After the response to the post last month on abandonment, several wrote and asked for some help and also asked if we would share some of our life experiences.
As always, this is our personal story.
It’s okay if you don’t agree with how we choose to handle this life God has
graciously granted us.
It is from our personal family experience, given the personal circumstances we
alone know of, that we make the decisions that we do. Yet, we willingly open up and
share our thoughts and family experiences.
We are continually praying, seeking and asking God for wisdom on how to
navigate these oft rough situations.
Do we get it wrong sometimes?
Yup, for sure.
But our family purpose boils down to this:
living simply to please Jesus while simply loving one another
Thank you for the grace you extend here each time you stop by.
******
Someone on the post last month commented that ‘abandonment’ is a difficult word.
No doubt.
Abandonment is a painful word.
Yet at this moment, for our family,
I haven’t thought of a better word yet I can think
of many worse which I wouldn’t want to call it.
Personally, the word abandonment is a more technical term.
When we discuss each one’s situation, in the privacy of our own home,
we talk much more about ‘feelings’ then we do “the event”.
One bloggy friend, Lori, asked,
how do we handle the things {ie questions} that clearly
are overstepping boundaries and downright prying?
I remember a time many, many years ago in particular.
I believe the Lord used it to prepare me
for many future questions….
So as the story goes…
We had just closed Dw’s law practice,
packed up our three treasures and
moved across the country for Dw to attend seminary.
Dw had gone to get a hair cut and had engaged in a conversation
with the hair stylist about our family.
Imagine my ‘joy’ when days later we saw her in a public setting
and
she dashed up to me and began the conversation with,
“I cut your husband’s hair the other day and he told me
two of your kids were adopted.”
At this point she looked down at my
three little treasures standing at my side
and thrusting her finger into the face of our precious
Korean born son quipped,
“Well I can tell he’s adopted.”
Actually the way she stuck her finger into his face and
said what she said, still makes my heart boil a bit.
Her words felt so careless and the finger-pointing
thing was so intentional….
Then waving her finger between Abigail and Autumn
she continued,
“So which one of these is really yours?”
No doubt, having two caucasian daughters standing beside me
made her very nosey mind need to know more.
When someone singles out one of our treasures in a less than polite manner, it is my job as a mom to nip it in the proverbial bud.
I replied,
“Actually all three of them are mine.”
Not to be deterred and perhaps a
bit annoyed with me, she continued,
“You know what I mean. Which one is really yours?”
Staring straight back at her, I replied,
“I said, ‘They’re all mine’.”
Certainly persistent, she again badgered,
“You know what I mean – I want to know –
which one of these two is the adopted one?”
At that moment, I had had enough.
Mustering as much grace I could, I firmly said,
“Funny, I can’t seem to remember.”
She said, “Come on! Tell me. Which one is adopted?”
Mind you, I had never seen this obnoxious woman
before in my entire life.
She persisted and I dug my mama heels in.
After three times of saying,
“Funny, I can’t seem to remember”
she finally gave up and turned in a huff and left us.
Listen up sweet friends,
we owe no one an explanation.
No one.
I don’t care who, what, where or when,
we owe no one an explanation for anything.
After the nasty hair stylist experience,
I realized I needed some quick lines to nip
it in the bud way sooner.
And as un-fun as it is,
there has been an occasion or two in life
when I have had to respond,
“Actually that wouldn’t really be any of your concern.”
Over the last 27 years, the line we have heard most often is:
“You guys are amazing taking in
all these kids that nobody wanted.…”
That line may seem benign to most ears, I’m sure,
but to a child the only phrase that rings in their ears is
the “kids that nobody wanted” part and it makes this Mom
of over a dozen cringe big time.
So what *do* we say?
We say,
“Oh my goodness, are you serious?
We are not amazing at all –
we are soooo stinkin’selfish.
These are all treasures from the very heart of God
and we are hoarding them.
We get to be their parents.
We couldn’t imagine our lives without them.
We’re the selfish ones. We are so selfish.”
