WARNING: Forthright, explicit and raw. Her name was changed to protect her innocence. I’ve shared this story twice over the years. I am passionate about this and it’s time to share it again.

One holiday, almost 13 years ago, I received a middle-of-the-night phone call from Bree (name changed to protect privacy).  Bree’s voice was frantic as she literally screamed in my ear, “Pray!” and told me that the police were on their way to their home.  It was at that moment that I knew something was dreadfully wrong.  I was stunned – I had had zero clue.  After all, Bree and her husband were newlyweds.

After the police arrived and took him away, Bree called me back and told me what had happened. Her husband had been angry at her because they didn’t have company over for New Years Eve (she had wanted to, he didn’t) so he loaded his gun and began shooting it off on the front porch.  She was scared that he was going to hurt her and so she had called the police.  He ended up spending the night in jail and when he went before the judge Bree changed her story and said that she did not feel threatened. 

This is very common for victims of Domestic Violence – they minimize the abuse and terror to protect their abusing spouse because they feel sorry for him or are scared of what he will do if she does tell the truth. 

Before that middle of the night phone call I had had zero clue any abuse was going on although Bree and I literally would text or talk basically every single day.

Having personally grown up in a home where Domestic Violence was lived out, I actually knew the routine well: the “covering up” to protect the abuser, the “pretending everything is okay”, daily tiptoeing on eggshells.  And today, in our social media driven society, there is an added component – the regular posting on social media declaring how much she loves her abusing husband to pretend to the world that everything is okay or to gain kindness from him. As is the case with most abusers and their partners, there are occasional good days or even good weeks in the beginning but before long the victim walks on eggshells every single moment of every single day.

That first phone call from Bree was my personal nightmare and it was beyond horrible to now know that someone I so desperately loved was living as a victim of Domestic Violence.

Seven months later we were gathered together for a very special event.  Throughout that special event everyone who knew Bree were in disbelief. Bree, who had once been bubbly and talkative, now sat in one spot with hollow eyes not saying a word for days.  Several of us heard her husband snarling at her, demeaning her and being hateful under his breath – it was unbearable. Everyone could only imagine – if this is what he was doing with others around – what in the world was he doing when they were alone?

As they were preparing to head back to their home in another state, I managed to get her alone (which was a miracle because he would not let her out of his grasp) and I pleaded with her through my own tears, “Please stay here. Please don’t go back. He will kill you. I will help you.”  As tears dripped steadily from her beautiful eyes she whispered, “I have to.”

They had not even pulled out of sight when I was already dialing the 800 Domestic Violence Hotline to talk to a counselor.  For those needing it: 1-800-799-7233.  If you are afraid your phone may be monitored, there is a national website here:  DV HOTLINE

The counselor told me that as much as I wanted to go after Bree and bring her and their newborn back, no one could force Bree to come.  She was a victim and statistics show that people forced to leave by a loving friend or family member will usually return to the abuse.  She explained that Bree would likely leave several times before she really had the courage to permanently leave.

And so began years of prayer, fasting and so very many calls.  I kept dated records of the things she would tell me.  And of course, the pictures.  Horrible, nasty, stomach-turning pictures.  I felt like I was reliving the nightmare of growing up in a home with Domestic Violence but this time I was an adult watching this person I dearly loved, Bree, live it out. It was horrific.

Every single day and night I prayed multiple times for Bree’s protection, that he would not kill her and that she would have the courage to run!!!

Anytime my phone rang and it was Bree on caller ID my heart would race as I answered frantically and my first words were always, “Are you okay?” The stress on my soul was so real!

Of course he attempted to keep Bree from her family.  He sequestered her from friends and if she did have a girlfriend he did everything in his power to destroy that friendship.  He wanted her under his control at all times and would say despicable, disgusting, vulgar things to her.

Bree’s abusing husband abused her sexually as well.  And yes, there is proof as he made a poster for Bree that she had to “obey” which he hung prominently in their home.  The last line of the poster tells the story of the sexual abuse.  It literally makes all who love her want to vomit.

I boldly share this wee bit of Bree’s story because I am convinced that some of you reading this are currently living in a situation with Domestic Violence.  You are reading this and you are saying about your husband or boyfriend, “He’s not that bad.  I can do this.  I don’t want to be a single mom.  I am afraid of hurting him. I feel sorry for him.  I am praying he will change – he says he is going to!”

Yes I know you feel sorry for him.  Bree felt sorry for her husband.  Bree never wanted to be divorced. Bree wanted to “live happily ever after” but no matter how hard Bree tried, the violence continued to escalate.  And in your situation sometimes when he gets violent he tells you he is sorry and it will not happen again but then quickly he flips and reminds you that it is all your fault – because Bree’s husband did that too.  It’s a nauseating pattern of atrocious abuse.

To compound Bree’s situation her abusing husband’s family completely ignored his abuse. They knew about it, oh yes they did. They saw the dozen or so holes he had punched right through the drywall.  They saw the doors he smashed in. The door frames he had thrown her against that literally broke off the wall.  They saw it all.  Hard to imagine but yes, yes they did.

