Yesterday we rounded up all the kids and went to a mall in an area of Phoenix that we are not usually in. It’s about 45 minutes from our home and in a beautiful part of the city. We had to pick something up inside the mall so we decided to walk around a bit as a family.
We had been to this mall once before, about 6 months ago. When we had walked through it at that time, it was pretty clear that seeing a large transracial family was a new experience for most, as all we encountered were stares, stares and more stares.
Bless their hearts, it was almost comical.
Yesterday though, since it was mid-afternoon on a week-day the only thought I had was that there probably wouldn’t be many people in the mall in the 2-3 o’clock hour.
Each of the five littles was holding someone bigger’s hand and Ruby was riding in her stroller. Jubilee, Nehemiah, Isaiah, Elizabeth and Elijah are usually well-behaved with little incident.
However, we’re beginning to get one thing:
our presence is ‘the commotion.’
I guess I kind of thought we would slip through, unnoticed.
I am giggling as I type, picturing the expressions on most of the people we passed.
Several nearly tripped as they stared and stopped paying attention to their footing.
Others literally stood perfectly still in the mid-stream walking position while they stared.
Still others stopped their sentences and their mouths were left gaping.
In their defense, when I really stop to think about it, we look like a quite the tribe.
Nine kids, internationally flavored and a silver-haired mom and not-so-plentiful haired dad.
Truly, eleven is kind of a large number to be walking together.
Sadly, I only noticed one sweet smile and that being from a kind young woman taking a smoke break
on the bench outside the store where our car was parked as we unloaded and went in.
From there on, there wasn’t a smile to be found anywhere.
Oh well.
We had such fun.
We laughed.
We smiled at the blank stares anyway.
We talked.
We enjoyed the sights inside this huge mall preparing for Christmas.
But our biggest giggles came, near the end of our trip around the halls of the mall, when we passed a restaurant where people were sitting eating in the actual mall corridor a few feet from where we had stopped to help Ruby adjust her position a bit.
That group of ladies sitting eating just stopped. To stare. I smiled at them. There was nary a smile returned from among the group of ladies. Just heads bent down with murmurs, clearly making it look like they were speaking of us, but perhaps not in the most favorable of ways.
Thankfully, our little ones were talking to each other, unaware of the stares.
The bigger kids were taking note of the staring unsmiling ladies, gazes fixed on our beautiful, colorful tribe as they waited for me to tend to Ruby so we then could proceed to the mall exit.
After observing the not-so-happy older ladies, no doubt, our biggers began to feel a bit of a protective response from what appeared to be unfavorable staring ladies.
As we walked away Emma leaned toward me and whispered, “Mom, we really ought to buy a bag of candy and toss some from time to time.”
It struck me so funny. We laughed and laughed and laughed.
So the parade thing might just work for us….
we just need to stop and get a big ol’ bag of candy….
🙂
Heehee I LOVE this idea – we are already the freak family! I jsut can't wait until we have Griffen and with only 6 kids but 3 dwarfs and a double amputee. Really people, get out jsut a little bit more – there is a whole wide world to enjoy and it doesn't include 2 kids, boy and girl all white.
Our kids, their friends, and our community are stronger for seeing the diversity. What I really want is a "here's your sign" to hand out to stupid comments but I guess I should be flattered they were able to pick their jaw up off the ground lng enough to utter a word.
Oh bless her heart… that is so funny! Perhaps they were thinking with wonder… "Wow… so many children and they aren't wrecking havoc… they are so well behaved! How ever does she do it???"
Be blessed as you make the world stare, wonder and confusion… We all should live so boldly before our fellow men!
I know the feeling even though we only have 7 of us at the moment. I love the idea about the candy, lol.
What a great story to those of us who can relate. It is sad and funny at the same time. Love the idea of throwing candy! Thanks for sharing – it gave me a knowing chuckle!
So funny, Emma has a great sense of humor. And your "not-so-plentiful haired dad" made me lol.
Emma's sense of humor is hysterical. Truly. She makes me laugh all day long…and it's humor in the truest sense…the kind that never ever ever is at someone else's expense. We will all miss her so much when she moves to Africa, how my heart aches and tears well at the thought!
Awww. Really??? It's so hard to believe that areas of our country still live in such small bubbles. You would be welcome in our part if the world anytime! If there is one thing I totally love about this melting pot called Florida, it's that every tribe is represented and it seems that large families are trending:) you are an inspiration to me and I'm sure The Lord used you all in BIG BIG ways to teach those people more about Him. I'm positive they'll never forget you.
