Questions and Answers: {Parenting – Part 1}

I thought it would be good to not only divide these up, but to also mix up the order some. Maybe yesterday’s post was overload for some or maybe it was just not applicable!

 So today, let’s start on:

 Parenting

 Parenting was one of the topics that will have to be divided up, so here’s the beginning of that.

First off, I have to tell you all a little story about our home. We admit right here and now we are not perfect parents – in fact, far from it!!

We have no problem with going to see a Biblical counselor when we can’t seem to get it right or one of our children are struggling with life. Going to a counselor is not a sign of weakness, on the contrary, it is a sign of strength! At one point, we had been to a counselor with more than one of our children and we had gone ourselves and we joked about putting her on retainer…and yes, she was one whose phone number I had memorized!

When our now grown kids were teenagers, we heard every now and then that they were not happy with our parenting ability {because face it, they were experts! – haha}. So I finally came up with an idea. I told them to get a notebook and write down every time they are unhappy with us. Everything, just write it down, all the details!

Then, one day, when they end up in counseling they can just pull their notebook out and begin the sessions. Why have to delve and try to remember? Keep it all right there, fresh and easily accessible. We have laughed many times about the idea of their notebooks, and really in the midst of it all, it was kind of comical.

 Do you ever just screw up big time wit
h your kiddos? 

 I confess: I actually laughed when I read this question. Sweet friends, I breathe, right? My oh my, of course, I screw up with my kids!! But for the most part I am a pretty laid back mom. I think the thing that helps me stay laid back is this…..I have a personal daily motto: Life is short. Love every one around you as though it were your last day.

I grew up with a lot of screaming, everyday. My stomach was continually in knots, churning with angst. To this day, at 53 years old, if I hear screaming, my stomach starts up and my intestines go nuts.

 When I was young I began to pray and ask the Lord to give me the strength to never be a screamer. And He has answered my prayers. If I’m gonna’ blow it, it’s usually being grouchy…and if I am grouchy, I apologize immediately. Our kids need to hear us be able to say, ‘Hey, I am so sorry for being a grump, will you please forgive me?”

 Many, many years ago, I had a friend who was a screamer. She lived in another state. She and her family came to visit for about a week and my kids got first hand the reality of a screamer {as she screamed – and I mean screamed – at her children throughout her visit.} My kids were dumbfounded. After she left, {on their own} my children thanked me profusely for not being a screamer and asked if she had to ever come visit again? How sad for a mom to leave such an impact! {And if you are a screamer, repent, ask your children to forgive you and humbly get an accountability partner who will bravely hold you accountable every.single.day. Make the change today, it’s not too late!}

 How do you seem to be so joyful about motherhood…all the time?

 I think it’s all wrapped up in the fact that my life had such brokenness and pain and yet, in the midst of all the trauma, God in His graciousness, was seeing the finished product and preparing the way for my dreams to be fulfilled – to be a mom of many! I am forever grateful and helplessly humbled. He heals, He restores and He redeems!

That being said, God made women as ‘influencers”.

 We set the tone for our home. Every moment we are influencing our home with our attitude. It can be a tense, miserable place or a place of peace and great joy. It can be a thankful place where gratefulness is fostered or it can be a place of complaining and belly-achin’ where nothing, no matter what, is ever good enough. It’s up to us.

I will choose thankfulness and joy every single day.  I begged God to allow me to be a mom…and His word is trusted and true: “He makes the barren woman to be at home, the joyful mother of children.” His plan was for moms to be joyful because frankly speaking, being a mom is the greatest joy in the entire world!

 How do you handle it when a 19 year olds girlfriend decides that she just
wants to be friends and breaks your child’s heart? 

 We have seen some broken hearts around our home. One, in particular, was probably one of the most devastating things we have walked through as parents, helping our child in such agony. But, when it’s all said and done, in the midst of the pain, we must remember that He promises to cause all things to work together for good. He does not inflict the pain, but He will comfort and minister in the midst of it and use it to make us more like Him. I know I sound like a broken record, but when a child is in pain, fasting helps me {for starters} deal with the stress of it all, it gives me wisdom, insight and discernment, not to mention – fasting always brings me great peace.

