Last night as I was tucking my treasures into bed, one asked a question that
opened the door to a very long and very tender discussion about abandonment.
It’s never an easy discussion, in fact it’s the one discussion I dread.
As an adoptive mom, my heart wrenches about inside my chest.
The most powerful heartache of adoption – the abandonment.
It’s a necessary discussion many times over, no doubt.
But oh the powerful grief and trauma that is openly exposed.
How exactly does a parent share the deepest truths when we
ourselves don’t even want to think about them either?
I found myself choking back the tears as I shared with gentleness.
Each listening intently.
A solemn time of sober reflection.
More questions.
Gentle maneuvering through the most traumatizing of events
in each of their precious lives.
I comforted them with the thought that despite the events that led
their birth parents to choose to abandon, I am certain, that most likely,
not a day passes that their birth parents don’t think about them.
No matter how many years pass, those who have
given a child up for adoption
will all agree –
that little one is never far from one’s thoughts.
As I was writing this post I realized something….
I’ve wanted to bring some thing up for a long time and now seems like a very good time to mention it. As an adoptive parent of nine children {so far} over the last 27 years and with several ethnicities in my pile of treasures, I’ve pretty much heard it all, I’m sure.
There have been times that people have asked, while standing with my children:
“Why did his parents get rid of him?
I thought boys in China were the only ones wanted.
Ohhhh, wait, there must be something wrong with him.”
In front of my sons. Can you imagine?
Seriously folks.
I’ve been asked that several times.
I have been asked more times then I can count this one too,
“Is something wrong with him?
Because boys are usually wanted in China.”
How would that make you really feel as your precious son
stands beside you taking it all in?
Then there’s this one:
“Where did their parents leave them?
Did they dump them on the street or leave them at the orphanage?”
Friends, please – it’s time to think seriously
about the consequences of our questions.
Every child is listening.
Every child hears.
Every child can hear the words echo for their lifetime.
Here are a few thoughts:
1. Before asking any question, it would behoove everyone to ask themselves this first:
Does the answer to this question I want to ask,
directly affect me personally?
Is the answer going to change my life in any way?”
2. If the answer does not directly affect you personally, then there is no need to know.
3. If the answer is not going to change your life, then again, there is no need to know.
4. Instead of asking the question, stop and pray for that little one
{and their parents}…pray for God’s peace, strength,
wisdom and grace to navigate through life.
5. Because, truthfully, prayer will accomplish so much
more than any questions ever will.
6. True love for someone else does not “need to know”.
Loving like God loves means it is selfless.
Although I am going to choose to believe the best
and guess that most do not have a malicious intent in their being, it is downright rude unloving.
If you have asked some of these things of people in your
circle, I would urge you to go ask for their
forgiveness for being insensitive.
It will do wonders for all involved.
The trauma of adoption,
even in the best case scenario situation,
is a very private matter.
Jesus had it right when He gave this life-giving message:
“Do {or say} to others
as you would want others
to do {or say} to you.”
Luke 6:31
My pile of treasures all have their own very personal stories.
Each individual story carries it’s own set of details unique to them.
God will give them the grace to work through it all as they grow and
as we do life together.
Please help the treasures you come in contact
with to know that you love them.
Period.
Not for what you know about their abandonment
circumstances or you don’t know –
but for who they are.
Created by God for a very special purpose.
Amen, friend. Amen.
Ah, so very true!! If only folks would think before speaking.
Amy in GA
Thank you Linny for this wisdom.
Amen.
I am so sorry people don't think. I think a big part of this is because people don't think of a child as someone who wants to know things… Especially if the conversation is about them.
Children are people too.
A good reason to pray protection for our children from more than physical things, but from words, too. and to pray for forgiveness (and forgetfulness for the hearer) for the times we have been so unthinking.
Sandy in the UK
Good point, praying protection over what our children hear. xo
I cannot imagine dealing with such hurtful questions. How do you remain patient with that kind of lack of basic human kindness?
Then again, I only hope that I have never offended someone with similar questions. Only God knows how ugly my heart can be at times.
Our hearts are *all* ugly. Just wanted to shed a bit of light, especially to those who would never have thought any of this through.
Your post sure reminds me of my own daughter's question recently. Often people (perhaps well-meaning) make the comment that "you are such saints". One evening during dinner at home (a week or so after hearing the common remark for the umpteenth time), our 11 year old daughter asked, "when people come up to you and say that you guys are such saints, does that mean we're such a burden?" It broke my heart and I had to fight back the tears. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" I explained that I honestly think people say that without meaning to be cruel or rude. They're just trying to kindly say they think we've done a good thing. BUT we never really know what goes through the minds of our children when they hear the remarks made about them, right in front of them.