Xo,
Rebecca
Oh I love Emma's response!!!! Seriously? I am still amazed at how people resond to you all…it has not changed so much since the 80's when our family with 8 kids would go somewhere. Once on a trip a car went past us and then slowed down in the left lane so they could gawk at us again. The kids decided to make a sign that said, "YES WE ARE ALL SISTERS AND BROTHERS AND ONE FAMILY!" I miss those days of having them all gathering round…so fiercly proud and protective of each other and so knowing that they had something special others were missing out on.
I LOVE the idea of tossing candy. And had I seen you in the mall, I would have given you a great big smile 🙂 I can only imagine the stares. We only have three international treasures, including one with obvious special needs and we get enough stares on our own. Let them gawk away. Perhaps they will think about what truly makes a family.
A sense of humor is a great defense in those situations. So glad she had that idea! 🙂
Keep up the God work.
Glad you can see the humor in it all. Think of the fun you could have in picking the candy…snickers…haha…or those sour ones for the sour faces…etc…lol!
It hadn't even dawned on me until I read your comment, but "Snickers" would be perfect, right?
Too funny! I was in the grocery store with 3 or 4 of mine the other day…can't even remember how many, when a lady was staring so intently at us that she actually ran into the guy in front of her! My kids and I laughed so hard….and then every aisle when we would see her, we would giggle some more. The guy she stepped on was not too thrilled with her….but heck that's what she gets for staring! Didn't her mother ever teach her it wasn't polite to stare? (she was probably around 45 years old).
Maybe we will buy some candy too! Tell Emma that's a great idea!!!
This sounds like Fashion Square. I DO think the candy idea is a good one! Thanks for sharing.
Haha!! You know the mall well!! Was it the part where I said it was huge that was the dead giveaway? LOLOLOL
Huge and the extreme responses. Scottsdale? Yeah, I think so!
That makes my heart incredibly sad. Who could not look at your beautiful family and smile?
Really, we weren't sad. We just shake our heads…their loss to not enjoy ALL the treasures that would cross their paths..
I'm glad you were able to handle it with such humor! I was reminded of this quote:
"The Bible calls debt a curse and children a blessing; but in our culture, we apply for a curse and reject blessings. Something is wrong with this picture." ~ Doug Phillips
LOVE that idea!
NowTHAT is just the kind of way to shine through trials. 8)
lol!! way to go with a great idea emma!! :} i'm sad for all the people who don't understand the joy that is your family as they unkindly stare at you! however…i hear that target has halloween candy on sale for 70% off…..maybe you should try it…maybe that would make them smile! oh please try it. 😀
Maybe, just maybe, they were staring and thinking to themselves, "I wish my one or two little kids would behave so nicely!" Perhaps they were kicking themselves.
Honestly I would most likely stare and just dream that one day that would be me! 🙂
Blessings,
Amy
Aww I am sorry Linny! I just want you to know that if our family would have saw you guys in the mall we would have smiled til our faces hurt! And probably invited y'all over for some homemade spaghetti and meatballs! We just LOVE big families! And the more different each of them are…the better! You know, we have 4 children ages 7, almost 6, 4, and 3. Our 3 year old is our newest addition from China. Anyway, I get stared at ALL THE TIME with just my 4. I also have had people say things like "Do you foster children"? or "Do you run a daycare?" or my personal favorite "You DO know how babies are made, right"? Oh yea…that one cracks me up. I really don't get bent out of shape about it. But, sometimes the stares do become a bit much. Since when did having 4 children close in age count as something "stare worthy"? Haha! Of course…they are pretty cute..maybe that's why they stare! 🙂
Well we would be happy to come for spaghetti and meatballs…and truly, we are pretty used to the staring thing, but this mall trip was like nothing else…because it was universal staring and tripping and gawking and whispering…and to us, we just shake our heads and giggle, "their loss"…and then when Emma suggested that – oh my – we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Almost as bad as 2 Mennonite ladies in China with a Chinese baby…ah well as I tell my children…smile and wave.
🙂 i'll buy the first bag for you! when my sister was alive, we used to get stares at her b/c of her obvious differences or b/c of the sounds she would make. i would purposefully stare back with a big smile on my face (or sometimes not) and make the people staring aware of their lack of tact. oh how i'd love to join you and your parade someday 😀
That made me smile! Especially the part about buying a big bag of candy.
Candy and streamers!! The kids would love going ANYWHERE!
I LOVE the idea of streamers with the candy! We might just 'have to'!! haha.
This post made me smile – we have had the conversation of throwing candy! We aren't quite as big of a crew as you guys are, but enough that we do get stares and I just think how sad that the starers don't even begin to know the joys they are missing out on. I love my life and can't imagine it any different – my husband and I have been blessed beyond measure with great adventures (also streatched beyond measure) due to our willingness to continue parenting as we thought our parenting days were almost over (as in bios getting more independent and almost adults) and then we even got to adopt – wow truly God gave us the grandest adventure of all!