Our kids have heard us say that over and over,
dozens and dozens of times….
and our response deflects it off our kids and onto
how unbelievably “selfish” we are and our kids smile
from ear to ear.
Yup, mommy and daddy are sooo selfish.
When people have said things that are absolutely
inappropriate about our kids or their special needs,
we still attempt to respond with grace
{and I’ll assure you that some days that is really stinkin’ hard}.
Over the years we have come to understand
that *most* people usually don’t truly mean any harm
{although of course, there have been “others”}.
We also know that our response will be taken
to heart by our treasures and they will have
to respond one day as well, when they are on their own.
That being said, recently a young boy,
probably about 12ish years old,
questioned an obvious deformity when he started with,
“What’s wrong with…”
I was so thankful I was there when he questioned…
Instead of addressing his question,
I turned the attention back to him by asking him
a question,
“Why are you wearing *that* shirt?”
He was taken back, cause what kid is ever concerned
about the shirt he picked out to wear,
so he had to look down at his shirt which distracted him and
since everyone loves to talk about themselves,
it completely worked and he forgot his original question.
In my heart I just knew this was not the time to “help”
him understand and his tone seemed to have little kindness
and minimal teachability.
My only concern was for my young treasure and how
that one would respond one day and truly, in our minds,
to turn the attention away and avoid the question is okay
in our books.
Cause truthfully, there are times in life, with some
people, it is just best to change the subject.
Of course, that doesn’t always work.
There are times when the only thing we’ve
found to work is to politely say,
“Even though you look a nice person,
you sure have a lot of yukky
stuff that comes out of your mouth.”
*That* response usually nips it in the bud.
One bloggy friend wrote and asked what to say
about yukky and painful abandonment specifics,
like a little treasure abandoned in a garbage can?
First off, we are strongly, strongly, strongly
{did I say that enough times?}
opposed to sharing abandonment details with
anyone
{yup, even family – cause let’s be honest – sometimes
family members can have boundary issues and the crazy idea pervades
a few that everyone who is closest to them – you know –
other family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, the local librarian,
the grocery store clerk, coffee shop barista, the mailman,
and even the neighborhood crossing guard, ‘has a right to know’}
Yes, it’s just our personal preference after our own
painful experiences –
but
we all know people who share painfully private details
with family and friends or worse yet in a blog post
that quite frankly can be found by anyone.
Let’s be really honest –
Most of us have painful parts of our
life that we would never ever, ever consider sharing on the internet.
Why would we ever think our children’s
pain should be shared publicly?
That being said, for a child who was abandoned,
for instance, in a garbage can,
I would pray a ton and ask God for *His* wisdom…
and then share vaguely {when they determine they want to
know more and not a day before} probably like this:
“Your birth parents gave you life and I will never be
able to stop thanking them for that.
Let’s pray that they come to know the love of Jesus.”
That may end the questions, but if it doesn’t…
Then I would probably say something like,
“Remember how I call you a treasure? Well
what do we know about a treasure?
They’re often hidden, right!?? Well God knew what
a treasure you were and He allowed you to be
hidden right where a miracle person found you.
Isn’t that cool? You were found by a hero…
and we will always love that person…
God is so good…showing them right where my treasure was.”
As in all of life, when we ask questions we are able to
guide the discussion.
Asking the child what would they do if they found a baby, will put them in touch with the hero who found them and got them help and perhaps take the focus off the painful circumstances.
Most children are not equipped emotionally
to have full disclosure until they are much older.
Some will never really want to know.
Just like the birds and the bees, there is no need to dump
the entire load on a four year old.
If they ask “Why would they hide me?”
Then I would say, “They were probably scared that
someone would find out that they had had you…”
At that point, the “garbage can” was still not brought up…
and many will not question *exactly* where they were hidden.
For the one who continues to question,
I would probably say something like,
“at the edge of the village near where the garden is.”
In my personal heart of hearts I would have to ponder:
Is it really, really necessary to say, “in the garbage”?
Like, really – is it?
Personally, I would be vague, vague, vague with the goal
to bring healing, not more pain.