 Siblings fight…what are your techniques and strategies for dealing with
it? 



 Kids squabble because of selfishness and jealousy {just like us adults!}.   It is our responsibility as parents to create healthy ways for them to ‘make things right’.

We feel strongly that the vast majority of adults do not know how to take responsibility for their behavior, apologize to the person they have offended and make things right. People today avoid confrontation at all costs, even at the expense of a friendship – so totally not God’s plan!

 Think about it….at the beginning of time, the world was barely in motion, and one brother was killing his only other brother because of jealousy. That is pretty hard to even get my mind around actually.

People who choose to ignore sinful behaviors are foolish! It is our God-given responsibility to deal with these and train our kids how to deal with each other and others as well.

 There are a few rules at our home. {1} We talk about offense. What was at the root of the offense? {Jealousy, Pride or Selfishness are usually the three most common.}

{2} When we talk about offense, we talk about responsibility of both parties {to take responsibility for the action that led to the offense and to the other party about letting go of the offense through forgiveness.

{3} When dealing with offense, the offending party must always say, “I am sorry for ______. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?”

*There is little that frustrates me more than to hear a child who has clearly done something wrong, throw a “sorry” over their shoulder….it is the most insincere thing!

 As a society there is a failure to take responsibility and it starts by adults taking the responsibility of training their children. Whew! Glad to have gotten that off my chest! Recently I had to confront an adult about something they had done. I shared the pain they had caused because of their sin {yes, it was sin!}. What was their response? Well I can tell they did not say, “I’m sorry”. They merely said, “I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make this conversation better.” Really? How about an apology for starters? Oh.my.gracious. I was dumbfounded.*

{4} The offended party must say, “I forgive you.”

{5} They must hug each other. A true hug with a sweet squeeze. Hugs break down walls. Seriously, they just do.

 When the kids grow older and argue with each other, I make them go off by themselves and work it out.

Another thing we have done when two kids just can’t seem to get along for a season. We assign a project that they must do – together. Nothing like a long project to make people get along. Today’s world says, “Stay as far away from each other.” On the contrary – we say, ‘Run to the fire and get it worked out!”

 I have one who is 13 who is constantly criticizing his 10 year old sister. He knows better than to say anything really bad like “stupid”, but he tells her everything she does wrong and shows how annoyed he is by her all the time. I am so weary of it. I talk to him all the time about it and when he does it, I call him on it. It just doesn’t stop. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like her life is being shaped based on what he thinks instead of what the rest of us think. She is not safe here! Can you give me some advice?

 I have to be blunt with this one. If she is not safe, it is up to you to change that! Your 13 year old’s behavior must be dealt with swiftly. Talking to him about it, means nothing. Mom, you must take action!! Today.

What consequences have you put into place to deal with this? My guess is that it has been ongoing for a while now.

 A 13 year old should not be allowed to bully a sibling {or anyone else for that matter}. Your home should be the safest place for all of your children! That being said, what are some natural consequences that you could start with today?

From the time our kids are little, they learned one thing. Say something unkind and pay a price!

 What do we do specifically?

 We have a giant bottle of Barley Green in the cupboard. Anytime anyone uses their mouth for unkindness they get a big ol’ spoonful of dry Barley Green. {It is nasty tasting stuff, but it is sooo good for you. I call that a win-win!} Barley Green can be found at your local health food store – purchase in POWDER form.

It is not too late to start your 13 year old with doses of barley green.

 But mom, you must be consistent. Don’t excuse his behavior! It’s sinful and it’s wrong! Every.single.time. he is nasty to your 10 year old, he needs to get a dose.

Our kids are not allowed to spit it out, nor are they allowed to flush it with something tasty. They have to ‘meditate’ {haha} on the full effect, and trust me, it is not a fun thing!

Many years ago when we were praying about how to correct behaviors of the mouth, the Lord gave us that idea of the Barley Green.

 Think about it, it seemed like the most ‘natural’ thing for a yukky mouth…to give a dose of yukkiness right back to that yukky mouth that just spewed yuk to a sibling.