The other day I was speaking with the gal at the dentist's office and she was making the remark: "You are such a wonderful woman"…I said, "Oh, no, no, no, this isn't about me being wonderful, I am having a blast…this is my dream come true…I'm selfish, I love kids and I just want as many as I can get." She just smiled and shook her head. Adoption/large families? Such a blessing from the Lord! I am the most blessed mama -my heart overflows!
Our little clan would have been so very excited to see your large one!! They want so desperately to meet all of you!! My girls get so very excited when they see large and/or transracial family going by. We are guilty of making the opposite reaction…overjoyed "want to be" reaction:) And yes, I think you need to make a parade of it!!
Well my treasures would love to meet yours or any that would be excited to see them. And one day, perhaps we will! xo
Some people just don’t know what beautiful is. Sad for them.
Now that is hilarious. I laughed at the mental picture of your kids tossing candy to the mall patrons. Thanks for the chuckle. I have to say that whenever I see a large family out in public, I'm usually intrigued because most of the time, that large family is the best mannered group around at any given time. It makes my heart smile.
Now that is hilarious. I laughed at the mental picture of your kids tossing candy to the mall patrons. Thanks for the chuckle. I have to say that whenever I see a large family out in public, I'm usually intrigued because most of the time, that large family is the best mannered group around at any given time. It makes my heart smile.
We only have one child but have mostly stopped going to "malls" altogether simply due to the highly materialistic, overtly sexualized content, in almost every window and that judgmental atmosphere that just seems to be there. Before I came to Christ I LOVED the mall for all the wrong reasons, now I truly feel like a foreigner there. Maybe you could print off some small simple cards with IVO info on them and the children are a blessing bible verse and hand them out to the staring masses as you walk through the mall. Feeding their curiosity and perhaps getting them to feed the orphan!! Your family is amazing and the most important stare you are getting is the one from God staring at you with Love for all you do for those treasures!!
We only have one child but have mostly stopped going to "malls" altogether simply due to the highly materialistic, overtly sexualized content, in almost every window and that judgmental atmosphere that just seems to be there. Before I came to Christ I LOVED the mall for all the wrong reasons, now I truly feel like a foreigner there. Maybe you could print off some small simple cards with IVO info on them and the children are a blessing bible verse and hand them out to the staring masses as you walk through the mall. Feeding their curiosity and perhaps getting them to feed the orphan!! Your family is amazing and the most important stare you are getting is the one from God staring at you with Love for all you do for those treasures!!
Emma cracks me up! I can hardly believe no one smiled. I would have a hard time not staring, but it would be with a smile because your family is a picture of my dream. I would also probably strike up a conversation in spite of the fact that I am not normally a "never met a stranger" type. I would just be so struck by your beautiful family! I do have a funny story about doing that, though. One time I commented to a white mom with 7 kids of all shades about her beautiful family. She thanked me and started telling me about their adoptions after I told her that I had adopted from Hong Kong. Two children were adopted from Liberia and two from the US, BUT the domestically adopted kiddos were white and mistaken by me for the bio kids. The lovely brown children were bios. Turns out dad was dark. A beautiful family no matter the origins.
I absolutely loved Emma's comment…perfect! I am sure you opened hearts without even knowing it. Not to mention that you are making it a norm, what a beautiful way to display how the family of God looks to others…even if they do stare! All glory to HIM
Blessings,
Laurie
I realized I left something out of my initial comment. I refer to my husband as follicularly impaired. He doesn't find the humor in it, though.
I recently encountered a mom in the children's department. She had 2 able-bodied children and another one who was in a stroller-type wheelchair. I didn't even realize at first that the little girl in the stroller was severely disabled. I just happened to look up from the clothing rack and there she was. I looked at her and then up at her mom. Her mom looked at me with suspicion until I smiled and told her that her daughter is precious. I'm not typically a very outgoing person and usually keep to myself in public. But I think I encouraged this mom because she did smile. I don't think she spoke English well but she knew enough to know what I said and that I said it with sincerity. Her little girl is 3 years old and has a severe form of Cerebral Palsy. I introduced her to my little girl who also has CP. It made me feel good that I was able to bring a smile to that mom's face.
Thanks for your honesty 🙂 One of my sons is from China and is missing part of his arm. We get some stares and some smiles. Usually about 50-50. Reminds me of that verse, "Man looks at the outside appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." I love your attitude about it!!
chuckling, I love Emma's response!
Yet it really is sad to me because people are so incredibly materialistic in our society, I can't even stand going to malls anymore now that my eyes have been opened. All I can think of is how much money is being wasted on stuff, how many hearts are empty and hurting, and how many children could be brought home if that money was channeled differently.
hysterical – too bad you aren't in a friendlier town. Who can resist a kid, no matter what race or ability? Unfortunately for these people, maybe they never saw joy as a child and neither did their kids.