His father’s response to his son’s abuse, “Give him what he wants!”  His family’s response to the dozen holes punched right through the drywall in Bree and his home?  Silence.  His family’s response to the door frames broken where he threw Bree so hard the door frame actually broke off the wall? Silence.  His family’s response to his threats? “Oh, poor guy.  We feel so sorry for him.”  They actually have had an excuse for everything he does and never once stood up for Bree.  Being quite honest all I can wonder is, “I don’t care if he’s your prized son or not. How do they sleep at night while protecting this violent, abusive thug?”

Sadly, in many cases, parents/relatives will only enable the abusive behavior.  Bree was told by his parents, “Just give him what he wants” along with so many excuses why he was abusive.  And as they made their excuses I would argue (if I had the chance) with Bree (not them) that he never punched anyone at his job, he never physically abused any of the friends he played sports with or anyone he does side jobs for.  Do you know why?  Because he’s a charmer to others.  He has amazing self-control with anyone who doesn’t live with him.  Wanna’ know why? Because he knows he can’t get away with it with his sports buddies – they would punch his ever-livin’ lights out.  He gets money from the people he does side jobs for so he is a “happy, helpful fella”.  And his co-workers?  It’s his job and he likes to get paid. The reality is that if he punched his co-workers they would have him arrested and subsequently fired. So he charms those around him and goes home and abuses the crud out of his wife while the children watch. What a pathetic thug.

Just like the 800 Domestic Violence counselor had counseled me, Bree left once for 3 weeks but went back (it was horrible).  Then a couple of years later she left again for two months as she sought medical care for a physical ailment that was medically confirmed to be caused solely from the stress of living with a man who perpetrates abuse against her daily.  Yes, the stress was so bad that it was medically confirmed that her health was in dire straights from living with a violent, abusive husband.  Abuse affects health!! 

All the while I pleaded with the Lord to give her the courage to not go back.  Fasting regularly, praying every.single.day.  And yes, I pleaded with Bree – trying to help her understand that her health was being compromised in such a powerful way that it was threatening her entire well-being.

But she went back again.

Listen up precious friend –  if any of Bree’s story is familiar to you – trust me, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!   It is NOT okay.  You have not done anything that would give him permission to punch you, slap you, kick you, pull your hair, drag you around the house, scream profanities at you, throw you from a car or truck, destroy property,  punch holes in your walls, run over your foot, smash the handle off the pantry door, make a poster for you to obey, verbally abuse, demean or sexually abuse you or any variation of any of the things I just listed!

It does not matter how much you pray, how much you pretend you’ll be fine or how much you try to minimize his behavior – you are a victim of Domestic Violence!!

YOU MUST GET OUT NOW!! NOW!!

Do not wait, do not hope tomorrow will be better or that he will be nice.  GET OUT NOW!

Grab your kids and GO!  Don’t wait for him to get home from work.  Don’t wait and talk with him about it.  GO NOW!

If you don’t have transportation, call a friend, a family member, your church, a small group leader and even if they don’t know what has been going on, tell them you need a ride. After you have left tell them the truth.  Get help!   There are people right around you who want to help. I promise.

If you live in Phoenix, email me – I will come get you. If you don’t know where to turn, please email me:  APlaceCalledSimplicity@yahoo.com   Subject: The Purple Ribbon  I will not tell anyone anything.

For the record precious friend, there may be some who won’t believe you.  That’s okay, I believe you.  There may be some who are shocked because of your spouse/boyfriend’s occupation.  Truthfully, nothing surprises those of us who have lived this nightmare.  Domestic Violence crosses all lines of socioeconomic levels and all professions. 

There may be those who you think would say you should stay. Likely they have never lived with Domestic Violence and have zero clue.  Listen friend,  you have infinite value because you were made by the God of the universe.  His plan is not for you to live in Domestic Violence, period.  He will get you through this season and He will bring healing to your soul.  Your worth is not dependent on what others think, your worth is found in Christ alone.

Bree lives in another state, and one weekend his abuse escalated to the point that he was so violent that she felt that if she didn’t run he was going to kill her and the kids. So she asked God for strength and she fled in the evening, while he was at work.  She called friends from a new church she had visited, and although she hardly knew them, with courage only from the Lord, she told them she and her kids needed a safe place to sleep and they graciously opened their home (I can never thank them enough).  On her own she called 911 and told them she had fled because she was afraid he was going to kill her and the kids and that she was not kidnapping them but would go to get a Temporary Restraining Order in the morning.  I held my breath and prayed throughout the night! Would she really have the courage to follow through this time?

The next day she went to a Women’s Shelter in a neighboring city and they helped her obtain a Temporary Protective Order and gave her direction to all the other help she needed.  They were incredible and I am so grateful for them.  I will always praise God for her courage as she sought protection for her children and herself.

So now, let me be a voice echoing what maybe your mom or your sister or your neighbor or your friend has told you – GET OUT NOW! DO NOT WAIT! 

And if you have told no one, now is the time. The truth will set you free!  This is not about you.  It’s about men who get their thrill from controlling and having power over the very person they promised to love and protect by verbally demeaning, emotionally tormenting, and physically or sexually abusing.  They are bullying thugs.

I plead with you – it will not get better – but will continue to escalate – please, please, please do not be a statistic! If you need help getting out, please email me:  APlaceCalledSimplicity@yahoo.com   Subject:  The Purple Ribbon

PS God gave Bree the strength to continue her healing journey and they are divorced. I cannot ever praise the Lord enough.