choose to be around those people, but I can pray for them and hope they repent for their own sins. I actually thanked the person for pushing me farther into the arms of my savior during all of this.
Interestingly enough, I have been praying for your family recently, particularly in regards to others being unkind to your family. I don't know the exact circumstances, but God knew that your family needed prayer…. and you were covered! 🙂
I laughed out loud when you wrote about God not bonding with that one…. thank GOD HE loves us, because each of us could have been that one. We are sinners, all of us.
As a single mom, I tithe and I give away, YET God always provides and seems to bless me more and more! NO, make that, HE DOES bless me more and more! In fact, I just got a new job, doing the same thing, with a different company that is going to pay me a lot MORE money for the same work, just working 40 hours instead of 32 hours per week. I'm already thinking how to bless others with my God given raise!!!
I could go on and on…. but I have to get something done today!
As always, I <3 your family! Hope to hug your neck in person some day!
Rebecca
Thank you for praying for our family…we've had some especially trying times lately so its good to know that the Lord was prompting you to pray…and better still you obeyed!
I also love Rebecca how you as a single parent can attest to God"s provision as a tither…He its ever faithful and the tithing promise from Him applies across the board…and one day I would loveto hug your neck..we are actually talking of a drive to Florida..Sooooo maybe??
I would LOVE to see you if you make it to Florida!!! Let me know the details when you get it figured out, so I can carve out some time if it's do-able! <3
Wow!!! Loved EVERY WORD!!! Thank you!!!!
Do you mind if I link to this post on my blog? I wish every single person I know would read this. It's really good. Thanks again.
Link away. Xo
Thank you for this post! I needed to hear a lot of what you said about repenting for anger when someone does somthing "unlovely" to you.
The heart change for me always comes when I begin to all God to bless them.
Great insight Linny! I love the part about bonding and fasting… I'm going to start today!
Blessings,
Rebecca
http://www.loveisonthemove-hope.blogspot.com
Go girl!
PS Then when God changes things…write me and tell me…I would love to tell another true story of the faithfulness of God changing hearts and lives!
OK! Here goes again. I commented and I think it up and disentegrated before it made it to you. If this is a duplicate, I apologize in advance. This isn't word for word but THANK YOU! I so appreciate that you have given voice to some things that I have only thought about. Your honesty and integrity constantly mentor me and challenge me. You are right. There are too many "fashion" statements, not only in adoption but in too many things to even speak of and it's filthy rags to God. I want to be like Jesus on this…clothed in humility.
My heart has been breaking, breaking, breaking. Nearly two years ago, God gave me a name of a little girl who He said would be my daughter. At this time in my life, I am unable to have any more children naturally and thought a miracle could occur. (It still can, I know) There is so much more to it than that but needless to say, that's when I came accross your blog and it was like a million piece puzzle came together! Truly. And now I see the miracle of adoption.
My husband and I began to pursue it and as soon as we took the steps, we got hit… major. So the past year we have been waiting on God and His timing. This has also been a time of examining ourselves and our motives. The breaking continues still.
I have no idea if I said half of what I said before and I'm sure I said more (long-winded as I am) but I look forward to more of this. I love and pray for you. Stacey
May I ask a question about your mindset on finances? Are there actually adoption agencies out there that can accept that you don't have any money set aside for the adoption but are trusting God? I am asking because, although we did have some money and a financial plan to come up with the rest (but we were ultimately trusting that God would provide and didn't really know where it would all come from), we were told that we should consider withdrawing from our homestudy. The social worker made it seem that we should have the money in the bank or a loaned lined up. Do other agencies not require this?
We have never had our money sitting in the bank to adopt. There are plenty of agencies who understand that God provides bit by bit. Time to look for another agency! And by the way sweet friend, I have heard of countries with a "hard and fast" rule about income requirements bend them…ya' know why? Because God's heart is FOR The orphan and He will move any bureaucratic mountain necessary to bring His treasures home!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am soaking this in right now…
Yes, yes, yes, yes, this is all dripping with the wisdom of God! My favorite post. More Q&A, please!
Next Memorial Post Monday: "God nudged me to post Q&A, and it rocked… So much do that Rachel Goode the lurker de-lurked!"
So blessed by your thoughts and experience.
xo
I loved this post!! Thank you so much for your blunt honesty, and saying it the way it is.
My husband and I tithe, but just yesterday we were discussing if we should put off our tithe for a couple months, because we are trying to buy a house and the lender told us that we need more cushion in our bank account after our down payment. I am so thankful that I read this post (and forwarded it to my husband)today because it was a big time answer to prayers. We are going to just continue to tithe and continue to trust God to provide, as He always has. Seriously a "duh" moment for me. God has always come through in the last minute for our adoptions too. We started our past 2 adoptions with enough for the application fee, and God amazed us every step of the way in how he could miraculously provide. When starting our last adoption, I was telling everyone how excited I was to see what God had up His sleeve.
Thank you! April
I pray before I post anything on the blog, asking Him what I should post? And sometimes, He totally changes up from what I have been thinking…anyway, He gets all the glory – no doubt He wanted you to be reminded…HE IS THE BANK…and all you have to do is trust HIM!
Oh girl! I just want you to know how much I appreciate the things you said and want to say, "Preach it!"
There are two points you made that,well, my kids probably thought I'd lost my mind (what little sanity, which is over-rated by the way, I have left). I just starting laughing and saying, "YES!".