May God give us wisdom as we deal with each individual
and every situation to the best of our ability.
He is faithful and He loves our little treasures
far more than we could imagine.
Children are a gift from the LORD;
they are a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3
OH YES!!! It's so hard with some people who are just ignorant. It's hard not to get mad at them so I always try to take the opportunity to educate. As MY treasures all came to me much older – teenagers most of them – I don't force them to call me mom. It's on their own time. I'm still Ms. Noelle to them and I'm ok with that because I know where I am in their heart. I am mom. I am introduced as mom. They all still have a mom alive and well, she just isn't caring for them anymore – for one reason or another. When kids ask questions – I explain it that my kids are SO lucky – they get TWO moms! Most of the people we come in contact with know some of the other bio mom's so it makes it really really sticky and I want to promote a relationship with their bio mom under a structure they can be same emotionally… I WOULD however MUCH rather that people ask – than assume or stare or whisper or whatever! I hate it! Just ask me!!!!! I LOVE the opportunity to tell people how God took a single woman and turned her into a mom of 4 within a year and a mom of 6 – 2 years later and how we make this dysfunctional family function as a family!!! We too learn as we go. There are ups and downs and I really have to trust God that the anxiety I am plagued with sometimes of my kids deciding to leave the family is only that – anxiety. They are committed.. We talk about it… But the ups are great and the downs – can get really down – because they are dealing with a lot of the emotional baggage you speak of above. Becoming my treasure at such an older age (teens), it's a very long process for them to learn how to express their feelings and talk about it. Thank you for sharing your ideas and thoughts. I think anyone who has adopted whether over seas or domestic faces stupid people and stupid questions.
Great example of all the different ways to handle questions. Congratulations on being a mom to a bunch in such a short amount of time – how good God is!!
We get questions from time to time and my sons are starting to 'really' hear what people are asking. Just last week I had to explain to them what being nosy meant and that we don't owe anyone an explanation, not even the nosy woman at Culvers. We get the 'are they real brothers' question most often and it drives.me.crazy. Inside I want to have a snarky comeback, but I know that for my kids, I have to keep my cool, but it is so hard sometimes.
Oh trust me girlfriend, I could write an entire book on snarky comments I have thought up over the last 28 years. =) I haven't ever spoken one, but I have a hole in my tongue from biting it so many times. {j/k about the hole}…anyway, it's always good to know that we are not alone…and yes, we've heard the "real siblings" thing a bunch too – so obnoxious. Okay, so I just backspaced something I have *thought* of saying to that one. Biting my tongue instead. xo
Very wise and beautiful Linn, thanks for sharing it 🙂
Thank you Carol.
I pray that someday I may be even close to as selfish as you :). Thank you for sharing…you have no idea how helpful this is. Blessings!
Bring on the 'selfishness' sweet friend – there is nothing greater than being so stinkin' 'selfish'….xo
Speaking only as an adopted child (now 70!), I know that my response was that I had been chosen by my parents and that I was special. That was what they taught me, and I never felt it was in the least odd. Now, so many years later I think maybe I took a happy childhood for granted, and didnt give thanks for the wonderful parents that I had.
Rejoicing that you can attest to the joy of adoption and the beautiful gift of such wonderful parents.
Thank you so much for this; it's something that has been on my mind a lot lately as my little Vietnamese princess is getting older and asking more questions. I'm so grateful for your blog.
Thank you Maria for your gracious comment. I am so grateful that you have a sweet Vietnamese princess to love on…
" Let's be really honest – Most of us have painful parts of our life that we would never ever, ever consider sharing on the internet.
Why would we ever think our children's pain should be shared publicly? "
These words have stabbed my heart. Sometimes I think sharing my sons past is beneficial, in showing God's Awesomeness. He received an amazing miracle and was cured of Bipolar. But he is 16, and more than 5 years have passed… But the story paints him in a negative way. His behavior during his difficult journey was just heartbreaking. Your testimonies always have the nugget of God's Beauty in it, without vomiting the entire story. I need to learn how to do that, glorify God in all ways, yet protect my child.