Also, what perks does your 13 year old have in his life? Staying up later than the others? I would put him to bed every.single.night EARLY – earlier than his youngest sibling. I know the older our kids get, the more going to bed early would make a profound impact and cause an immediate behavior change!

 If you do not take swift, serious action now, you will have allowed long-lasting effects to come from his sinful behavior. A season without special perk like going to friends, video games, computer time, cell phone, whatever! But there needs to be serious consequences put into place now, before it is too late.

Kids are usually really quick learners. The thing they are looking for is consistency. If we as parents are consistent, they learn, “this isn’t worth it, there will be consequences” and they decide to change their behavior.

 Lastly, I would strongly urge you to fast. Your 13 year old’s behavior is a symptom of a heart issue and better to figure that out now, honestly evaluating what’s really going on, before a few more years pass and he is out from under your influence.

{And if we were sitting having coffee together I would ask two things: Has he been made to think that he is the king of the roost thus creating a “I’m better than you mentality” or is there a chance that you favor the 10 year old and he is resentful and making sure that she is reminded that she is not really as special as she is made to feel because he is jealous of the attention you give the 10 year old. And maybe it’s neither of those. Just what I felt like the Lord brought to mind as I was typing this.}

 James Dobson wrote a book many years ago called Parenting Isn’t for Cowards. He was right. It’s tough and it takes consistency. But, when we work hard at it, praying and fasting, God will allow us to reap the rewards of one day, having our adult children become our closest friends! And that’s the greatest feeling of all!

23 thoughts on “Questions and Answers: {Parenting – Part 1}

  1. What great sound advice given about the 13 yr. old. and I love the idea about the Barley Green. Dont know what it is, but I like the idea of something that will teach a good lesson and doesnt harm the child. Where would you find something like that? : )
    By the way Im really enjoying your question and answer segments. I am terrible about commenting but I wanted you to know that you have such a wonderful way of reaching into a person with your words. Yesterdays post really spoke volumes and volumes and volumes. Did I mention it spoke volumes? lol Thanks!

  2. I should have mentioned where to find Barley Green…I will go back and edit the post [thank you for wondering aloud!]…it can be found at the local health food store. Kind of a pricey item…initially, but worth it's weight in gold. Bottles are under $20.00/…powder form…and they last forever {once your kids get the idea you weren't kidding!}….haha.

  3. I love this series, Linny. It's like having you as my own personal mentor! 🙂 When my kids were younger we used to give a spoonful of vinegar for using their mouths in ugly ways. It worked like a charm. My son would CRY and CRY about it, but he would take it, and they both knew better than to spit it out! 🙂 Now that my daughter is older, she actually LIKES the taste of vinegar (what in the world?), but anything that tastes really nasty to her will make her instantly throw up. We've had to find alternate methods. 😉

    I also cannot stand to hear a flippant and mumbled "sorry". We do what you do and make our children say "I'm sorry for_____, will you please forgive me?" And then the other says, "I forgive you." I love your idea about discussing the root of the offense (selfishness, pride, jealousy). I think we're going to implement that ASAP!

    Thanks so much for being an online mentor to me (and so many) – your wisdom is like gold!

  4. That is some good stuff! I will probably be trying the barley green idea. My children are starting to have a problem with speaking kindly and respecting one another. A few doses of that may just take the edge off of their words. Thanks!