I feel kinda sad for the people who are staring – it is obviously such a strange thing for them that they cannot even be aware of how big a blessing it is to have so many people to love – they are totally missing out! We at "only 3" get comments too – when I had 2 and was pregnant with our third someone said "wow, you are repopulating the earth, aren't you!?" and very often people say "you have your hands full, are you done now?" and when we say we would love more we get funny looks and stares, sometimes laughs and sometimes people have actually just bluntly said to us "you should stop now". Although I cannot believe how people feel able to say these things without even batting an eyelid, I am in part happy to be part of the "large family club" (it's funny how 3 now qualifies as that!) and can often smile about the thought of what they will think if God blesses us with more. 🙂
We would be so delighted to see you all if we went shopping – if you are ever in Scotland…!!!
Next time ask another family to go with you…if you are like us, our friends have large families too….and dont forget the candy:) I wish I would have seen you in the mall:) I would have given smiles and wanted to intrude on your private time and share adoption stories—-mainly the story of God adopting us:) from every tribe, tongue and nation…..
That is just pitiful. When people stare at me for a while, I usually just say wave and say hey, how are you doing? They usually become so embarrassed they turn away. Last year when the tornadoes hit my state (Alabama), we went to the store with some of our neighbors. Our other neigbors asked us to bring back a few gallons of milk for them. The clerk checking us out said, wow, that's alot of milk for y'all. We said it's not for us it's for our other neighbors. She then said, they must have a big family. I told her, yes 10 to be exact. She was like how can they afford them all. I told her that their Daddy builds houses. That family now has 11 members. Rudeness is everywhere.
Ha! We just took our littles to our local Veteran's Day parade, and they gathered twice as much candy as they did at Halloween, so the image of Emma tossing candy as your family passes through the mall is so fresh and real, I laughed out loud. 🙂
I am sorry that people stare and confess I probably would have stared, too, if I wasn't used to seeing large, multi-racial families with multiple challenges. People do stare at our small, multi-racial family. This summer we went to the zoo, along with apparently about 2,000 other people, and didn't see a single other multi-racial family the entire day, and people stared at us, though not all in an unfriendly way. But at our "mega" church, we pass large families and multi-racial families every couple of minutes as we walk through the hallways. It is all a matter of perspective and location, we've found.
I am surprised, though — I remember that you were on the news a few months ago. Was there no one at the mall who had seen your family on TV or read your blog and was aware of your Extreme Wonderfulness? Those Phoenicians need to get out more!
While my little clan is much smaller than yours, it does take a little getting used to being such a "highly visible" family. I think I've become pretty oblivious to it, but your post was a reminder that my kids may be more aware of the stares than I am. And, by the way, I've got some bags of leftover Halloween candy that I will gladly donate! LOL!
Oh, I am so delighted to have found your wonderful home in blogland. God bless you for what you do and how beautifully you represent Him!
Blessings!
PS I am your newest follower
Hi Linny! I think you were experiencing microaggressions there in the mall. I was just learning about these in my graduate class.
Microaggressions are "'subtle, stunning, often automatic, and non-verbal exchanges which are ‘put downs.’" (Pierce, Carew, Pierce-Gonzalez, & Willis, 1978, p. 66)
"Racial microaggressions have also been described as 'subtle insults (verbal, nonverbal,
and/or visual) directed toward people of color, often automatically or unconsciously.'" (Solorzano et al., 2000)
"Microaggressions are often unconsciously delivered in the form of subtle snubs or dismissive looks, gestures, and tones. These exchanges are so pervasive and automatic in daily conversations
and interactions that they are often dismissed and glossed over as being innocent and innocuous." (Wing Sue et al., 2007, p. 273)
"For the recipient of a microaggression, however, there is always the nagging question of whether it really happened (Crocker & Major, 1989). It is difficult to identify a microaggression, especially when other explanations seem plausible. Many people of color describe a vague feeling that they have been attacked, that they have been disrespected, or that something is not right (Franklin, 2004; Reid & Radhakrishnan, 2003). In some respects, people of color may find an overt and obvious racist act easier to handle than microaggressions that seem vague or disguised (Solorzano et al., 2000).
If you would like to read the entire article, I can send it to you! It has been really valuable to me as a transracial adoptive parent.
We are a family of 9 right now and we get some stares so I can only imagine. I love the candy idea. I may have to try that myself!
I only wish I would be so blessed to see your family in the mall. 😉
(the candy comment IS pretty darn funny though!!)
It always makes me sad when people who can look at a child and even keep themselves from smiling…much less at a such a representation of the Kingdom of God that your family is! God bless you and yours! For such is the Kingdom of our gracious God!