In all five of our adoptive adventures, financially, we took a loan in only one adoption. It was the one thing that I still look back on and that really bugs me. We freaked out and stepped out on our own instead of waiting on God. Yet, since that time we have brought three more blessings home. Our twins came home in 2010. God blessed our fund raising (which He convicted us to proceed with) and there were no loans, credit, etc. With our daughter who arrived three months ago, God just kept on telling us to wait…that HE would provide. God provided every penny. Through friends, family, donations, Shaohannah's Hope, and even…well, our fire…God provided. I cannot reiterate enough how happy I was to hear you talk about God's provision. He doesn't say "go" and not provide a way.
Secondly, my mom raised me knowing that love was a choice…not just a mushy gushy feeling. It always ate at me when I heard people say, "We're getting a divorce because we just fell out of love. We're really good friends though!" Really?!!! Arg…the world warps so much and blinds so many…very much including me at times. Thank you SOOOOO much for talking about love being a choice!
What a blessing to be reminded of these things today! A BIG RESOUNDING AMEN!!!!!
Thankful that you, also, have seen it work! He is faithful in ALL areas. Amazing to us feeble minded, weak human beings, but He is always completely faithful.
Wow! Thank you for sharing your heart. Needed to hear it all.
Powerful. Thank you Linny.
Samantha
I can't tell you enough how this post is my heart and how I relate to it on all levels. You put the truth out there wrapped in grace and love. I remember all through my adoptions knowing that all I had to do is be obedient and He would direct my paths. There were many times where it was so good that I was fasting and praying and not sharing with many because I knew it would not make sense when I said yes. Even when one of our birth moms changed her mind after we held and spent time with them. It hurt, yet I knew He was directing and It wasn't about me and I could trust Him. Adopting has taught me so much and continues to do so. It is the redemption story and I am truly blessed with my three littles and the journey to them has done more for my faith and walk with God then anything else. Linny I so wish I could meet you and your family and give you a hug. You have really been a part of our family even though we have never met. My kids know you all by name and every night as we end our day with bible time we pray for all of you. If you do come to Florida come see us, we live at a beautiful beach! Love you all. Lori
So glad you did a Q&A and so thankful for all of the questions. Loved hearing your wisdom/insights!
I was so bummed when I got to the end of your post…I was not ready for it to end. I could have kept reading all night long. God is using you to communicate His truths and I can feel the truth starting to stir up the lies I have been believing/holding onto. I will be re-reading this post a few times to really let it all sink in. I have some repenting and fasting to do. At this point, I am praying that the Lord makes me willing to be willing.
Thank you Linny.
Jenny
Dear Linny,
Awesome post!!! Many words I needed to hear! I feel convicted and will fast and pray. I am struggling right now and will post a personal message on FB because I need to share!
Lisa
There is power in the truth and you speak the truth here Linny with deep conviction and obedience to God. Bless you friend, bless you and may all of us who read your words today hear God speaking through you. Love you dear.
I love this post! I was adopted and I am a Birth Mother. Janet
I love this post!! It is so true about bonding and I have experienced that first hand with our latest additions. I had to make the choice to bond with my children and love them and not rely on my feelings. I had to examine my heart and fast and pray to ask God to put the love in my heart for my daughters. God revealed to me that I had been offended with them and hurt by them when they rejected me in the beginning of our journey. I did not even realize that I felt offended and hurt but deep down my heart hurt. I repented to them and to the Lord and I also forgave them and forgave myself. I can say that at that moment the heaviness I felt lifted and I began to feel peace and love flood my heart for them. I had to get past myself and be obedient to the Lord and choose to love them and forgive them. I believe that I could have struggled with this for a very long time if I did not fast and pray and take steps to choose to love them. I think that it can be easy to focus on the negative feelings or behaviors from our children and miss the root of the problem. A heart problem in need of forgiving and loving. Now I feel the love for them and my heart is filled with joy and I can't imagine my life without them.
Blessings
ps…there is a healing conference in July with Patircia King and other speakers in Phoenix, AZ July 12-14.Just wanted to mention it to you in case you would like to go. We will be going and I would love the chance to meet you!! I am bringing my whole family and then some to the conference.
Thank you for sharing the truth, particularly about bonding and loving children. You have spoken the truth in love. What a treasure that is to me. Wish we were neighbors!! I cherish good friends who know what I need to hear and who are willing to help me see it (and can enjoy great coffee while doing it! 😀 ) Truly iron sharpens iron. Your instructions confirm what God has been working in my life. In your obedience, your words will impact many lives for the better. I pray God rewards you abundantly more than He already has.
Maureen
Great post! Loved that you took the time it took to answer the questions…and enjoyed reading it!!
Words cannot express how much this post spoke to my heart! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You touched on so many issues that I have wrestled with in the adoption/foster/loving your enemies/fasting arena! Can't wait to show my hubby! Thank you for being faithful and letting God use you.
Blessings!
Thank you for sharing Truth. This post reminds me again of the song: "When Love takes you in (everything changes)" by Steven Curtis Chapman. God is so good to allow repentance. When I accept His forgiveness for me in light of how I've been (and what He's done for me to be forgiven), only then can I love others. God is so, so, so good.
Linny, thank you for speaking from your heart and for your "tough love" honesty. I have struggled with bonding and needed to read this. I am so thankful for God's grace and forgiveness and His allowing me the privilege of being a parent even in all my imperfect glory.
You often come to mind and I pray for your family at those times. You are a Titus mother to me. Thank you! I could comment on every post you make, but try to restrain myself. 😉 May your day be blessed as you wait for your next dream house!