Thank you Kandi for your encouraging word.
Sharing painful parts of our children's lives – it's true, right?
I think the thing is that *we* see what God has done and from His perspective, however, many {if not most} reading or hearing will be influenced by the words…and perhaps *not* see what we see…
All glory to God for what HE has done in your son's life…and if your son should one day choose to share, he can. After all, it's *his* story to begin with.
Blessings to you my friend!
Thank you for sharing these fantastic responses to hard questions!
You are welcomed my friend!
Thank you Linny. You are a treasure, too, you know.
You are teaching me to pray for all you lovely people who were able to bring treasures home from abroad. We tried very hard – from Romania about 22 years ago. I still grieve from time to time about those two. But God knows. I just have to trust He did find someone to treasure them. We had approval, but not for them and then all the doors shut.
I wish there had been groups and people like can be found online now. But it seems God is showing me now because He knows I understand you people need supported in prayer.
So I will.
Sandy in the UK
Sandy, I am certain that the God of the universe loves your willing heart…to have such loss and to continue to pray and cheer others on is amazing. Bless you my friend. What a gift you are to the adoption circle! xo
I liked this post, as for the response to special needs I like my son's (age 8) best. He is bil. cleft lip/palate. When people ask "what's up with the scar?" or "what's wrong with his teeth" My son's response is "Yeah, I got some messed up teeth, that's the way God made me." So far it has worked. If another kid is the one who asked it, they just go on and play and that's the end of it. If its an adult, how do you argue about that or with God. I love this response. My son seems so natural with it much like explaining yeah, I like to candy corn best or so matter of fact, no big deal
That's a great response and I'm thankful he is so assured in it. You've clearly done a beautiful job with him – bless you!
Love this post, Linny! My treasure was carefully placed in a railway station where she was sheltered and would be found quickly. Her family made a plan and did what they had to do, under difficult (I am sure!) circumstances. To me, that speaks of love…and as Shao has said herself, "Mama, you know how some people say that when their chuild is born the kid always recognizes their mom's voice and is always soothed by the mother talking? Well, I think when I was born I heard YOUR voice, not my biological mother, but yours. I think I was always meant to be yours!"
Oh, how I love my precious girl!!!
Hugs….Nancy
True enough Nancy, I'm convinced God prepares our children for us…and that would certainly be one way! xo
Linny, Thank you for your advice! I am always amazed at the things that come out of people's mouths. As foster parents we often find people putting us on a pedestal like we are doing something spectacular. Well, if being the hands and feet of our Lord Jesus is spectacular than I guess so – we are just following the calling of the Voice of Truth! The conversation always goes to them saying they could NEVER do that (be foster parents) to which I always want the perfect answer but have never come up with one. Any advice?
That's a great idea to do a post about "I could *never* do that"…Will have to pray on it…
Oh, that comment drives me nuts too! It's said by dear, sweet people that I love and it always makes me want to smack them. It's usually followed up by, "I would fall in love with the child and I couldn't give them back." I have never said, but I think, "Really, so what you're saying is, your love for children is so great that you wouldn't be able to be the parents that they need when they most need it if there's a chance that it's temporary. Are you SURE that's love?" That's not entirely fair of me to think as I do have an easier time "letting go" than some others would. And I'm all for people knowing their own strengths and weaknesses. But I wish more people realized how good it is to pour what good you have into the life a child, even for a short time, knowing that they will be able to take those experiences with them and be better able to weather whatever challenges may come. It is hard work, but it is also just a little bit "selfish"! 🙂
I love your comment for "Are you SURE tha'ts love?" Way to go.
Thank you for this post. We gave our four year old daughter way too much information about her past, i.e. that her birth parents did not take good care of her and she was removed from their home. This put her into quite a crisis, which combined with a move, was a very dark time in our lives. She is doing so much better now and although the therapist gave us some valuable tools in helping her through the crisis, she thought that us being brutally honest with her was the right thing to do. I disagree! I will never again offer any information to either of my adopted kids unless they specifically ask for it and although it will have to be honest, there will be a hefty dose of sugar-coating!