You are right Karen. If we had a dollar for every time we heard this comment, I could take you and me and our families to Alaska, all expenses paid. I am going to address this next.
I've thought of this just recently as we have a new family at our school (I work at private school) and noticed right off the daughter's skin color didn't "match" her parents skin coloring (boy I hope I am not coming across rude here because it's not my intent). My curious mind wanted to know, but in reality, it's not for me to know.
She could be adopted, BUT what if there was a divorce in one of the parent's past? What if there was a death of a spouse and they have now remarried? What if the child belonged to another family member who has passed away?
Any one of those answers may be tough to hear and even tougher to tell the story again to someone who is merely "curious" (but nosey really is the definition in this case). Besides often times if the family ends up in your life for any length of time the questions eventually get answered. And those that don't… well, you didn't need to know them to begin with.
I didn't ask, by the way, but have since found out the answer without having to be intrusive or rude.
Yes, there are usually better ways to find some things out. Penny {below} brings this up from the other side. Great discussion!
RaD, thank you so much for not asking! I get so tired of the same questions over and over. It makes me sometimes avoid situations where I will meet new people. I am so grateful when I meet someone new, and they don't ask any questions about our adoption.
I have 2 precious adopted children. I have heard a lot too, including "what if they want to meet their "real mom" someday"..I am the real mom. always have been and always will be. I appreciate your words today.
Great point!!
Well said.
Beautifully worded and so, so true. God bless you and your family!
Thank you thank you thankyou!!!! This is so true and I have been praying you would write on this. I am shocked by the many things people have said and asked with my little ones right there. I think we have come to a place where people do not have many boundaries when it comes to this and many other things. I have been asked the most personal questions and it makes my heart sick that my children are right there hearing it as if they don't matter. How do you respond to these things when it is brought up? Maybe we can all help each other to deal with this. Thank you again, I am in tears because this happens so often and it saddens me because it makes me feel like we are objects not people. One I hear often is Maybe your ex doesn't come around because they are not his real kids. WHAT???!!!
It is painful. That's why i pray that those reading will spread the word…there are so many things that are painful being said…I'm sorry my sweet friend.
As I hold my new treasure each night as she grieves for what she has lost, I can so relate to this post. Abandonment is HARD and therefore should be respected when discussed. If the best adoption situation suffers from the trauma of abandonment!! I know as an adoptee and as an adopter!!
Been praying for you and yours. She's a dolly and God's plans for her are *good*. Such a hard road.
When I was eighteen, I married a man with a seven yr old girl and two yr old boy. At nineteen, I had my first daughter. I barely looked old enough to be her mom, much less the two older kids'. Not to mention the fact that I am (was) blonde with green eyes and his two were dark brunettes with chocolate eyes. I was constantly asked in public, in front of them, if they were "mine." Since i was raising them, I would answer, "yes." Of course, they would argue with me. "They can't be yours.". If i explained, they would ask, "do they know their mom? does she see them?". Seriously, they.are.standing.right.here! After a year or so of this, I finally started answering, "they are mine by my husband's first wife." By the time they figured it out, I would make my exit. That was over 22 years ago. And people are still asking parents nosy, rude questions?! Pitiful!
I'm sorry Penny for what you have endured. 22 years later. UGH.
Very well said. It should be of no concern to people.
As an adopted child (as a baby) I never faced those comments, but how confused I would have been if I had.
Love hearing from adult adoptees. xo
Hi Linny,
Thanks for this post. I anticipate my little guy asking about his birth mom in the not-too-distant future, and I've read a lot of adoption information that says to never paint the birth parents in a bad light. But how do you spin it positively when your child was found in a garbage can, less than a day old? I think your line, "I comforted them with the thought that despite the events that led
their birth parents to choose to abandon, I am certain, that most likely,
not a day passes that their birth parents don't think about them. " is maybe the only semi-positive spin I can give his situation. Any other advice out there?
I am going to address this all next. Probably Thursday or Friday. Thank you for asking!
Linny, as an adult who was adopted as an infant (at 6 wks) in American, I understand this abandonment topic, but in a different way, and strangely moreso in the past 6 months. Who knows, aside from God, the impact being "given up" has on our lives – which of my insecurities can I attribute to that vs. to any other part of my personality or upbringing (which was GOOD). That's for ending your blog with "Created by God for a very special purpose." – because even as adults, we all need to hear those words!