  5. I am thinking I may have to go find me some of that barley green, for the seemingly thousands of "accidents" that happen around here. "It was an accident I called her that name. It was an accident I pulled his hair to get him out of that chair." My mother used soap but that's not an option in my situation. I am currently parenting 4 children that are not "mine" as in I am what would be their step-mom if I was married. I am in a relationship with their father. They are ages 11(g),10(b),8(g), and 7(b). I don't mind that there are "so many" haha I want to have my own also. I have a very hard time with the fact that I have only been in the picture for about 2 years now and they have not had much parenting up until now. The oldest 2 have intellectual disabilities that make their maturity and mental capacity about 2-4 years behind where they currently are at. The 8 year old struggles with expressive language as they call it. She has a very hard time expressing her thoughts in words. Its almost as if I have triplet 3rd graders and a 1st grader. The youngest has issues with sitting still and paying attention to stuff but is at least as mature as I would expect a 1st grader to be. They all however have a problem/behavior I can not seem to break them off an it unfortunately is something that makes my blood boil! The behavior is they "sneak" things as they call it. Its stealing. They take stuff, mainly treats, from cabinets (sometimes stores) without asking or without being told they can have said item. They know stealing/sneaking is wrong. They try to hid all evidence and keep it a secret. I am at my wits end with it. I have tried talking about why its wrong and the commandments say do not steal. I have tried giving the non-offenders treats for being good. I have tried yelling/screaming (it just comes out. I know its not right). I have tried grounding and taking away coveted items such as computer time/tv time. I just quit my job to become their SAHM. I am trying to gather up ideas and the motivation to get some program/routine going and consistency to get this home under control. They have experienced a lot in their young lives but hopefully soon this house will be the safest place for them and I will only have to deal with fallout when they return from visiting their mother. The mother is a whole other can of worms to deal with but I'll keep that opinion to myself and pretend to be excited for them to see her as they are excited to see her. I don't expect perfect everyone gets into some trouble here and there but I do expect them to give their best each and every single day. Hopefully soon the chaos around here will calm and I can instill good values into each of them.

  6. Haha my mom used to do the sme thing with Barley Green!!! Ah that brought back some memories! We used to have to drink a small amount of it mixed with water each morning just for the healthiness of it, so when she threatened us with Barley Green we knew she was NOT kidding and we knew we did NOT want it! Yucko. It tastes like drinking fresh cut grass in powder form!

  7. Linny, you are so wise. Your willingness to share from your own experiences is such a blessing to me and so many others. I literally felt like we were sitting and having some coffee together. If we were, I would have been having a white chocolate mocha…what would you have had?? 🙂 Thanks again, for sharing so openly with me. :)Diane

  8. hi Linny 🙂 I enjoyed reading your Q and A posts today. I thought, if you are planning on doing a Q and A on adoption again, perhaps you can cover RAD? If you feel you are led to.

  9. Thank you for this post. I needed it. Will you put these Q&A posts up on one of the tabs so we can find them later? I have a feeling I'll need to reference this one again.

  10. My sister Megan told me about this. We both bought some and I used it when the kids lied to us. It worked really well. I haven't had to use it for awhile. However, I have a very whiney three year old whom I can't get to stop whining. My five year old is really struggling with listening to us and responding with respect to us. I think I may use it for an effective learning tool again. I did remove the privilege to watch any TV at night (they are only allowed a show or two before bedtime) and took my older daughters CD player away until she could change her attitude. That really helped. I love hearing good advice from parents who have been there/done that. Thanks for sharing!

    I hear Megan is going to Phoenix soon and is planning on visiting you. Have a wonderful time. She really misses you!

  11. Linney,

    that is so funny! We JUST recently instituted a similar thing with our children only we give them a big spoonful of COD liver Oil as "brain food" when they decide to be lazy or rude in their speech (the problem here lately). Amazing how fast that brain food works!

  12. How old were your kids when you started the barley green method? I really really like the premise! My kids are only 4 and 2, but they definitely from time to time "spew yuk" at eachother! Even if they are a little young for it now, I am definitely holding onto this idea!

  13. How did I miss this post?? I check your blog almost every day. I am so thankful that I happened across it today. Thank you for answering! I agree completely and am implementing immediately. I am all teary over this. It breaks my heart and I am so hopeful now of a change. I have been so stumped with how to discipline the older kids. I so appreciate you telling it to me straight, like a real mentor over coffee, except I hate coffee so I would have had lemonade, which you hate. haha. I joke, but I really am taking this seriously. Thank you!

  14. I love reading helpful tips from other experienced moms. I've always made my kids apologize when there's an issue, but I really loved the idea of asking for forgiveness, offering forgiveness, and then the hug. I was able to implement this new plan within hours of reading this. (ha!) You should have seen the fake hugs from my 7yr old! It got everyone laughing though, which made everything better.
    Debbie W

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>