I'm thankful that the Lord has ministered in spite of the overload of information. He promises to use all things for our good, no matter what…He is faithful.
Thank you, Linny. You have such wisdom. I need to save this post somewhere special for sure!
Bless you Kim.
Oh thank you so much for this post! We are in the midst of adopting, and the closer we get, the more unprepared I feel. Thanks for the practical ideas and wisdom. 🙂
Oh Esther, The Lord will give you everything you need as you walk out this road…such an adventure and He is always faithful. PS I love your name!
Such a helpful post, thank you!! How would you answer the question if your child was with his birthmom for 2 1/2 years and then taken from her due to neglect? After being taken to the orphanage, she never visited him nor any family members. Still abandonment but not at birth in a horrid situation as you described. We are thinking the general "your mom didn't have the means to care for you so you went to live in the orphanage where you the things you needed", but is that the best answer to that? He is special needs and I appreciate your guidance on answering those questions.
Thank you Linny!
A~
We have had situations like that and we *always* paint the birth mom as the beautiful person who gave life. Focusing on that is the joy of adoption. She gave him life! Then you pray together for her every chance you get – that she would come to know how much God loves her and how He sent His son to die for her…that's the *only* place to keep the focus…
Oh Linny I am weeping as I read this. You have answered the prayers of my heart – how do I tell my sweet babies their stories? And you know there are a million opinions around the internet but none of them have touched my heart and soothed me like this one. Your heart, love, and faith just shine through this blog post and you have deeply ministered to my worried Mama heart. Thank you.
Don't be worried Kait. Trust the Lord to take you through each situation. If you ever encounter something you're not sure about, then just say, "Momma needs to ask my best friend for help with that and I'll get back to you." Then you get on your knees and ask the Lord to give you the wisdom you need. He will direct.
Very thought-provoking. I won't say I hope to use some of these responses because if G-d blesses us with adoption I'll hope to NOT have to use them! – but they'll be good to have tucked in a back pocket!
Honestly, I think it's often just complete cluelessness, not meaning any harm (although obviously not all the examples you mention fall into that category). One of the sweetest people I know asked me about a friend of mine with 4 Korean kids, "And does she have any children of her own?" Gah!!! Even pre thinking about adoption, that rubbed me up the wrong way, but it wasn't meant badly, just really clueless. Of course, that doesn't help the kids or the mom if it gets asked in front of them (which this fortunately wasn't).
By the way your kitchen looks great, I just couldn't get the comment box to load the other day. 🙂
True enough, most don't mean any harm and don't think through the ramifications of their words…but that's why we get to help people understand the enormous weight words have, even to little ears…
And thank you for the kitchen encouragement. I am so tickled by the way it turned out!! xo
I know my son dealt very much with abandonment issues. For a long time, he was angry with his birth mother leaving him. He couldn't understand why should would do that. It all came to a head one day. He was struggling so much. With tears rolling down both our cheeks, I told him she didn't want to leave him, that she thought of him every day and cried for him every day. There is more to the story, but like you said, it is personal. But that incident helped him to understand her better. And I think it helped him knowing she was out there somewhere thinking of him like he was thinking of her.
Linny-
So so so so thankful for this post. I have two Caucasian girls six months apart and I get asked every time I go in public "are they both yours?" And then "which one is adopted" follows many times. On the inside I get so mad and haven't felt a peace about my answers. I feel so much more equipped now with your wisdom and experience in my quiver. You are dear. Thank you for the continu mentorship through this space you share. You are so dear to me. Truly.
Thanks for discussing this. I got asked for the first time recently if my son was biological or adopted. I think next time I will say, "Why do you ask?" I also get asked a lot where he is from. How do you handle this question? I usually just say, "the USA" and ask, "Where are you from?"
Thanks also for addressing the problem of people sharing details about their child's abandonment on blogs. I read this on blogs sometimes and think "No! Nobody should know this except the child!"