I’m not an expert on disruption.
Not at all.
And in a perfect world, there would be no disruption.
But we can say, from our very limited experience, that four years ago today a very terrified 9 year old joined our family as our 12th and August 24th became one of the sweetest days of all of our lives!
Although another family wasn’t a good fit for our handsome son, he was a absolutely perfect fit for us.
This afternoon Nehemiah and I were talking as we worked side by side doing chores. We had been talking about when he first came home and how very scared he was.
In fact he had never told me about his first night home – until today! He was sharing with me that he didn’t understand English very well, but as he lay in bed he could hear Dw and I talking that first night. He thought we were saying that we were going to send him to live with big brother Tyler. He said he laid in bed and cried and cried. Oh how my heart hurt hearing that!! And of course, he was too scared to ask!!
I took a guess at what I was probably saying that first night home to Dw which Nehemiah had overheard. That day I had talked to our sweet daughter-in-love Sarah on the phone. Sarah had been telling me how she was telling one of her sisters about Nehemiah being disrupted from his adoptive family and coming to live with us.
Sarah’s sister had felt horrible at the situation and said, “I don’t even like kids, but I would take him.”
And in his limited understanding of English he had totally thought I meant that he would be leaving. I felt horrible today hearing about it now. If only I had been able to assure him that night that that was the farthest thing from the truth!!
Nehemiah’s actually a teenager now. He turned 13 when we were at the old Home Place.
In four years Nee has learned that he can trust us. That we desperately love him. That we are so stinkin’ grateful he’s ours – forever!! That we truly need him!! That we couldn’t imagine our lives without him. That, in fact, he is an integral part of our family!!
Actually we are certain, God brought him to the other family so that he would make his way to ours. Truth be known, four years ago we were too old to adopt from Ch*na (they have since changed their regulations!!)
And anytime I think of how Nehemiah joined our family I am forever grateful to our great God that we were the ones who were able to bring him home.
Someone else’s loss was our most tremendous gain.
We have a son from a disruption and I feel exactly the same as you. I can’t even imagine our family without him. I’m so thankful for God placing him in our family!
Awww I love that!! And you get when I say, “I couldn’t imagine our family without our Nee”….they are amazing treasures meant for our families all along!! xo
Disruption? Makes me feel sick. I didn’t know it was even a thing!
Yes Estelle. Sadly, there are kids that after being brought home, are moved to someone else’s home to be re-adopted by them. We have to believe, that even though it is a difficult situation for all, that the kids were really meant for that second family. Our Nehemiah was disrupted by a family who had brought him home from China just four months earlier. He has been one of the greatest gifts God has ever given us!! Such a treasure!
He is truly a darling <3
Linny I love your posts about your sweet family. I think there needs to be more information to people regarding why disruption happens in adoption. My experience is that the family has become depleted of financial resources, emotional resources and usually another kiddo in the family has been harmed by that kid. We are raising a child from foster care that we adopted. For the last 11 years our lives and our kids lives have revolved around her care. She is very mentally ill from the horrific trauma she experienced before five and the lack of attachment to her mother. She has been hospitalized over 25 times. This summer alone 6 times. She will be going to a treatment center that specializes in her care. Our out of pocket cost: 7,000. I have had to quit my job as she couldn’t maintain in day care or even in school. My 19 year old daughter has been traumatized by her very aggressive behavior. I do understand why some families have to disrupt. I know situations where other kids and the mother in the family have been abused by the child. We are faithful Christians that love Jesus, but this is an evil world. With the lack of resources in our state to help kids it is becoming more difficult to care for her. We spent three days in the ER waiting for a hospital bed. Parents have grieved over this decision having to basically choose between their kids. Many times the family is not even told the extent of the child’s behavior issues as we were not told. Disruption is a very complicated problem. People who read your blog that have disrupted need to know that sometimes it is the right decision for their family and should not feel shamed.
I’m sorry that you feel that you would feel ashamed by what I posted. I’m not sure what “shame-filed” words you would be speaking of, since there was this line in the post:
“Although another family wasn’t a good fit for our handsome son, he was a absolutely perfect fit for us.”
and near to the end of the post this line:
“Actually we are certain, God brought him to the other family so that he would make his way to ours.”
Every situation is completely different, Kim, and I think you would understand that Nee’s pre-our-family-story is none of anyone’s business. He was with another family and that didn’t work. He is now with us and that does work – amazingly!
In my 30 years of adopting and 11 adoptions, we have heard of disruptions increasing with frequency. Am I pointing blame at adoptive parents in any way? Please show me where.
I started the post by a disclaimer that I am by no means an expert so I will not be writing explaining “reasons” for disruptions, since every single situation is unique, as well as the child’s situation and the family dynamics.
And although your situation sounds like a difficult one, it’s good to remember that there can be extremely difficult situations with biological children as well. In my 57+ years of life I have known more than one biological child who goes to live in a group home, a detention center, with another relative, a “healing” ranch, a foster family or somewhere else because of their behavior and choices.
The reality is that birthed or adopted, parenting can be really hard.
Fasting is the only thing that has truly helped us when parenting some of ours.