So thankful for your words. You are a blessing and I am so thankful we are bloggy friends. xo
Linny, you have written your post with such love and understanding. It must be so hard to talk to your treasures about their storys, especially the hard parts. I don't have apoted children(yet), but i do have triplets. I have had people chase me around the supermarket just to be nosey or stick their head in the stroller and not talk to or agknowlege us. The thing that is the hardest is when people come up and ask are they IVF or natural, as if one is better than the other. They imply that if it wasn't natural, then they are not really triplets. My miracles are nearly seven. They know their story(they were born via surrogate as i was born without a uterus), but don't understand the rude questions or the people that stare. I have been told i'm not really there mother as i didn't carry them, ouch. I can only guess how much harder it must be for you guys and my heart goes out to you. Looking forward to the next part of this discussion.
Blessings,
Relle
Awww Relle, thank you for your compassionate comment. I am sorry you have followed around a store to be asked such personal questions. Seriously, when I have people do that, I want to ask them some very personal things myself…and preface it by saying, "I will answer your question, if you would like to answer this first:" Of course I have never done that, but some days it makes my blood boil…some of the things people have the audacity to ask. Pray as I write the next part, pretty please…it leaves me open for criticism…I am merely going to share some things that have worked for us and perhaps some can glean some use from it. And by the way, I think it's stinkin' cool that you have triplets. Would love some over here too…maybe one day. Don't tell Dw I said that. haha.
Linny, thank you for this post. I get so tired of the questions about my son's origins.
Have you read the book "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child"? I am going to buy it soon. From the review on Amazon:
Providing help for parents or caregivers wishing to productively communicate with their child, Keefer and Schooler answer such questions as: How do I share difficult information about my child's adoption in a sensitive manner? When is the right time to tell my child the whole truth? How do I find further information on my child's history?
Age appropriate guidelines will make an arduous task organized and easier. Detailed descriptions of actual cases help the parent or caregiver find ways to discover the truth (particularly in closed and international adoption cases), organize the truth, and explain the truth gently to a toddler, child, or young adult that may be horrified by it. Parents, teachers, counselors, and other caregivers will come away from this reading with a sharper knowledge of how to make sense of the past for foster and adopted children of all ages.
I have not heard of the book. I bet it will be a useful tool for you Sarah.
GREAT POST!! Amen! People come to us with so many questions- some of them make me shudder and my heart becomes so heavy for the children.
You are so right what does knowing the answer do for them? Unless they are moved to action or they have been guided to ask questions about adoption- don't ask… just pray!
I don't want to make light of this heart-breaking topic, but have a funny tale to tell about not asking questions… After my 2nd was born, I struggled to lose the extra weight. A friend set up a "Moms & Babes " group for weekly get-togethers & a stunningly pretty, slim Mom attended from our 3rd session onwards, in her skinny jeans & little top. I went home well motivated to get running again, & felt so relieved MONTHS later to learn that her little one was adopted!! In fact we only heard the full story when she unexpectedly fell pregnant with twins, despite being told that she would never have a bio kiddo. Then we all felt relieved & reverted to the stretchy clothes!
That's a cute story – and how very fun that she had twins after being told she would never have any! Yippee Jesus!
All I can say is that 'treasures' is the perfect word for all of these little gifts from God. Though I don't know you personally, I love your family. You are the very picture of the Kingdom of God. May His face shine on you!
Thank you Kristiana for your kind words.
One of the wisest things I read about how to handle these situations was to take the focus off the offender completely and put your focus completely on your child. It is not a time to preach, love, educate or get angry at that curious/rude person. Something that is probably a little harder if you are a pastor's wife :). The focus should be on your child. I make sure I take the time to iterate some truths: my daughter is a treasure and a blessing to our family, adoption is a great example of how God takes bad circumstances and makes good out of it.
I've been trying to formulate a reply to this post for several days, but I'm lost for words (I know, not like me!). How hard it must be to live with that fundamental tragedy as part of your history. I can only hope and pray for guidance to approach it with compassion and to be able to offer some measure of comfort and healing, if I'm blessed to be Plan B for the child whom I'm already praying for but don't know yet.
Well Penny, you know how life goes…we *all* navigate the very best way we can. Some journeys are more difficult than others…and I have to believe that because of the rough road, God has an even bigger plan for that life…think of Joseph in history! Painful circumstances, yet he saved his family from famine because of how God used the events – and of course Joseph's willingness to yield his will and his life to Almighty God!! xo
OH yes…oh yes…so glad you posted this…my little ones have heard too many rude questions…I have learned to tactfully put off the "asker" without too much rudeness…